Mx Nillin Fucks… Jell-O!

[CW: girl cock and gelatin, NSFW]

Welcome to the second installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a new blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

A couple of weeks ago I got myself a nice apple pie, warmed it up in an oven, and then made sweet, sticky love to it… it sucked, but I think we all learned something from it. Maybe. Or maybe nobody learned anything, I dunno. The take away here is that I do not recommend using pie as a masturbatory aid.

Luckily, there are so many things to try and fuck still!

At the end of THIS posts you’ll find another poll listing other items I’m curious about penetrating. The item that gets the most votes, by next Friday March 31, 2017, will be what I buy and fuck next!

But enough of all that, let’s get to why you’re here. After the last post, there was a poll too, and for reasons I can only assume were motivated by sheer hatred, ya’ll chose Jello.

Substance GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Here’s what you need to know about that!

 

How Much Will It Cost to Fuck It?

Jell-O is cheap as fuck, ya’ll. All depends on how many packs you get, if it’s on sale, and if you get the no-name or brand name stuff. For one of those 4-serving boxes you’re probably looking at anywhere from .25¢ to, what.. $2.00 each? Whatever. I don’t care.

Anyway, I ended up buying 3 boxes of green Jell-O and 2 boxes of yellow Jell-O at $1.70 each. My partner also grabbed a really nice bunt cake pan for $7.95 because they wanted one and I wanted to try doing it with a fancy Jell-O mould.

I mean, sure, I could have gone for the 39¢ packs then driven around town to find a cheap gelatin mould but we wanted a goddamn bunt cake pan and if I’m going to stick my girl cock into a gelatinous blob then that shit is gonna be J-E-L-L-O!

So, in total, we spent about $16.00 to do this.

Don’t do that. Seriously. I can confidently say that if, for whatever reason, you want to fuck Jell-O, you can buy a single 4-serving box for, like, 50¢ and make that in a tall glass or a bowl and boom, there you go.

Total cost: $1.00 to $20.00, I guess, if you’re me. (Canadian)

 

How Much Prep Will This Take?

It’s fucking Jell-O.

Open the pack then dump that shit into whatever container you want to hold it while you’re fucking it, follow the incredibly simple instructions on the box, then stick it in the fridge and forget about it for a few hours.

It’s fucking Jell-O.

 

What Is It Like to Fuck?

Genuinely awful.

It’s cold, it’s sticky, it drips frigid sugar goo everywhere, falls apart easily and is simply not at all conducive to sexy times. Not to mention my girl cock was fucking numb ya’ll and no amount of jerking off, or thinking sexy thoughts, helped in that situation.

I got hard once at the beginning, just before fucking the Jell-O mould from the bunt cake pan, and once after taking a 15 minute break from that shit show just before trying to force my dick into the glass of Jell-O.

Here’s the thing though, peeps. Surface tension. It takes an unenjoyable amount of effort to force your dick in this stuff.

For the mould, I slid a butter knife into the side of it to make, like, a fuck tunnel for me to penetrate.

Okay. I’m gonna be straight up here. The prospect of fucking Flubber to begin with was NOT sexually exciting to me. So trying to make my girl cock erect enough to slip in that sticky heap was just not happening. Luckily, my partner is super supportive and they stepped up to whisper dirty talk in my ear while giving me a handjob in the kitchen. Schwing!

Finally, raging erection in hand, I dipped my dick in and you know what? For a split second it kinda felt like this COULD feel pretty- oh wait, nope. No. It’s not good.

The cold.

It’s just… it’s a boner killer. And I’m Canadian! I KNOW cold. I’ve experienced -50 degree Celcius winter days. Hell I’ve masturbated outdoors in, like, -30 degrees Celsius.

But this was different. This wasn’t me rubbing one out over a snow bank with a nice cloth glove on my hand. I’m actually fairly positive that this is what sex with Slimer would be like.

One full thrust in and that raging erection my partner helped me get was gone.

And my balls, oh god… they were so cold from slapping the side of that crap that they retreated inside of my body to places I don’t think they’ve ever been before. And they stayed there, for a disconcerting amount of time afterward.

I seriously thought they might never come out again. I mean, can that happen?? Can your testicles get so cold they ascend to the point of no return??

[Note: My balls are BACK ya’ll! I’ve since apologized to Sarah and Helena and they’re happily dangling between my smooth thighs once again.]

Remember the cup of Jell-O I mentioned before? Yeah, well, that wasn’t great either. Here’s my shriveled, sad penis wondering what it did wrong for me to subject it to this awfulness.

This is what real life masturbation with ridiculous things looks like folks. Sometimes it’s not so glamorous. Okay, I’m done talking about this.

