Closets, Sex, and Closet Sex

My heart pounded in my chest as he leaned past me to close his closet door. We sat on our bent legs, facing each other, so that our eyes were level. He was excited, and so was I.

“You be the girl, okay?” he said.

I felt his hands slide around my waist, pulling both himself and me forward so that we were sitting upright on our knees.

“Okay.” I said, just as our bodies touched and his lips pressed against mine.

I closed my eyes. His grip tightened around my waist. My arms moved on their own, instinctively draping over his shoulders. Both of us shuddered. A mix of nervousness and excitement washed over me as I melted against him.


Looking back on it, I think that it is hilarious that one of the most defining queer moments of my life literally happened IN a closet.

*Ben [name has been changed to protect identity] was my childhood friend. We spent a lot of time together and though I can never quite remember the exact timeline of our experimentation with each other, the details of that closet kiss have really stuck with me to this day.

I recently wrote a piece for the Crash Pad Series blog called “How Learning About Queer Sex Taught Me Self-Love“, which allowed me the opportunity to think back to my friendship with Ben and reflect a little bit on the significance of my experiences with him. How I felt when he kissed me, when he held me, when he touched me, shattered my little, uninformed universe.

And the years that followed were pretty intense.

There were the years of secretly dressing in femme clothes, terrified of somebody finding out and confused about why I felt so amazing when I put them on. The years of frustration and overwhelming anxiety while crushing on classmates of all genders. The years of sneaking out of my house to suck a stranger’s cock in their car, completely ignorant to the dangers of those random hook-ups. The years of deeply destructive self-hatred and shame, that nearly destroyed me completely. And, most recently, the year’s of healing, acceptance, understanding, and devoting myself to practicing self-love.

Today, I am out as a mega-queer, non-monogamous, andro-babe who is looking at starting hormone replacement therapy in the very near future and is currently on track to begin a career in the field of sex education and blogging.

Did Ben identify as queer? Did he ever come out? Were his experiences with me as transformative as my experiences with him were? Did he experiment with more people with penises after me? Was I his first in a long string of queer sex encounters and love affairs? Did he ever talk about me to new romantic or sexual partners?

Did he struggle with his gender too?

Who is he today?

I was curious. So, a couple of days ago I looked him up on Facebook; which was a little difficult because he has one of those names that a lot of people have with ever so slightly different spelling variations. But I knew I had the right person as soon as I saw his face.

It was his eyes; and that grin. Both were exactly as I had remembered.

It didn’t take me long scrolling through his wall though to see just how different our experiences were. In fact, aside form a mutual interest in comic books we really didn’t have anything in common. But he looked fulfilled, and that was pretty awesome to see.

So, that’s it really. Sometimes you don’t get the answers you’re looking for because in the end they’re just not necessary. I didn’t need to know what I meant to him, or the details of his life’s journey. What happened between us happened, but he’s not obligated to feel the same way about it that I do. Maybe I was just an experience for him. A distant and hazy memory of radical self-exploration.

Whatever he remembers, or doesn’t, it’s all good. He looks happy.


Ben, you’ll probably never see this (especially since you never knew me as Nillin), but thank you for the memorable sleepovers and make-out practice. Glad to see that you’re still a lifetime Ninja Turtles fan. I am too.

Love, Nillin

NOTE: Thursday updates will be re-posts from, which was permanently suspended by WordPress for due to their anti-porn and anti-sex work policies. This post was originally published on August 30, 2016. Please read the announcement post to learn more.

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My Fucket List: The Sex I Want in 2017

2016 was a pretty big year for sexual experiences. I traded a bunch of nudes with quite a few different friends, was seen naked by a LOT of people online (booya!), had some pretty great public sex, did my first ever cum tribute to a big crush of mine, sucked some FANTASTIC girl cock, and enjoyed quite a few great threesomes and foursomes with my partner and our sexy friends.

But there is still so much more I want to do. Here are 6 things from my sexual bucket list, which I call a Fucket List (hahhhhh, get it?), that I REALLY hope happen in 2017!


  • Have somebody take a POV pic of me sucking their cock

Confession: some of the sex pics that turn me on the most are those POV ones of somebody sucking cock. Seriously. They’re fucking hot and this is the year I want somebody to take a sexy and cute picture of me sucking their cock!


  • Take my first legit facial-selfie

On that note, I can pound this one out right afterward! Once upon a time [last year] I ejaculated on my own face and took some selfies of the aftermath. Admittedly, they turned out SUPER cute [still have all of those photos], but it just didn’t feel as good as I had hoped. I want an real facial selfie… like, with another person’s semen coating my mouth, chin, and cheeks as I make lust eyes at the camera. So, at some point in 2017 I want to suck cock, get that person to take a snap of me with their genitals in my mouth, then jerk them off all over my face, and snap the cutest selfie I can for my Twitter followers.

This WILL happen.


  • Do a cam show

I’ve masturbated with, and for, partners over video chat before but doing a cam show is a whole other thing. At some point this year I’m hoping to set up an account on a queer and trans friendly site and put on a show for a bunch of strangers, maybe make a little money while doing it too!



  • Go to, or host, a masturbation party!

I love masturbating, especially mutual masturbation. Be it with my partner, with a friend, or with my partner AND a friend, mutual masturbating is awesome. But a masturbation party… that’s next level; and it’s something I’ve loooong fantasized about. I’m really hoping to make 2017 the year I get to one. If I can’t find something that is queer and trans safe and inclusive then I may have to take things into my own hands… and organize it myself. Invite some select queer friends to come over and hang out, eat some snacks, listen to some music, talk about self-pleasure, maybe watch some queer porn, and all masturbate together! You know, as friends do!


