Mx Nillin Fucks… NONE of These Things!

Somebody asked me the other day if there was anything that I wouldn’t fuck for Mx Nillin Fucks. And yeah, there is. Here are six things that you will NOT see me attempting to get off with:


1. Meat

Fuck no. Tackling this one right now. I don’t care if it’s cooked, uncooked, or on a sandwich with other stuff, this girl cock is NOT into deli meats. It weirds me the fuck out, okay?


2. Dolls

You ever see a really well crafted porcelain doll, or those laughing, pooping, farting, or puking baby dolls at Walmart and think to yourself: “god, I really want to fuck one of those some day”?

Yeah, no, me neither, because it’s fucking creepy.

Besides, I’ve seen Annabelle, okay? You DON’T fuck around with porcelaine dolls… at all. Don’t look at them. Don’t talk to them. Don’t touch them. And certainly do not put your genitals in or around them.

You wanna get demons? Because that’s how you get fucking demons.


3. Electronics or Appliances

Look, Wall-E was definitely adorable, the movie pulled on my feels something fierce, but I still didn’t have the urge to fuck a trash compactor afterward… you know? And while there are plenty of appliances or electronics that I could conceivably stick my girl cock into it all comes down to this: why?

There’s nothing sexy or good about smooshing your sensitive, vulnerable genitals into a something literally made of hard, often pokey, metals and plastics,

So let’s just let any Brave Little Toaster fantasies stay fantasies. Alright? Alright.


4. Plant Life

I don’t think that fucking a plant has ever crossed my mind, until now. And now that it has crossed my mind, I can confidently say that potted or not I have absolutely no interest, whatsoever, in fucking the flora of any region, habitat, or geological period.

Not even bell flowers. And those things ARE pretty sexy.


5. Any Acidic or Spicy Foods

So, with or without a condom the horror stories I have read about people fucking, like, a grapefruit and getting acidic juice up their peehole is just… it’s horrifying. ESPECIALLY for me. Why? Well, for those who read my The Other 25 Facts About My Queer Sex Life post, you may remember that I had to have a non-surgical procedure done after getting a urethral stricture that resulted in me now having a wider than average urethral opening.

And the thought of getting any hot sauce, chipotle, or lemon juice up there is just… I can’t.


6. Anything Previously Fucked on Mx Nillin Fucks

That’s right! This means the warm apple pie, the Jell-O, the PB&J sandwiches, and, obviously, the pool noodle. They were all awful and Mx Nillin Fucks isn’t about altering things to make them fuckable. No, no. It’s about fucking things AS IS.

And as is, those things were terrible.

Ain’t nobody got time to make pool noodles something worth masturbating with. Except for pool noodle manufacturers. Y’all could make bank there, just saying.

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Mx Nillin Fucks… A Pool Noodle!

[CW: the post is filled with sexually explicit, NSFW pics of girl cock.]

Welcome to the LONG overdue fourth installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

So far I’ve stressfully penetrated some warm apple pie, then made a mess of everything while trying to masturbate with jell-o, and last installment I actually almost had a great time fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But let’s not live in the past, let’s get to what you’ve waited months for. After the last post was a poll for what y’all wanted me to fuck next, and the results have spoken:

I’mma fuck a pool noodle.


How Much Does It Cost to Fuck It?

$1.25. Seriously. Go to your nearest dollar store and so long as it is spring or summer there’ll be fucktonne of pool noodles sitting around in some box for a buck-something. Pick your favorite color, I guess, and yeah, you’ve got yourself a pool noodle to fuck.

Oh, also, a LOT OF LUBE. Not even kidding here. I cannot stress enough how shitty trying to stick your penis into a pool noodle is without lube. It’s shitty. Really, really shitty. These things are essentially sponges, only they don’t get soft when they’re wet and the inside of them is about as uncomfortable to touch as… well, a pool noodle. I mean, if you’ve ever stuck your fingers in one of those things then you know how that feels. It’s not pleasant, so lets not pretend that it is.

Okay, so now if you’re also just going to go to Walmart or the local pharmacy to grab a cheap lube then you’re probably looking at another $6 to $10 there too. Just DON’T skip on the lube. Don’t do it. You’ll friction burn your fucking dick without it. Goddamn, don’t do it without the lube.

