4 Tips To Manage Jealousy and Insecurity in Queer Non-Monogamy

I know that my partner loves me very much.

I know from how they cuddle up to me every night as I fall asleep. I know from how they tenderly kiss me awake every morning. I know from how they help me pick out clothes on days that I feel particularly dysphoric. I know from how they constantly tell me how proud they are of me about everything from doing something cool in a video game to achieving a goal I’ve been working toward.

Yet there have still been times when I have felt so insecure about myself that it manifests as jealousy, irritability, self-isolation, co-dependancy, and even a drop in sex drive. This especially comes into play with our non-monogamy in that when I am feeling particularly insecure I often become jealous or worried about the people my partner is flirting with, or sexting with, or sending nudes too, despite previously consenting to those non-monogamous boundaries and activities. Vulnerability tends to pull those feelings and fears out at times.

However, while those emotions, and the insecurity that led to them, are valid it is important not to project those struggles unfairly onto my partner.  

So, how do I deal? Well, here are 4 tips for ways that I have found most effective for facing my insecurities or feelings of jealousy in a healthy way:

 

Tip #1: Talk About It

Yep! While it is true that communication and honesty is important to any form of relationship, it is arguably even MORE important in non-monogamous ones given the emotional, physical, and sexual complexities at play with multiple autonomous individuals to consider.  So, if you have the capacity for it, talk about your jealousy. Acknowledge it and work through it with your partner(s).

Of course, that’s often easier said than done for many. Things such as anxiety and depression are perfectly valid reasons for why bringing up these conversations can be especially difficult. However, I’m still a big advocate of talking things through, when possible.

Not only will doing so allow you to unpack what is really behind those jealous feelings but sharing in that process with your partner(s) and/or lover(s) is great way at reaffirming trust, honesty, and communication.

 

Tip #2: Re-asses Your Boundaries Often

Regardless of the structure of your non-monogamous relationship(s), boundaries play a very, very important role in ensuring that everyone involved feels comfortable, safe, and respected. In monogamous relationships, boundaries tend revolve around two individuals committing to exclusive emotional, romantic, and sexual bonds with each other. In non-monogamous relationships, boundaries aren’t always so straightforward.

Maybe it was agreed that non-monogamy for you and your partner meant just having the occasional threesome. Maybe it means that sharing nudes and sexting with friends and/or strangers online is cool. Maybe it means that oral sex with others is cool, but penetrative sex is off the table. Maybe it means that either of you can have sex with whoever you like, however you like, but you remain emotionally monogamous with only each other. Or maybe non-monogamy for you is a complex series of emotional and/or sexual relationships with people who you may or may not live with, perhaps not even within the same city.  

When relationship boundaries are crossed, like your partner having sex with your friend while you were at work even though you both expressly agreed to not have sex without you both being present, then this naturally makes people feel jealous because of actions that challenged their comfort or safety.

If you feel that a boundary has been crossed, whatever that boundary may have been, it is of the utmost importance that a conversation about that occurs with your partner(s) as soon as possible! During said convo be sure to assess if everyone’s sexual or romantic needs have changed and, if so, do your relationship boundaries need to be re-considered.

NOTE: There is a very big difference between re-thinking relationship boundaries with your partner(s) vs. feeling pressured into agreeing with boundaries that make you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and/or disregarded.

 

Tip #3: Prioritize Self-Care When Needed

As a chubby, hairy, queer, proudly non-passing androbabe [who sometimes just identifies as “trans”, or, non-binary, for the convenience of cis people], I struggle a lot with feeling attractive in a world that constantly works to blatantly affirm that anyone visibly trans or queer is disgusting and abnormal. Sounds harsh, but it’s true and one need not look much further than the past 25-years of blatant transphobia in film or even most of those “cringe compilation” videos all over YouTube that almost always present queer and trans peeps through a derogatory lens.

So yeah, it gets to people over time. I know it has for me, and there have absolutely been periods where I have internalized hateful public discourse about queer and trans folk to the point where it has made me feel incredibly insecure within my relationship. All sort of emotional responses can come from those insecurities and fears, from expressions of jealousy or dependence to irritability or anger.

That’s why it’s SUPER important to practice self-care on a regular basis. Be it reading a good book, having long baths, playing video games, listening to music, going for a walk, watching movies, watching porn, masturbating with your favorite toy (or your hands), hanging out at home naked, whatever, make sure to allow time for yourself to look after your own needs.

You deserve it, and you’re worth it.

Self-care for me is often just playing video games partially naked.

 

 

Tip #4: Take a Social Media Break

Coming directly out of the last tip: for any queer and trans folk who have spent substantial time online, reading the news, reading comments sections, following social activists of any kind, they’ll likely have some pretty rough stories to tell you about the anti-queer and anti-trans harassment, threats, hate speech, and general degradation they have likely both witnessed and been the target of themselves.

Transphobia and queerphobia remain extremely pronounced, and particularly vitriolic, not only across social media platforms but also within general public discourse, and especially politic heavy environments, on a whole. In this alt-right, neo-fascist, culturally regressive era of Trump it is an especially difficult time for marginalized folk as blatant bigotry and hate speech has once again become socially acceptable.

