I’m That Angry Queer

So, it dawned on me recently that I think I’ve been, like, subconsciously going back into the closet…

Over the past two months I have been dressing less and less femme, I’ve been very sporadically wearing bras (when I had previously been wearing them every day), I’m not shaving very often (going weeks with stubble), my blogging frequency has slipped, and my self-confidence has been at the lowest it has been in… fuck, a while.

When I pick out my own clothes recently I tend to grab basic t-shirts and sweats or shorts. Then when people still inevitably stare at me I almost always turn to my partner Falon and say things like “why are they staring? I’m not even wearing anything femme…” or “I don’t even look that queer today, do I?” and my spoons quickly deplete. Still, dressing in pretty andro clothes, not shaving, and not wearing a bra, has made walking around town MUCH easier. I’ve been blending in a bit again.

And you know what? The street harassment HAS been way, way less over the last few months too. I haven’t had anything thrown at me from a car in a while, no transphobic/homophobic slurs yelled at me from some dudes in their pick-up truck, nobody following me and recording me on their phone (like with the Walmart or Mac’s Convenience incidents), nobody cornering me outside and screaming at me to get out of town (like at my bank last summer), just not a lot of harassment at all really.

Then two days ago, while standing in the kitchen doing some dishes, Falon could tell that I was really low on energy so said that they would finish doing them for now. “Go sit down, it’s okay,” they said. “You don’t have the spoons right now, but I do, so I can finish up what’s left.”

So, off I went to dry off my hands and without any forewarning I just fucking broke down crying. Hard.

Like, I’m talking full on hyperventilating, body shaking crying for nearly half-an-hour. And ever since then all I can think about is how absolutely, completely shitty that I’ve been to myself for the last 59 days.

This is the first selfie that I’ve shared on my Facebook page with friends and peers, since March 30th.


Between then and now I have spent the vast majority of my energy berating myself, bullying myself, invalidating myself, tone policing myself, gaslighting myself. I have let every single shitty, transphobic thing I’ve read on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, news articles, etc. over the past few years get under my skin and burrow deep.

All the YouTube videos with casual transphobic and transmisogynistic jokes thrown in for a laugh at our expense. The movies making fun of us, the public figures profiting off of our abuse and oppression, the Milo Y’s of the world calling us a cancer on society and advocating for us to be socially, politically, and financially quelled. The posts after posts after posts of people, both cis and trans, demeaning and degrading non-binary folk as liars, fakers, tricksters, and general nuisances to all. The cruelty of our families degrading and disowning us. The centering of capitalism, pinkwashing, tone policing, respectability politics, ally theater, and conformity by the organizations that purport to be “for us”.

It was all in there bubbling under the surface and until today I didn’t realize how much it had just been rotting and festering away inside me… making me feel sick, and sad, and worthless, and scared.

I deserve better, Falon deserves better, and my queer and trans readers, followers, and friends deserve better too.

Our anger, our frustration at the constant transphobia that we are forced to endure every single fucking day, those are valid emotions. Marginalized people are constantly  shut down and told by others for decades to be quiet, to be nice, to calm down, to not yell, to be patient, to educate people.

Yet over and over and over and over again people say and do transphobic things. Often the same people. Over and over again TV shows, YouTube vids, movies, news broadcasters, reporters, talk show hosts, etc. say and do transphobic things. Over and over again politicians, religious leaders, public figures, celebrities, teachers, professors, say and do transphobic things. Over and over again “allies” say and do transphobic things, then get angry when you bring it up.

And we’re expected to just not burden those around us with any of it. We’re expected to take all the forms of harassment from them every single day and to deal with it ourselves, in quiet. Stop complaining, it’s not so bad, say those who just don’t fucking want to hear it.

We’re expected to not be upset by any of it. To stop being angry, to stop being so sensitive, to not take things personally, to not rock the boat, to “pick our battles” (but not actually fight them TOO loudly), and to respect and hear out the abuses from others as “opinions”. Further, we’re expected to then generally listen to our abusers and softly, calmly, patiently, and politely teach them. Don’t alienate your allies. Don’t alienate ignorant politicians. Don’t alienate the abusive police system. Be nice and be quiet.

So for the last few months I’ve internalized thing after thing after thing.

I’ve subconsciously punished myself for my anger. I’ve isolated. I’ve stopped posting publicly about most things. I’ve stopped openly sharing my self-care and empowerment selfies. My “friends” list has shrunk exponentially with each passing month. I’ve worked quite subversively to quell my emotions and NOT be that angry queer that everybody berates as an “oversensitive”, “triggered”, an “SJW”.

But you know what, I’m queer and I’m angry.

Don’t like it? Go fuck yourself. I’m bouncing back and I’mma be LOUD.