Total cost: $10 to $15 CAD

NOTE: You wanna know how to save $10 though? Just don’t fucking do it all. Keep reading for why. Or don’t! You know? I mean we all know how fucking cheap these things are, how small those holes are, and how awful they feel when you finger them, so, like, there’s no surprise coming here. It’s exactly what you think it is. But if you really, really want to read about me smooshing my girl cock into this thing and see pictures of me tearing it open with my erection like the Hulk tears out of his shorts then by all fucking means…


How Much Prep Will This Take?

Well, like, not a whole lot. I mean, once you got your pool noodle and your lube then it’s pretty simple from there. It all come down to the amount of effort you want to put into having some form of fun here. And let me tell ya, you’re gonna have to get creative with this thing because I genuinely cannot imagine taking this to my bed and trying to just casually masturbate with it.

Not gonna happen.

Personally, I ran a lukewarm bath, grabbed my uberlube, and tried to make an afternoon of it with my partner snapping pics. It didn’t make fucking it any better BUT we did have fun, so, there’s that!


What Is It Like to Fuck?

Terrible. I whole-heartedly believe that there is nothing you, or I, could ever do that would make a pool noodle, on its own (without serious modification), a pleasurable choice for a masturbation sleeve. And unless your penis gets no thicker than a highlighter when erect then you’re simply going to waste the $10-ish dollars you spent to get here by just fucking wrecking this thing within minutes.


So there you are with aggravated, red genitals and a torn pool noodle that NOBODY will ever enjoy now. Shame!

The only thing that could ever make this possibly work as a masturbation sleeve is if for some bizarre, and entirely unlikely, reason the makers of pool noodles choose to just completely re-invent the whole goddamn thing with penises in mind.

That’s it. It’s the only way.

So, get to it pool noodle designers/manufacturers! I know you’re out there. Some of you may even be reading this right now after searching for pool noodles on google and, look, I’m sorry about all of this, but you’re here now and I’m telling you that you gotta go back to square fucking one here.

I mean, fact is that Millennials are killing the pool noodle industry. [Disclaimer: I have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to substantiate this claim.]

It’s true and it’s just going to keep getting worse for sales. [Disclaimer: this is most likely entirely false.]

But if you make these things into big floaty sex toys I guarantee you that pool noodles will come back in a big way, y’all. Until then, bloggers like me are gonna stick their girl cocks in them and post about how cheap and shitty they are and nobody’s gonna buy them… for sexual purposes, at least.

I even stuck my girl cock into one of those damn pool noodle connector things because why the fuck not, you know? Way too roomy for penises. So, you got pool noodles which are WAY too damn narrow to fit a penis in, and then you got pool noodle connectors that have enough room for at least two dicks and four testicles (maybe try frotting in it with a friend? I dunno). Ridiculous!

Do I look I’m having a good time?


No. No, I fucking do not. And I blame you pool noodle and pool noodle connector manufacturers.

Is that unreasonable of me? No, of course not! Maybe. Okay, yeah, it is. But I just spent an afternoon trying to masturbate with these things and I see so much missed potential.


1 out of ten, only because this whole thing was hilarious and that pic of my girl cock tearing the pool noodle is magnificent. I might frame it. Would NOT recommend that anyone else do this though.


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Three Lessons I Learned When One of My Favorite Sex Workers Retired

I’m horrible with loss. It’s shitty and I suck at dealing with it.

So, when one of my absolute favorite clip sellers recently announced that they would be shutting down their Amateur Porn store, and planned to completely stop selling videos and pics altogether… that made me sad as fuck. Especially since one of their main reasons for doing so was because they weren’t make enough money doing it to justify the work they were putting in to it.

In fact, out of the literally hundreds of followers that they had consuming their posts across multiple social media platforms, only a handful were actively purchasing any of their content… and that’s super shitty tbh. I mean, hundreds of followers and very few sales to show for it? Fuck.

Here are three things that I’m personally taking away from this goodbye and applying to how I consume sex content going forward:


  1. The Understanding That Clip Selling & Camming is NOT as Easy as People Make it Out To Be

“Just sell some nudes!”, “Why don’t you start camming?”, “If you want easy money, get into sex work!” all are things that I have read/heard people say to those struggling with finances. There seems to be this bizarre misconception among folks that doing sex work, or selling amateur porn content, is this super simple thing that anybody can do super successfully whenever they want. 