2 out of 10. I’d rather fuck a pie again.

Okay let’s just vote for the next thing. It’s all warm or room temperature cause fuuuuuuuck that.

 

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Mx Nillin Fucks… Warm Apple Pie!

DISCLAIMER: Exercise caution when handling hot foods! Do NOT put your genitals onto or into fresh baked goods without allowing for adequate cooling time first.

Welcome to the first installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a new blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to get me off, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

So, here’s how these are going to work: every couple of weeks I’m going to buy an inanimate item or an object, then I’ll take it home, and masturbate with it. After doing this for however long it takes to decide whether or not it feels good, or enough to determine whether or not the logistics required to masturbate with it are worth the effort, I’ll stop and then will write a post about it!

At the end of each of these posts there will be a poll listing other items I’m curious about penetrating. The item that gets the most votes, within 7-days after the previous post goes up, will be what I buy and fuck next!

Sound good? Cool, I think so too!

For this first post, I decided to draw some inspiration from the 1999 cinematic classic, American Pie. That’s right… I fucked a warm apple pie.

Pie GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Here’s what you need to know about that!

 

How Much Will it Cost To Fuck?

That depends entirely on whether your pie is homemade or store bought. If you want to go the homemade route, that’s cool, but I literately had no interest in baking a pie from scratch for the sole purpose of having sex with it. So, figure it out yourself.

I just stopped at a grocery store, walked back to the bakery department and picked out the heaviest and most well-made looking apple pie I could find sitting out on their shelves.

Total cost: $4.99 (Canadian)

 

How Much Prep Does it Take to Fuck?

Not a lot, actually! But it does require an oven. Set your oven to preheat to 350 degrees, then put your pie it in there for about 15  minutes.

Now it’s time to add some extra filling to that sweet crust, right?

NO.
Whoa! What did I JUST say?? You just reheated that thing in a fucking oven for 15 minutes.

 

WARNING:  Do NOT stick your penis into a pie that has just come out of the oven. Let it cool in room temperature for AT LEAST 30 minutes.

 

Jason Biggs didn’t sensually finger fuck that voluptuous pie before sticking his dick in it for no reason. So, slow down there, pastry lover. Let you baked goodies hang out for a bit then finger test that shit first!

I mean, sure, burning your fingers would also suck if it was too hot, but do you know what would be WAY worse? Burning your goddamn genitals, that’s what. So, slow down, take your time, and finger your pie.

Hell, you don’t even have to burn your fingers to know if it’s safe yet.  Can you literally see steam coming off of it? If yes, then don’t fuck it right now. Let it sit for a while and maybe check back  again in an additional 15 minutes or so.

When you come back to look at it, hold your hand just over the top surface of it to check how much heat you feel coming off it and gauge from there. But please, for the love of god, don’t penetrate it with your penis until you test it with your fingers first. If your fingers can’t take the heat of that pie then your genitals sure as fuck won’t be able to either.

 

What Is it Like to Fuck?

Thoroughly underwhelming. Hollywood LIED to us.

Seriously, this was  a wholly awkward, sticky, and exhausting experience.

First I tried holding it in one hand while I penetrated the steam vent hole in the middle.

 

Let me say right off the bat that pie doesn’t hold heat evenly. So, even after you’ve let it cool, and have done the finger test, it’s likely that you’re still going to find hot spots the further you push your penis under that crust.

WARNING: Insert your penis into the cooled pie SLOWLY… there are hidden hot spots that can potentially burn you even after you think that the pie is “good to go”.

This uneven heat really kills the mood as it halts progress and makes the prospect of burning your penis head fucking terrifying. And when you’re terrified of burning your penis head, you’re gonna have a bad time. Ultimately, I poked some extra holes into the crust with a fork and even put the pie in the fridge for an extra 5  minutes just to be safe.

If that wasn’t already a buzzkill, the next thing that immediately becomes apparent is that most pies are, like, an inch-and-a-half deep. With my girl cock being about 6-inches there just wasn’t a lot of pie for me to fuck, really.

I spent more time rubbing the head and frenulum of my girl cock onto the tin foil pan than I did actually fucking the pie itself. And even when you make yourself a nice little burrow, pleasure doesn’t last long before the crust starts cracking and crumbling and now you’re just skimming the surface of a puddle of apple goo.

Eventually, I just gave up and put the fucking thing right on the ground so that I could try humping it. Here’s how that went:

This was slightly better, but not better enough to do it for longer than a minute. Finally I just conceded. I hiked up my dress, got into our tub, and rinsed off the sad clumps of sweet pastry from my girl cock, balls, and thighs.

 

Should You Fuck It?

