How Non-Monogamy Looks to My Partner and I

My partner and I love fucking our friends.

I don’t really know how else to describe it other than just saying that trading nudes with, sexting, masturbating with, or inviting a friend to bed with us is as big a part of our sex life as doing those things with each other is. Not quite as frequent, maybe, but still, super important. Some people get it, most don’t, but ultimately we don’t care. We love it, we love each other, we love our friends, we’re all having fun, and we’re all keeping safe. So, winning!

One of the biggest things that my partner and I have come to realize though is that as much as our boundaries, fantasies, needs, and desires may shift and change with each other, or with our friends, from experience to experience, or even moment to moment, the one consistent is that communication has to be fucking TIGHT.

No, seriously. Like, air-fucking tight. We got this down to a science. My partner and I have verbal cues, hand signals, check-in measures, safewords, and even run a “lights system” of green means go, yellow means slow, and red means NO. We even inform and include our other sexual partners in these measures while also incorporating and adjusting to any of their communication needs as well.

My partner and I at the Taboo Convention 2016.

 

And even with all of that work, all that honesty and trust, it’s not always perfect. Sometimes miscommunications happen, confusing feels pop up, awkwardness ensues, discomforts arise, and boundaries suddenly shift mid-way through. But after everything, we always talk. We talk with each other. We talk with with our lovers. And then we talk some more.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this shit ain’t easy. Sure, it’s a lot of fun, and we enjoy ourselves, but if you and your partner are thinking of exploring non-monogamy you better be talking a LOT. Non-monogamy isn’t the free love explosion of massive house party orgies, gloryhole blowjobs, beach gangbangs, and endless, consequence free orgasms that pop culture and traditionalists and excited newbies alike seem to think it is. I mean, sure, all of those things ARE options if you and your partner(s) want them to be. But what I’m really getting at here is that non-monogamous relationships take just as much listening, communication, honesty, trust, teamwork, and respect, as any monogamous relationship does. In fact, in many cases I’ve found these things to be even MORE amplified in my non-monogamous marriage with my partner than they ever were in past relationships where, admittedly, a lot felt taken for granted.

And yes, all of this is far more complex than a single post can articulate but those discussions on relationship structures, complicated feels, unpacking jealousy, and more, are all bigger conversations for another time. This is just a peek behind our curtains. One that I hope shows you the importance of boundaries and communication in all non-monogamous activity.

So, what exactly does non-monogamy look like to my partner and I? Well, honestly, it’s really hard to pinpoint…

 

 

From Sexting to Sweaty Foursomes: How Boundaries Can Change

Sometimes, non-monogamy for us is casually sexting and trading nudes with our friends [either together or separately]. Sometimes, it’s us just mutually snuggling and making out with a cutie for a couple of hours.

Sometimes, it’s us traveling 6+ hours away for a weekend of sweaty group sex with our lovers; a couple that we’ve been friends with, and sleeping with, for a few years. Let’s call them Leia and Han because I like Star Wars, and so do they, and combining nerd stuff with sexy times is hot as fuck.

Leia and Han are actually pretty important to the story of our growing relationship, evolving desires and needs, and to our overall experience thus far with non-monogamy. Not only were they the first people we had sexual experiences with as a couple, but we also learned a LOT about our boundaries, and how incredibly fluid they really can be, pending on where we are at the time.

Some couples have very hard and strict rules when it comes to the boundaries of their non-monogamy. Common hard boundaries include absolutely no sex with other people unless both partners are present, no kissing other people, no penetrative sex with others, no having regular sex with the same person[s], etc., and my partner and I actually sort of started off much in the same way. We had been flirting with Leia and Han for quite a while, particularly at our wedding, and once sex with them looked like a very real possibility we basically decided that we were not ready for penetrative sex with either of them and we had to be in the same room as each other for any sort of sexy times (including make-outs).

As time went by we eventually realized that a lot of those initial boundaries just weren’t practical all of the time. To really show this, here’s a play by play of the sexual experiences that we’ve had with Leia and Han so far:

 

First Time: Just Leia came to visit us. Everybody stayed mostly dressed while we all made out together, then I watched my partner masturbate under their pyjama pants while Leia straddled them and played with their nipples. Meanwhile, I took pictures to send to Han and played with my girl cock through my underwear until, eventually, Leia suggested that my partner give me a blowjob while she watched us.

Second Time: Both Han and Leia came to visit. We all made out together, this time ALL clothing came off. Han and I fooled around a bunch, rubbed our cocks together and sucked each other off (my cock was the first cock he had ever sucked and the first load he ever swallowed!). Leia and my partner went down on each other, fingered each other, and played with each other’s tits. Then my partner rode my girl cock as Han roughly fucked Leia directly beside us. Leia also wanted to fulfill her long-held fantasy of being spitroasted so she sucked my girl cock while Han fucked her from behind.