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5 Surprisingly Cool Benefits to Mutual Masturbation

Happy Mid-Masturbation month, y’all! I know I’m a little late to the party already but I’ve been busy looking after my mental health and, well, masturbating. Also, mapping out what to write about for the next couple of weeks.

Not only am I midway through eating my own cum every day this month (and tracking details on taste and texture), I’m also prepping a new Mx Nillin Fucks post and my partner is interviewing me about that feature! So, keep an eye out for those over the new couple of weeks.

What I’d like to chat about in this piece though is something that I feel is SORELY underappreciated by most. Not only is it something I rarely hear talked about among friends, or anybody discussing sexuality, but it’s something that is also just really fucking fun… to be honest. So what is the thing that I’m being unnecessarily obtuse about?

Why, it’s mutual masturbation, of course! What is mutual masturbation?

It’s the act of two or more people masturbating in the presence of one another. While purists may say that it has to be done in person, I say that’s a bunch of hooey because as far as I’m concerned mutual masturbation can absolutely be enjoyed long distance over the phone, messenger, voice chat, or any video chat services as well.

Also, contrary to popular misconception, mutual masturbation does not require you to be in a committed relationship in order to do it. No, no. Fuck that noise. You can mutually masturbate with all kinds of people, so long as everybody is comfortable and consenting. I’m talking your friend(s), roommate(s), coworker(s), classmate(s), or even a complete stranger on ChatRoulette. [Oh ChatRoulette…]

Anyway, here are five pretty cool benefits that I’ve discovered through my experiences masturbating with others:

 

It’s a Great Way to Share Your Own, and Learn About Other, Sexual Fantasies

Are you really into pet play? How about exhibitionism? Maybe you love fisting, or gangbangs, or eating ass. Have you ever wanted to dress-up like members of the Avengers with somebody and just fuck like animals because you’re about to got fight Ultron and you have no idea whether or not you’ll survive? Awesome, get some of your go to porn links together and save those to your favorites, if you haven’t already, because now would be a great time to break the ice on them.

Usually when I mutually masturbate with my partner we take turns picking out porn vids. Through this practice, I have learned a lot about their sexual fantasies and desires for really rough sex, humiliation play, and fisting, among others. Likewise, I have picked out videos that often feature exhibitionism, public sex, cum play, pet play, and, at times, some hentai or erotic furry art.

Treat it like a sort of show and tell for your kinks! You don’t even have to be in a committed relationship. If you’re masturbating with a friend this can still be a great practice in kink positivity wherein you both have the opportunity to share and talk about what excites you.

 

You Can Learn Self-Pleasure Techniques for Your Own Enjoyment That You Didn’t Know Before

Regardless of who you do it with, one of the best things about masturbating with somebody who has similar genitals as yourself is that you can learn exciting self-pleasure methods you may not have tried yourself yet! As somebody with a girl cock, I feel very fortunately to have had the opportunity to masturbate with a fair amount of people with a penis over the years. Be it a pacing thing, a creative way to use your free hand, or a specific stroking method I wasn’t familiar with, I’ve almost always managed to pick up something refreshing and fun from the ways that I’ve seen my friends and lovers jerk off.

And sure, you could learn something from just watching a solo jerk off scene too BUT, believe me when I say that masturbating with somebody who you feel comfortable with, who you can actually converse with, who you can ask questions, watch up close, be watched by, replicate the techniques of more accurately, etc. is an experience unlike any other.

My partner and I always argue over who gets to use the wand. It’s magical, y’all…

 

It Can Be a Huge Confidence Builder

When you are masturbating with a great friend, partner, or lover, don’t be stingy on the compliments! Nothing lifts confidence like some flattering remarks, so, if things seem a little on the quiet side then toss some out there to whoever you’re ‘bating with. Chances are that this will add to the overall excitement of things for both of you while simultaneously encouraging empowering remarks.

It’s not just about feeling good during sexual experiences. People tend to also want to feel attractive to whoever they are being sexual with, and like they are contributing to those exchanges in meaningful ways. So, get those balls rolling! Empower your jerk off buddy with some playful, sexy, accolades and encourage them to hand some your way too!

Overall, mutual masturbation has the potential to be a very uplifting exercise that leaves you, and your masturbating guest, feeling satisfied in more ways than one.

 

It’s a Great Way to Practice Dirty Talk

Whether you’re new to it, or a seasoned smut master with your words, mutual masturbation provides a unique opportunity to practice some dirty talk in a relatively chill environment. It actually took me quite awhile to get comfortable with dirty talking. I had never been very good at it and it just generally wasn’t something I was very confident with. While having sex, there were many instances where my partner would want some dirty talk while we were having rough sex but I just couldn’t find the words, for whatever reason.