Nahhh. I had a decent time because my partner was watching, and taking pictures, then I got to write this ridiculous post. For actual masturbation purposes though this gets a 3/10, only because I’m confident there will be worse things I stick my girl cock in over the coming months. Speaking of which…

 

 

 

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Ethical Exhibitionism: Outdoor and Semi-Public Places To Discreetly Masturbate

Most of us fantasize about it, many of us have done it on occasion, yet talking about masturbation in the great outdoors can feel a little scary. However, the problem isn’t necessarily doing these things outdoors, or in public, so much as it’s the potential for others being exposed to these actions without their consent (NEVER seek out opportunities to expose yourself to people in public… that’s sexual assault and harassment… period).

But if nobody sees you do it…

Anyway, here are three locations to enjoy the thrill of outdoor self-pleasure, along with some tips for how you can get off with the absolute minimal risk for unwanted exposure.

 

Outdoor Wooded Areas

Some of you might be thinking “ugh, I live in the city and can’t just up and go masturbate in the woods!” But you CAN do that because almost every city or town has wooded areas and, honestly, they are AWESOME places to get off in. Not even kidding. It’s the best. I’m not sure what human cum does to foliage, but if there are any scientists out there researching the topic I’m positive that they could learn a lot from the incredible amounts of ejaculate that has been plastered all over nature in the parks of the world.

What’s so great about these places is that they offer a ton of coverage yet you’re still technically IN an urban setting. Once you find the right spot, you’ll be able to kick back, enjoy the breeze, hear your city bustling in the distance (depending on the time of day), all while you treat yourself to a good time. So, how do you keep your outdoor batin’ low key?

It’s pretty easy, actually. Between the trees, dense bushes, tall grass, etc. all you gotta do is go for a walk and let yourself wander off the path once you feel confident there’s likely nobody watching you. Just a minute or so into the foliage you’ll almost always find a nice little place  out of view from any joggers, walkers, and cyclists where you can become one with nature… by cumming all over it.

Pro-Tip 1: DON’T get completely naked. While your chances of being seen are rather low, so long as you are using common sense on picking a nicely concealed masturbation spot, you still want to be able to cover up and leave in a hurry should you have to. Track pants, sweat pants, loose fitting clothes in general, are great for quickly pulling up and down as needed.

Pro-Tip 2: DON’T wear bright colors. Nothing defeats the purpose of sneaky outdoor orgasms more than wearing a bright orange hoodie or the reddest jacket that you own. Instead, wear blacks, dark greys, dark blues, or maybe some forest greens. Wearing hot pink while your playing with your hot pink is just flat out foolish.

outdoor-play-time

In Your Car

There’s nothing quite like pulling off the highway onto a grid road where you can put your car into park and positively make a mess of yourself from a little self-lovin’. Alternatively, heading out at night for a little drive and finding a nice dark parking lot or side-street to yourself is guaranteed to get you off. You don’t even have to do it solo!

If you have a lover, or a friend, or whatever, who also enjoys the thrill of car ‘bating then invite them with you! For extra hotness, encourage them to play with themselves in the passenger seat while you’re driving around looking for a great spot for play time together. By the time you do find the perfect place, you’ll both be so worked up from the naughtiness, coupled with the excitement of what you’re about to do together, that it probably won’t take long before you both need to go home and get cleaned up ASAP.

Pro-Tip 1: Wait until it’s dark, that way there is a lot less traffic on the roads, practically no pedestrians around, and far more places to park where you won’t be seen.

Pro-Tip 2: If you pick a masturbation spot along a dark road, or parking lot, or whatever, DON’T leave your car running. Shut it all down so that there are no lights or sounds drawing attention to you.

Pro-tip 3: Keep a box of Kleenex in your car for clean-up!

 

In the Backyard

Whatever your living arrangements, if you’ve got a backyard and some home alone time then getting off out back  is hot as fuck too!

Pro-Tip 1: If you’re going to sit/lay outside during the day, bring a blanket and book. Wrap up in the blanket, pretend to read, and let that dominant hand bring you to climax!

Pro-tip 2: Once again for maximum safety, with the risk of getting busted still being present, wait until nightfall to sneak out back and do your thing.

Pro-tip 3: If you have any security lights, or motion detector lights out back, make sure you deactivate those before going out to play with yourself.

 

For more Ethical Exhibitionism topics check out:

Where to Find Consenting Audiences

Considerate Cum Tributes

 

NOTE: Thursday updates will be re-posts from mxnillin.wordpress.com, which was permanently suspended by WordPress due to their sexphobic anti-porn and anti-sex work policies. This post was originally published on November 6, 2016. Click here for the full story.

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