Depiction of a ‘spit roast’ on the rim of an Attic red-figure kylix, c. 510 BC.

Third Time: We completely dropped the “no penetrative sex” with Leia and Han rule. Leia and I made-out and played with each other as we watched Han fuck my partner for a little while, then Leia climbed on top of me and rode me. Finally, Leia laid between us all and toyed herself to orgasm as we kissed, licked, and caressed her body.

Fourth Time: Just Leia came to visit again. She joined my partner and I in bed a couple of times but no penetrative sex occurred at all. First she ate my partner out and stroked my girl cock for a while, then my partner sat on my face for me to eat them out while Leia sucked me off and swallowed. Finally, Leia got out her favorite toy and brought herself to orgasm as my partner and I played her tits.

Fifth Time: Just Leia visited again, though nothing happened at all due to my partner struggling with some stress and anxiety and expressing a need for no sexual activity; which Leia and I respected.

Sixth Time: My partner and I traveled over 6 hours to visit Leia and Han. The first night, Han came into bed with us and fingered my partner during a rainstorm while I masturbated beside them, but Leia didn’t get involved because her back was very sore. The second night all 4 of us came together for a group sex pile in Leia and Han’s bed. Leia and I made out while I teased her pussy, then I gently fucked her (sore back, remember?) while Han roughly fucked my partner a few feet away.

 

And that’s just a look at our relationship with Han and Leia. Don’t even get me started on how much fun we have online with our friends and strangers through sexting and sending nudes. Or masturbating with friends. Or any of the other freaky naughty things we get up to. Hell, almost all the pics in my nudes gallery here on this blog were actually taken by my partner with the intent of me sharing them with others!

In don’t really know how our sex lives will look a year from now, let alone a week from now, but I am completely confident that my partner and I will continue to explore pleasure together with consent, honesty, respect, and consideration for each other, and our lovers, in mind.

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A Case for Traps, Sissies, Femboys, and Crossdressers

You know, as much as I recognize that trans people get a lot of shit, nothing frustrate me more than when trans folk blame each other, or traps, crossdressers, femboys, and sissies for the shitty behaviors of ignorant and abusive cis people.

I’ve heard it all over the years, and sadly continue to hear it regularly: “But crossdressers give us trans folk a bad name!”, “Traps make us look like we’re sexual deviants!”, “non-binary people are just confused and broken”, and blah blah blah…

It’s bullshit and it’s scapegoating. For some, it’s just easier to just say “well I’m not like THOSE people”. It’s easier to side with the majority and hopefully gain enough favor to see that your own needs are eventually met. Just look at Cailtyn Jenner… she’s got selling-out down to a fucking art.

And none of this is new. Minority groups do it all the time. The gay & lesbian community often threw trans people and bisexual folk under the bus too as they worked to prove their legitimacy and validity to the heterosexual majority. Essentially, if you’re not gay or straight, man or woman, even the greater LGBTQ community tends to find you a threat to their own existence in the eyes of society.  Therefore, you must be cast aside for “the greater good” of even your LGBT peers.

And to a point, I get it. We’re all trying to survive in a world that oftentimes irrationally hates and fears everything that isn’t white, cisgender, heterosexual, and male. But I’m not going to be the kind of person who undermines or denigrates other vulnerable groups by playing into the ignorance of the majority and pandering to oppressive systems or social mores. Personally, I find this inexcusable and have no intentions on scapegoating other queers, or kinky peeps, for my own sake, and I certainly have no intention on trying to live to the expectations of the cis or other binary trans folk in order to be accepted.

I’m a non-binary trans, queer as fuck, non-monogamous, exhibitionist slut with hairy tits and a girl cock who loves group sex, anal, pet play, masturbation, and cum eating. Get over it. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like it.

And I DO NOT blame any other trans people, or femboys, sissies, crossdressers, or trap, for the threats, intimidation, or bullying I get. Nope, that’s shitty, ignorant cishets being shitty and ignorant.

Now, for those of you here to learn something, let’s go over some terms!

 

Trans: a broad term that generally describes somebody whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with the gender that they were assigned at birth.

 

Non-binary: also sometimes interchanged with “genderqueer”, is an extremely broad term for people whose gender identities are not exclusively masculine or feminine, man or women. This can include having a mix of gender identities, moving between gender identities, having a gender identity that exists outside of the binary[some times known as being of a “third gender“], or having no gender identity at all.

 

Cisgender: somebody whose sense of personal identity and gender remains consistent with the binary gender that they were assigned at birth.

 

Crossdresser: a person who dresses in the clothing and accessories socially attributed to another sex.

 

Sissy: [aka. Sissification, feminization] a BDSM practice during which the gender of a submissive cis dude is switched, either willingly or by [consensual] force, to that of a woman. This typically involves various degrees of crossdressing where the sub is instructed to wear heels, or a corset, or a skirt/mini-shorts, make-up, women’s lingerie, or even full costumes like a sexy maid outfit.

