Well, here we are, there’s only ONE more part to go after this in #30DayOrgasmFun 2019!
“What the shit is that?” you ask?
Well, it’s a sex positive project centering mental health and wellness self-care through sexual gratification that was started by the wonderful Tabitha Rayne! The general idea is for folks to have as many orgasms as they can throughout April and to write about, or even just think about, the effects that they have on their overall mood.
This post gets real fucking candid and vulnerable on performance anxiety and stress about sex, so I’m feeling a little nervous posting it. But my partners insisted I did as they thought there was bound to be folks out there who may benefit from reading about how I’m working through this shit.
Be sure to read the previous parts too:
Context note: I (they/them) am in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship with my best friends Kate (she/her) and Fal (they/them). You’ll read a lot about them in these posts throughout the month.
You’ll also likely read about Quinn (she/her), an awesome blogging peer who I’ve recently started sexting with quite a bit, as well as Kris (they them), a long-time friend who I’ve reconnected with in the last year and occasionally mutually masturbate with over webcam.
April 21st and 22nd – Sex Stress & Performance Anxiety!
After all of the hardcore sex over the weekend with my partners, and then long-distance masturbation and flirting with Quinn, my girl cock definitely needed a goddamn break! So, that’s what happened. I honestly just focused on rest and relaxation for a couple of days with very little touch or play.
I did get to some thinking though… I’ve already noticed and written about the affects of stress on my sex and masturbation enjoyment a couple of times over the course of this month, but it was a lot more on my mind over these downtime days.
I mean, I keep going into these brief periods, of varying lengths and intensities, of definitely self-inflicted sex stress. It’s all lead by this shitty cycle of orgasming being a GREAT stress relief… yet one of the biggest effects of major stress on me is trouble with maintaining an erection and/or experiencing an orgasm. Fucking figures, eh?
I know that the problem is almost entirely self-induced performance anxiety and negative self-talk. That doesn’t make it any fucking easier to figure our and work through though.
Both Kate and Fal, as well as my past lovers and play friends, have all reaffirmed numerous times that they immensely enjoy having sex with me. In fact, a couple of days ago Kate expressed that her sex life with Fal and I is hands down the most fulfilled that she has ever been in her life. It’s a sentiment that I share about her and Fal as well.
Yet as much as I hear these things, I still struggle with believing them. I still think that I’m 1 sex mistake away from fucking everything up and that makes me feel like I am fucking things up, which of course leads to – you guessed it – more fucking stress!
For example; there was a period of several months (probably wasn’t even that long but I’m hard on myself) with Kate last year where I just was NOT lasting long during intercourse. Like, sometimes less than 5 mins of penetrative sex, or oral, and BOOM, Mx Nillin was cumming hard. She never complained about it once. I always went down on her after, either to eat my cum out of her or just give her an orgasm too, and she would oftentimes experience multiple full-body ones, yet I was convinced that she’d only put up with my fast cumming ass for so long.
This meant that a worry of mine during sex with Kate during that time was “lasting longer”. How do you think that worked out for me? Yeah, if fucking didn’t, because I stressed myself out about it and fulfilled my prophecy of orgasming quickly. Fun times.
It wasn’t until I stopped caring about it so much that I had much longer sex with Kate last Friday! Yay! Problem is, new stresses have already shown up and it got me worrying that I was just about to fall into another cycle… only THIS time I’m thinking about it more!
I think it’s time to talk to my partners about these anxieties and find ways around them so that stress is affecting me less in the bedroom. All this time I’ve been putting all this pressure on myself to sort it out and I have 2 amazing, loving partners who would totally understand and have my back to help remove those anxieties.
Annnnnnd now I’m feeling like a bit of a fool for not reflecting on this shit sooner.
April 23rd to 25th- Strong Communication for the Fucking Win!
Came from masturbating twice on Tuesday, twice more on Wednesday, and once on Thursday. They all felt great, but the biggest take away from this block of days was the GREAT conversation I had with Kate and Fal on the 24th about all that sex stress shit!
After letting Fal read the last section in my drafts, I then sent it to Kate to fill her in a little on the bedroom anxiety experiences that had be weighing on my mind. Within moments, she messages me saying “lol can I give you a call”?
Turns out, just as I had suspected, Kate had not at ALL felt that I had been orgasming too quickly. That shit hadn’t even crossed her mind! Like with most of my major anxieties and stresses, I was blowing it up in my head. In fact not only did she not at all think that I was cumming too quickly, she was really fucking stoked about “all the orgasms [she] was having from all the really great sex!” and hadn’t been thinking about the length of that sex at all. A classic case of quality over quantity!
So, yeah… felt like a bit of a silly fuck if I’m being honest here LOL. Still, the affirmations felt pretty great. Plus, Kate had some solid advice for our future sexy times: “just stop [over]thinking, and start fucking!”
Time to put that to the test!
April 26th – Finally, Some Butt Fucking!
Interesting observation time! And it just completely reconfirms that I’m getting too much up in my head and not fully enjoying pleasure in the moment, which is what’s been leading to all the aforementioned stress. Fal and I were procrastinating on our day by laying in bed when they started to play with my lady balls and stroke my girl cock. Obviously it felt fucking amazing and I got rock hard pretty quick. As much as I was enjoying the handjob though… I hadn’t fucked Fal’s ass in a while and I was craving it. So off they went to prep and I got out the lube!
Where’s this interesting observation play in? Well… as I was lubing my cock up for anal I said “hang on a sec, I’m gonna grab a picture for the blog” then LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD… I started to lose my erection.
How fucking curious, eh?
So yeah, there it is right there. I’m putting so much stress on myself for blog content through my sex life that it’s causing much of that performance anxiety. Now that I’ve found one of the causes though I feel much more prepared to change what I need to change. In this case, I decided to just put down the phone then started fingering Fal’s ass and jerking off as I did. I was almost as hard as before within just a minute or so.
And that made all the fucking difference!
Now with no phone in hand, and my mind entirely on how incredible it felt slowly easing my thick, pulsing girl cock into Fal’s raised, eager asshole all my anxiety seemed to dissipate. I was just all about that booty. Once I had a handful of their hair in one hand, while I used my other to grab their hip so that I could brace myself while pounding them as deep and hard as I could, it wasn’t long before I was shooting an impressive amount of cum in them.
Kate was right. I had to stop [over]thinking and start fucking. Going forward, I’m going to stop having sex FOR my blog, and start having fulfilling sex for myself that I might write about after. Besides, if I need to stage photos later, I got two hot as fuck partners for that!