Ask Mx Nillin: Let’s Talk Organizing a Gang Bang!

Thank you for reading Ask Mx Nillin, a new blog feature that allows readers to anonymously submit questions as prompts for discussion. Today’s prompt comes from an individual seeking advice for how they can safely plan a gang bang for themselves, with help from their partner.


I have a kink for exhibitionism and group sex.

I have a long-standing fantasy about being in the center of a group sex situation and having several males surrounding me, taking turns having vaginal and oral sex with me while others masturbate.

My partner and I have discussed making this happen, but I’m scared of trying to find people.

We might know one or two we could ask, but I know from experience opening a conversation about wanting to have a sex activity that is essentially a gang bang brings out the creeps fast.

Any help?


 

Firstly, nice! That’s a great fantasy, and it’s one that is actually far more common than people realize. It has actually been on my Fucket List (my sexual bucket list) for ages.

As you’ve already discovered though, organizing a gang bang or group sex scenario can be quite stressful, intimidating, and takes a lot more work when you want to ensure that you feel as safe as possible during the act.

A lot of gang bang hosting guides suggest that people choose a location and put ads out on Craigslist, Kijiji, kink/fetish message boards, etc. [NOTE: I do NOT recommend this.] The logic ascribed to here is that it focuses on getting the maximum amount of strangers possible out to have sex with you. It’s also the primary method depicted in a relatively new sub-genre of pornography called “dogging”.

For those who don’t know, dogging is a British slang term for public group sex that has become increasingly more popular in North America. In porn, dogging typically involves a cisgender woman putting gang bang ads online before the camera operator (who is often claimed to be her husband or boyfriend) then drives her out to a predetermined, semi-public parking lot or a country park. Once they arrive, there is usually a crowd of anywhere from 5 to 10 cisgender men anxiously waiting to have oral and penetrative sex with her while others watch and play with themselves.

I’ll admit that it’s a very exciting fantasy and the videos are pretty dam hot. You got the group sex, the masturbating voyeurs, your partner filming you, AND the public sex aspect! That being said, pornography is not a true, reflection of real life sex and the vast majority of those dogging videos are actually staged to some degree with more planning than is let on. So, while the fantasy of a gang bang with complete strangers is certainly exciting, placing online ads and setting up dogging excursions do come with the potential for significant risk.

Not only would you not know the sexual history of those who show up, or whether they would use protection, thus placing you at heightened risk for contracting an STI, but there is also no way of determining whether or not participants are going to pose a threat of violence or grievous bodily harm to you.

On top of this, gang bangs and dogging events with call outs to random strangers tend to draw out participants with VERY different assumptions of what kind of sex they are going to have with you. You may be going there with the expectation that everyone is going to wear protection and only penetrate you orally or vaginally, because that’s what you placed in your ad. However, there’s no way of actually knowing how those who show up heard about the gang bang in the first place. In fact, some may not have even seen the ad at all, rather, they heard about it through word of mouth. That does pose a very real risk for mob mentality non-consensual sexual violence.

Overall, I would personally encourage you to instead choose a safe environment (such as your home or apartment) and invite individuals that you know, even if only by acquaintance. By inviting people who are familiar to you in some way, such as friends, coworkers, neighbors, other couples, or acquaintances, you decrease the likelihood of various risks. There’s higher accountability from participants, communication will be much stronger, and boundaries are far more likely to be expressed and respected by all involved. Further, with your partner and yourself acting as hosts, you both also retain a degree of control over the overall event and can ensure that everybody feels secure to the best of your ability.

I can't use copyrighted group sex pictures from adult videos, so, my partner arranged these dinosaur plushies to gang bang a unicorn plushie. Thanks, hun!
I can’t use copyrighted group sex pictures from adult videos, so, my partner arranged these dinosaur plushies to gang bang a unicorn plushie. Thanks, hun!

So, I think that you are already on the right track with talking to your partner and coming up with a couple of people who you would feel comfortable with; and who you feel are most likely to consider the invitation. While it’s certainly scary to put yourself out there to somebody about anything related to sex, especially a gangbang, I can confidently say that you’d actually be surprised at how many people you know would likely be very interested in the opportunity to participate in a group sex or gangbang situation with you.

While we have a tendency to think that our friends, as well as the people that we interact with semi-frequently, are not kinky and would never engage in those activities, reality is that you never know what sexual needs and desires those around you are just waiting for the chance to explore!