During mutual masturbation, though, my partner slowly encouraged me to explore dirty talk through us watching BDSM scenes as we pleasured ourselves. Every so often they would lean a little closer and ask things like “wouldn’t you like to do that to me?”, “what else would you do?”, “what am I?”, etc. And, needless to say, once you start answer those questions… well, you’re on your way!

Watching porn with your jerk off buddy (or buddies) allows you the opportunity to really share and explore each other’s fantasies, kinks, and desires. Plus, it’s hot as fuck!

 

It’s a Great Way to Show Your Partner(s)/Lover(s) What You Like, And Learn What They Like Too

Mutually masturbating with somebody can provide the unique opportunity to literally give them a presentation on how you personally derive pleasure. Look at it as a prime time to really show your partner(s) or lover(s) what you like through highlighting the self-pleasure methods you use.

Is there a specific way that you like having your genitals stimulated? Cool, be sure to really highlight that as you play. Are there other areas on your body that REALLY up the pleasure you experience? Awesome, touch and/or caress those too. Personally, mutually masturbating has felt like one of the most natural times to convey how I like to be touched to my partner(s).

Likewise, there’s no better way to learn how you can more effectively get your partner(s) or lover(s) off than by watching them literally show you how they get themselves off. Pay attention and you’re sure to learn many fun tricks!

 

How about you folks? Have you mutually masturbated with anyone before? If so, what was your experience with it?

 

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Mx Nillin’s Monthly Refap: April 2017

[CW: nudity, pic of girl cock at the very end of this post]

April showers bring spring colds, post nasal drip coughing fits, and chronic sinus congestion. Well, it didn’t actually rain much this month but my allergies have been going haywire nonetheless, and the last week solid was a complete write-off with me spending most of it in bed curled up in a ball.

Overall, it’s been kind of a miserable month health wise tbh. Between waking up every other night coughing due to coughing fits from incessant post nasal drip, and just generally feeling clogged up, I’m pretty grumpy, tired, and irritable at the best of times.

On the upside, I was still quite productive on the blog this month. There is also a lot coming up that I’m very excited for. Most notably, our friends with benefits from out of town are coming to visit us next weekend! My partner and I haven’t seen them in quite some time as life is busy and we’ve all be tight on travel funds. So, we’re really looking forward to spending time with them as we’ve missed them terribly. Of course we are also hoping that everybody is feeling good so that we can fuck them, because we’ve also missed that too [SO much]!

 

Blog Related Stuff

This month was pretty chill at the blog. I’ve had a lot of other work and responsibilities outside of Mx Nillin to focus on so a lot of the pieces written for April were more self-reflective in nature.

Okay, so as for site content, here were this month’s posts:

 

Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Butt Stuff, Cum Eating Goals, and My Adorable Girl Cock Bulge.

  • In the last monthly refap I mentioned that New Hope Inc. had asked me to film a short clip for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. That vid went live on their Facebook page just a couple of days ago, so, be sure to CLICK HERE and give it a watch!

 

  • I don’t fuck my ass nearly as much as I should. For somebody who has a lot of dildos, plugs, and lube to play with I often go weeks, sometimes even months, without busting any of that out for play times. I think a lot of it comes down to a mix of laziness and some lingering shame about the act that’s still insidiously lodged in my subconscious. But just last week I had a nice long bath with my Sleipnir (Small) from Bad Dragon and the Orca Large from Erotic Exotics and whew… I came HARD. With May being masturbation month I’m committing to spending a lot more quality time exploring my booty, prostate, along with my girl cock.

 

  • Speaking of masturbation month I have a few things planned. Not only will I be enjoying that “quality time “ I mentioned in my last post I also plan to eat my cum at LEAST once a day for the entirety of this month. Why? Because I love eating cum. Also, I want to experiment with shit. Like, eating different foods to change the taste of it. Then there are the claims out there that eating your own semen does wonders for your skin and can serve both as an anti-depressant and sleep aid, among other things. True? I dunno… let’s see how I feel after a month.

 

  • A few days ago I was wearing a some leggings and a skirt when I noticed that I had a really cute girl cock bulge going on. Naturally, I snapped a pic of it and for the remainder of the month my obsession has been wearing fem things that compliment and enhance my package. Booty shorts have been a big thing, as has NOT wearing panties. I think I want to write a post all about embracing the cock bulge for those, like me, who don’t tuck. I touched on it before in my Panty Shopping Tips for People With a Penis Who Don’t Tuck, but I feel like another post all together on bulge positivity is needed!

 

Slutty Pic(s) of the Month

As with previews refaps, I like to end each of these posts with my favorite lewd pic of the month. Unfortunately, I didn’t really take many nudes in April, so, here’s a quick pick of girl cock!

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