It’s an extremely well documented fact that individuals constantly exposed to hateful rhetoric, degrading comments, and negative perceptions of individuals such as themselves, tend to internalize it all. You hear so many people saying awful things about your sexuality, or your gender identity, and after hearing it for so long it has a nasty habit of burrowing inside you and rotting.

But let me tell you this: they’re NOT true. You’re not any of the things that ignorant bigots, hateful politicians, and faceless trolls say you are. Fuck ’em.

And if you need to take a break from it all, be it just for a few days, or a week, or even a month, then please do not hesitate to do so. Your true friends will keep in touch with you through this time and all your online connections will likely be there when you return. Unplugging for your mental wellness is valid.

 

So, how about the rest of you out there, what things have you found helpful in addressing insecurities or feelings of jealousy in your relationship(s)?

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Why I Post My Nudes Online

[CW: girl cock and NSFW images]

One of the most frequently asked questions I get about this site is “why do you post your nudes?” The snarky side of me kind of wants to give them a deadpan look and just say “You’re welcome”, however, there are actual reasons for why my posts tend to be sexually explicit and include nudes of myself engaging in the acts described (ie; the “Mx Nillin Fucks” series, the post on Frenulum Stimulation, etc.)

So, for those curious about why this sex blog is 18+ only and why I’m putting myself out there in various states of nakedness, here are some of the reasons:

 

This blog is literally self-love and self care for me.

I spent the vast majority of my formative years genuinely disgusted with myself physically and emotionally. I had discovered masturbation at a pretty young age. I had also been making out with and masturbating with another boy, all while crossdressing in secret on occasion. But deep seeded, internalized transphobia and queerphobia led to me stifling all that as best as I could.

I was the hardest on myself after crossdressing sessions when I would become very angry with myself. I’d call myself every name and the book and tell myself that I would never, ever, ever do that again. It was weird and wrong and if I wanted to be happy I had to be normal (as in not wearing “girls” clothes and kissing boys). Of course, looking back on it I see how popular culture, film, TV, news media, and a lot of mainstream pornography reaffirmed and perpetuated those ignorant beliefs. Hell, even more insidious were my school peers, teachers/educators, mentors, community leaders, and all the other adults around me who saw queer and trans people as sub-human.

You’d think that today would be a lot better in regards to all of this, but it’s not really. Anti-trans sentiment is still extremely high. Film, television, media, comedians, etc. still treat gender diverse people like jokes. Community leaders, religious leaders, elected officials/politicians, major organizations, and celebrities still actively advocate anti-trans and anti-queer policies, laws, and violence. And sometimes the comments section of most every news story, blog, and social media posts are often overflowing with transphobic and homophobic abuse from countless people with “opinions”.

This site is my reprieve from all of that.

On these pages I work to challenge those socially ingrained anti-trans, sexually shaming messages permeating around me by creating a space that is explicitly pro-trans, pro-queerness, pro-kink, pleasure, and sexuality. Embracing, exploring, speaking about, and sharing my body on this blog has greatly improved my mental, emotional, and physical health.

It’s reclamation, really. Reclamation of my body, my gender, my sexuality, my fantasies, my kinks and fetishes, and my desires.

 

Positive, Sexual Portrayals of Queer and Trans Bodies Matter.

Images of non-binary, genderqueer, and non-conforming people, especially those with a penis, engaging in sexual activity that doesn’t focus on degradation play are very hard to come by. The vast majority of any posts about sexuality and/or gender, whether NSFW or not, tend to almost exclusively utilize imagery that is heavily cisnormative or, when trans representation does exist, it almost always values images of cis-passing models with conventionally binary gender expressions.

Other sources can be objectifying, fetishizing, or outright degrading, such as the countless adult entertainment sites and blogs that market and tag all of their content with transphobic slurs.

Imagery of a chubby, hairy, non-binary, queer person with a girl cock exploring their sexuality in affirming ways? Yeah, no, that representation ain’t easy to find anywhere. And it won’t be easy to find anywhere for anybody until more start creating and sharing it. So, here I am… creating and sharing it.

Had I seen bodies like my own in a positive light at ANY point in my life prior to now, whether during my formative years or throughout my twenties, I feel that I would have spent far less time scared, alone, depressed, angry, and self-destructive while hiding in the closet. I would have had far more incentive and validation to celebrate myself and my body.

 

To Fuck with People’s Expectations.

Because, it genuinely makes me giddy to think that somebody has read one of my pieces and seen my pictures and it just completely and utterly shattered their entire binarist belief system about gender and sexuality.

Boom! Fuck your cisnormative expectations! Behold my girl cock and hairy lady balls. You’re welcome.

 

Also, just because I want to.

Yep. Simple as that. I genuinely just want to. Part of the enjoyment of this for me is engaging in some ethical exhibitionism through my blogging [with content warnings explicitly at the beginning of posts with sexually explicit material]. Honestly, I find the thought of friends, peers, and strangers alike looking at my nudes to be super exciting.