  • Get Spitroasted

For those not in the know, a “spitroast” occurs when somebody is penetrated from behind while they simultaneously provide oral sex to another person. Typically, this tends to involve penises penetrating and receiving oral BUT, despite what the internet says, those rules are not mandatory.

Whether you are giving oral to a penis or a vagina, or you’re penetrated by somebody’s genitalia, fingers, fist, or a toy, you can define the “spitroast” however you like so that it works for you and your partner[s].

Personally, I fantasize about this happening with my partner penetrating me from behind with their strap-on while I pleasure one of our friends. Fingers crossed!


  • More social nudity!

Not necessarily sex related at all, I kinda just want to do a bunch more nudist socializing stuff in general next year. Like, clothing optional games nights, movie nights, meals, whatevs. Have some friends over, watch Netflix, be pantsless. Perfect.


Whats on sexual experiences do you hope to have or explore in 2017?

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My Favorite Sexy Selfies and NSFW Pics of 2016!

Putting this quick post together because I was feeling inspired by the positive self-talk on display in Kate Sloan’s “7 Bangin’ Selfies” post; as part of her annual 12 Days of Girly Juice feature.  This year was pretty revolutionary for me in terms of becoming more body positive and sex positive toward myself, especially considering how intense social stigmatization and transphobia really influenced my dysphoria and general depression over these past 12-months. There were some really tough spots following experiences of public harassment, from the group of teens following me around Walmart laughing and taking photos of me, to the dude who cornered me outside my bank and told me to get out of town “or else”, or the bros who called me a tranny and threw a bottle at me from their car.

But I’m hot as fuck. So, here are 10-ish of my favorite sexy selfies, and NSFW pics taken by my partner, from 2016!

NOTE: There are super NSFW pics of my fully exposed girl cock below.


#1 – Very rarely do I take full body selfies in my underwear, but I was pretty determined to get one of me that I liked. With a long mirror and selfie stick in hand, I ultimately spent nearly 3 hours snapping countless pics because my negative self-talk kept me feeling that they were all ugly. That I was ugly. But there came a breakthrough moment near the end when I was staring at myself in the mirror and I began thinking of all the complementary things that my partner, and others, have said about my body… and I started to see that too! These were the final two pictures that I took that evening, and I look fucking amazing!


#2 – Okay, so the last one and this one are kinda cheating because they are technically two pictures cut & pasted side-by-side, but this is my post so whatever! These were actually taken for a post on my original WordPress blog on coming out of the closet, sex, and having sex in closets; all framed by my first sexual experiences with my childhood friend while growing up. I absolutely LOVED how my figure and ass looked in these, and the rainbow flag right in front of me really pulls it all together, I think. That booty though…


#3 – “Wait, Nillin! This one isn’t a ‘sexy’ pic!” Uhhhh, YES it is! This was the first time EVER that I left my house in a crop top. I didn’t stay outside for long, maybe 20 minutes, and we didn’t walk too far away from home but I’m proud of myself for facing my fears and doing it. If you want to wear a crop top, do it! You don’t need to have a specific weight or “body type” to “pull it off”. You don’t need to be femme or “passing”. Anyone can wear crop tops and look banging!

Also, check out the epic moose knuckle my girl cock is making. You’re welcome, readers!


#4 – If you’ve been following me for a while then you’ve seen this one a few times and you know exactly why it made this list. I mean, come on. I would tap that ass, and it’s mine. Unnfff!


#5 – The quality may not be the best but I REALLY love how my bra and tits look in these. Plus the cute hair and playful gaze? Hells yea, my sexy-selfie game was on point here!


#6 – “Wait, Nillin! This one isn’t a sexy or nude pic either!!!” Well, that’s just, like, your opinion, dude. Cause this pic of my partner and I is next level sexy as far as I’m concerned. It’s actually one of the first selfies we took together for 2016 and I love how cute and hella queer we look together. Love you, hun!


#7 – One of the biggest things I tried to do with pics of my girl cock this year was to feminize it. What’s so wrong with wanting my cock to be pretty?? NOTHIN’! That’s what. So, whether it be from wearing some nail polish, wrapping it in a cute bow, or just giving a peek of my penis from under a lacy dress, I wanted my girl cock pics to be more than some lazy close-up of a penis. Here were some of my faves, just snapped in the tub while I was taking a soak. I love the subtle gender-fuckery going on with the shaved legs and painted nails framing my penis.



#8 – Second favorite girl cock pic of the year goes to this double set. I love taking “dick pics” where I’m just lifting skirts and dresses to tease and expose myself. It feels fun and flirty and subversive all at once. These two just turned out so damn great. I love the colors of my pink panties and green skirt. I love the way my erection looks in those panties with the little black bow on the waistband. They’re just so damn queer and that’s honestly what I strive for when taking naughty selfies!


#9 – These are actually from this past Sunday! I got a new tail, ears, and collar set so my partner took some hot POV photos of my partner pulling my hair and playing with my ass. We were pretty stoked with how these turned out. After a bunch of teasing photos they took a few shots of me playing with myself then instructed me to cum in front of them like a good, obedient little pet. I was fucking hot! LOL

Now we have a whole bunch of ideas on how to take this POV style sexy shoot to the next level with more pet play.

Did you take many sexy selfies or nudes this year?

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