But that’s not how it actually works.

Truth is that the market is incredibly inundated with clip sellers, cam workers, panty sellers, etc. and, thanks to tube sites peddling stolen clips and videos, the vast majority of sex workers and content creators do not see financial compensation for most of their work. Not only do the vast majority of people on the internet who seek out adult content generally do not want to pay for it- at all – but they generally believe that they are still somehow entitled to a constant stream of adult content for their own, individual sexual gratification.

I mean, who hasn’t heard countless people (be they friends or strangers) say shit like: “why would I pay for porn if I can watch it for free?”

In my younger years, I’ve even said it.

Here’s the thing, though: chances are that the “free” porn that you’ve looked at actually cost somebody else a whole lot of time, resources, and money of their own to make. And many of those individuals likely wonder if it’s even worth producing anything new when most of their supposed fans simply aren’t paying for it.

That random “hot chick masturbates on cam” video you watched the other night on some streaming site? Yeah, that was probably a cam worker’s private show which somebody recorded and uploaded without their permission. Boo.

Those super, high quality cosplay nudes you just looked at on Imagefap? Those were likely scooped from a model’s Patreon or off of a paysite they work for. So, yep, also super shitty.

Oh and about all of that those sex comics and erotic artwork sitting on “Rule 34” sites or image boards, guess what? That’s right, it’s all intellectual property taken from artist sites, often not properly attributed/cited, and sometimes even unethically profited from by these host sites through those annoying site ads and pop-ups you keep closing.

How the fuck is somebody supposed to make a living when not only are people not paying for content, but they are then getting gratification from that content when it is stolen and re-uploaded elsewhere?

Which leads to…


  1. It Is SUPER Important to Support Your Favorites by Actually Paying for Their Content

Are you following a bunch of clip sellers, cam workers, escorts, erotic artists, and models on Twitter, Tumblr, or some other social media platform? Cool, pay them for their work when you can.

Yes, seriously. Sitting there liking, re-tweeting, and following their presence, all while enjoying the occasional freebies they toss out there, isn’t “supporting” them. It’s freeloading.

And I’m not talking about somebody who legit cannot afford to pay for content right now. Eating, having clothes, and looking after your wellness is certainly more important than purchasing porn. What I’m talking about though are those who COULD afford to buy a clip this month, or some pics, but they spend it on other leisure activities instead, all while continue to enjoy sex worker’s advertisement nudes.

I mean, that’s kinda shitty, because once again it goes right back around to folks not wanting to pay sex workers for their work. It’s entitlement and disrespectful.

So, if you really, truly are a fan of somebody’s content, and you want them to keep making stuff, then how about instead of going to the movies this payday, maybe buy a few pics or a short video from them instead?

Once you do that…


  1. Gush About the Paid Content That You Love

Do you absolutely love the videos you bought from a specific clip seller? Are you ecstatic about a photo set you just purchased from your favorite model? Were you incredibly happy with custom content, or a private cam show, that you paid for from a sex worker recently?

THAT’S what you should be posting about! Let folks know just how happy you are with your purchase. Advocate that sex workers deserve to be paid for their work and that you feel that your money was well spent on their content. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends about how much you loved a clip, or photo gallery, and encourage them to buy it too.

And if they try to get you to share it with them for free, then tell them HELL no cause that’s fucking selfish and they should have more goddam respect for sex workers, creators, and artists. And if they say something shitty about sex workers after that then stop being friends with that person because they’re an asshole.

So, yeah, I’m pretty sour. I’m disappointed in myself for all the content I consumed for free over the years, when I could have paid, and I’m pissed at how our society rewards those who unethically consume porn while simultaneously disrespecting sex workers. And yeah, I’m pretty bummed that I’m never going to see new content from one of my favorite clip sellers in large part because of all that bullshit.

I’m going to do better, and I hope you folks will join me in buying more from the content creators you love too!

And to the NB porn faery moving on to other pursuits: this blogger/fan will miss you and your work an awful lot, but I wish you all of the best.


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