And hey, if the allure of nudes draw in curious, or horny, readers and they end up learning something about themselves or about other forms of sexuality, then boners! I mean, bonus!

 

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Why Trans Positive Representation in Porn Matters Too

Just like in any abusive situation, it’s hard to see how bad things are until you see how good they can be. In a lot of ways, that’s how I felt as I began to understand my gender and sexuality, find the courage to come out, and reflect on my time spent in the closet. Because here’s the tragic truth about what kept me from being my true self from the very beginning: I grew up transphobic. We all did. Not because we intentionally wanted to be, or even that we necessarily believed it at all, but because society at large ingrained those transphobic frameworks and myths into everything that we saw, heard, and read. And without having the internet or online communities to support us, that only made our isolation harder.

Film and television was one of the worst influences, often portraying trans people, and their bodies, not as desirable sexual partners but as dangerous “things” that threaten masculinity and heterosexuality. Media often asserted that the absolute most terrifying thing that any cis man could ever experience in a romantic and/or sexual context was realizing that the woman he thought had a vagina actually had a penis.

I certainly remember Jim Carrey and an entire SWAT team of ultra-macho cis men projectile vomiting near the end of Ace Ventura Pet Detective when they discovered that the woman they had all been pining after was tucking back a cock. I also remember an entire bar full of cis dudes bursting into uproarious laughter after Crocodile Dundee sexually assaults a trans woman by grabbing her genitalia and then exclaimed “That was a guy! Guy dressed up like a Sheila! Look at that!”

All of this, and so many more similar depictions, painted a very clear picture for me growing up: everyone believed that trans bodies were gross, scary, and a literal joke. Unfortunately, a lot of these transphobic frameworks extended to the porn I found on the internet too throughout my youth and teenage years. What I found was that the vast majority of any porn featuring trans people was laced in slurs marketing them as “trannys”, “shemales”, and “ladyboys”; all terms that I only ever heard uttered with ridicule and disgust in my day to day life.

These depictions matter because they frame not only how society views people who are gender diverse, but how gender diverse folks view themselves. The negative and degrading portrayals of trans people I saw growing up led to me spending the vast majority of my formative years anxious, depressed, lost, and deeply ashamed of my body, my sexuality, and my gender.

But it doesn’t doesn’t have to be that way. It actually wasn’t until these past couple of years, since coming out as queer and non-binary trans in my community, that I finally started to discover my own self-worth. I finally started to realize that my body wasn’t something to fear, or be disgusted with, and that I was worthy of pleasure and love.

So, in the spirit of hopefully helping somebody else out there struggling with loving themselves in a world that wants us to hate and hide who we are, here are a few resources and some dirty links to help!

 

Further reading right here on Mx Nillin

I’m all about working to create sexy, stimulating, queer and trans focused, sex positive content through celebrating my body and exploring my sexuality as a non-binary, non-monogamous, exhibitionist. I generally strive to write pieces that I wish had existed when I needed them. Hopefully, you may find some of them helpful too:

How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Queer Folk

Just the Tips on Frenulum Stimulation for People With a Penis

Panty Shopping Tips for People With a Penis Who Don’t Tuck

Mx Nillin’s Crash Pad Series Site Review

A Case For Traps, Sissies, Femboys and Crossdressers

How Non-Monogamy Looks to My Partner and I

And if you’re looking for some non-binary trans nudity from an enby person with a penis, then check out my Nudes & Lewds gallery for lots of glorious girl cock, butt stuff, and pet play!

 

Further reading from Other Sources

Of course, there are a lot of other really empowering and uplifting pieces out there for trans folk struggling to see themselves as sexual beings. Here are a few that I found particularly helpful in my searching:

I am a Porn Star Asking the Porn Industry to Stop Using the Term “Shemale”

How Learning About Queer Sex Taught me Self-Love [shameless self-promotion, I wrote this!]

Japanese Cartoon Porn Helped me Understand My Trans Identity

The Radical Potential of Queer Porn

 

Free Nudes and Sex Forums

The following sex blogs and forums offer free pornographic images, video, and/or content submitted by gender diverse folk, and often meant for queer and trans audiences.

Transqueersxxx

GoneWildTrans

TransGoneWild

 

Trans, Non-Binary, Genderqueer, and Gender Nonconforming Pay Porn

If you have a little money available, even a couple of dollars, please consider paying for your porn and supporting gender diverse adult performers and producers. Here are some of my favorite paysites and porn creators selling their work at affordable prices!

Crash Pad Series

Chelsea Poe

Sophie Ladder & Gal Pal Films

Fey Demure

Miss Jadence

Crona Valentine

Ashley Alespia

Punk Trans Queen

The Lust Garden

 

And if you know of any other sex workers, performers, producers, bloggers, or writers that you would recommend others check out, please feel free to share those links in the comments below. Or better yet, are you one of the above and want to promote your own work? Consider sending me a message on Twitter and I’d love to review your content for a future post!

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