 

Femboy: a boy whose mannerisms, behaviors, and attire blur, or outright challenge, the lines of social expectations for masculinity and femininity.

 

Trap: often considered a derogatory word when directed at trans folk because it assumes that all trans people have a penis and being a fem person with a penis is undesirable or somehow a threat to the masculinity of cis dudes. The word has since been reclaimed in many circles to describe predominantly cis men who occasionally crossdresses and convincingly pass as cis women. Likewise, there are also plenty of trans people who have reclaimed the word for themselves and proudly identify as traps.

 

If you’re looking for tips, pics, and a sense of community you may find that on the Reddit forums for /r/FemBoys or /r/Traps. Both are NSFW. There are also a LOT of Tumblr blogs floating around, as well as assorted forums, groups, and Facebook pages all with varying types of experiences and people. I highly recommend making some basic google searches and doing some general browsing to find the right fit for you.

As for pornography, if you liked the two pieces of trap and sissy sex art featured in the post, I highly recommend that you treat yourself to more from InCase. At the very least, check out his Art Blog and Reddit forum at /r/Incase. For some incredibly hot sex comics featuring traps, crossdressers, sissies, and futas, you should definitely give Talking Dirty, Spicing Things Up, My Debut, and Hella Trap a read.

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Closets, Sex, and Closet Sex

My heart pounded in my chest as he leaned past me to close his closet door. We sat on our bent legs, facing each other, so that our eyes were level. He was excited, and so was I.

“You be the girl, okay?” he said.

I felt his hands slide around my waist, pulling both himself and me forward so that we were sitting upright on our knees.

“Okay.” I said, just as our bodies touched and his lips pressed against mine.

I closed my eyes. His grip tightened around my waist. My arms moved on their own, instinctively draping over his shoulders. Both of us shuddered. A mix of nervousness and excitement washed over me as I melted against him.


 

Looking back on it, I think that it is hilarious that one of the most defining queer moments of my life literally happened IN a closet.

*Ben [name has been changed to protect identity] was my childhood friend. We spent a lot of time together and though I can never quite remember the exact timeline of our experimentation with each other, the details of that closet kiss have really stuck with me to this day.

I recently wrote a piece for the Crash Pad Series blog called “How Learning About Queer Sex Taught Me Self-Love“, which allowed me the opportunity to think back to my friendship with Ben and reflect a little bit on the significance of my experiences with him. How I felt when he kissed me, when he held me, when he touched me, shattered my little, uninformed universe.

And the years that followed were pretty intense.

There were the years of secretly dressing in femme clothes, terrified of somebody finding out and confused about why I felt so amazing when I put them on. The years of frustration and overwhelming anxiety while crushing on classmates of all genders. The years of sneaking out of my house to suck a stranger’s cock in their car, completely ignorant to the dangers of those random hook-ups. The years of deeply destructive self-hatred and shame, that nearly destroyed me completely. And, most recently, the year’s of healing, acceptance, understanding, and devoting myself to practicing self-love.

Today, I am out as a mega-queer, non-monogamous, andro-babe who is looking at starting hormone replacement therapy in the very near future and is currently on track to begin a career in the field of sex education and blogging.

Did Ben identify as queer? Did he ever come out? Were his experiences with me as transformative as my experiences with him were? Did he experiment with more people with penises after me? Was I his first in a long string of queer sex encounters and love affairs? Did he ever talk about me to new romantic or sexual partners?

Did he struggle with his gender too?

Who is he today?

I was curious. So, a couple of days ago I looked him up on Facebook; which was a little difficult because he has one of those names that a lot of people have with ever so slightly different spelling variations. But I knew I had the right person as soon as I saw his face.

It was his eyes; and that grin. Both were exactly as I had remembered.

It didn’t take me long scrolling through his wall though to see just how different our experiences were. In fact, aside form a mutual interest in comic books we really didn’t have anything in common. But he looked fulfilled, and that was pretty awesome to see.

So, that’s it really. Sometimes you don’t get the answers you’re looking for because in the end they’re just not necessary. I didn’t need to know what I meant to him, or the details of his life’s journey. What happened between us happened, but he’s not obligated to feel the same way about it that I do. Maybe I was just an experience for him. A distant and hazy memory of radical self-exploration.

Whatever he remembers, or doesn’t, it’s all good. He looks happy.


 

Ben, you’ll probably never see this (especially since you never knew me as Nillin), but thank you for the memorable sleepovers and make-out practice. Glad to see that you’re still a lifetime Ninja Turtles fan. I am too.

Love, Nillin

NOTE: Thursday updates will be re-posts from mxnillin.wordpress.com, which was permanently suspended by WordPress for due to their anti-porn and anti-sex work policies. This post was originally published on August 30, 2016. Please read the announcement post to learn more.

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