For all you know, right now numerous individuals around you share these exact same kinks and desires, or just a voracious sexual appetite in general. Your quiet friend, who you think is very reserved, may actually love the prospect of rough sex and BDSM play. That soft-spoken co-worker, who you think would never do anything kinky, may actually already be going to glory holes on the weekend to give oral sex to an army of cocks. That couple you and your partner are friends with, who you both think are so madly in love with each other that they would never consider a threesome or foursome, may actually already be attending swinging parties or have fuck buddies that visit them a couple times each month.

But in a sex shaming society such as ours all of these people are likely just as scared to put themselves out there as you are. So, you’ll never know unless you ask.

Also, keep in mind that as much as a large gang bang may be appealing, the thrill of even just having three or four people having sex with you, or masturbating as they watch, is likely to be a pretty thrilling experience too.

Now, the more planning that you put into how the gang bang will operate, before you invite specific people, the higher the chances will be that a potential guest will be interested in participating. If you show that a lot of thought, consideration, and planning has gone into this, from both yourself and your partner, those you invite are more likely to feel comfortable and confident in this being a safe . Here are some things to consider, other than the “where” and “when”, before those invites go out:

  • What rules and boundaries will there be? (ie; no drugs, no alcohol, no hitting, no anal, etc.)
  • Are some of your potential guests LGBTQ+ and if so, will this gathering be inclusive and safe for them? [NOTE: please don’t invite your queer friends to heteronormative play parties with potentially homophobic or transphobic people.]
  • Is BDSM (rope play, spanking, choking, rough sex, etc.) planned to be a part of the gang bang? [NOTE: if so, understand that some may be super into this, but for others it could be a deal breaker.]
  • Will there be a universal safeword for anybody to use should they feel uncomfortable or unsafe with what is happening (and will said safeword actually be respected)?
  • Will you be providing protection (condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, etc.) and will safe toy usage be observed (no sharing of sex toys without condoms, or, no sharing of sex toys at all)?
  • Will the privacy of individuals during the gang bang be respected (closed blinds, no cameras, etc.) and will confidentiality after the gathering be observed (no naming people to others if you talk about it)?
  • Will there be socialization and/or entertainment to help relax everyone prior to the gang bang?
  • Will you be providing food and beverages?
  • And much more…

Essentially, the more information you can provide to those you invite, the better.

Fun fact: gang bangs, orgies, group sex, threeseomes, foursomes, etc. were quite commonplace in many ancient cultures; preserved art, sculptures, tapestries, and more, give us a glimpse into historical sexual practices. (Pictured - erotic carvings at Kandariya Mahadeva Temple built circa 1030).
Fun fact: gang bangs, orgies, group sex, threeseomes, foursomes, etc. were quite commonplace in many ancient cultures; preserved art, sculptures, tapestries, and more, give us a glimpse into historical sexual practices. (Pictured – erotic carvings at Kandariya Mahadeva Temple built circa 1030).

Please also be sure to look after yourself during this planning and to ensure that your partner is doing the same. While there are certainly some cases where the thrill of suddenly having aggressive sex with strangers can be an exciting experience, gang bangs without proper planning and safety protocols can equally turn into forced sex with unwanted participants and intimidation tactics. [NOTE: if you are uncomfortable, scared, feel threatened or intimidated to engage in sex with people you don’t want to, then it is not a gang bang… it is sexual assault.]

That’s why it is IMPERATIVE for you to be deeply involved in the planning of your own gang bang, or for it to involve people that you trust with your well being, even as they are roughly fucking you. I mean, it will be you who is at the center of that act, therefore, you should be in control and have the most say in how it happens.

In fact, it should really be you who ultimately plans the whole thing, with your partner supporting you through that process while simultaneously working to ensure your safety as well.

Of course, it is also important to respect your partner in all of this as well. After all, you are in a relationship together and they will be involved in the gang bang too (whether participating or observing). So, if your partner is uncomfortable with certain acts, or certain guests, then I strongly encourage you to be considerate of that.

I understand that this might seem overwhelming, and I don’t mean for any of it to outright discourage you. It takes work, but when done thoughtfully, safely, and considerately of those involved, these experiences have the potential to be incredibly rewarding and thrilling for everyone.

Best of luck to you both in seeing this fantasy fulfilled!

Love and kisses!

Mx Nillin

 


The advice offered in Ask Mx Nillin posts are intended for informational purposes only. Use of this feature is NOT intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional services. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this piece are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This piece, its author, Mx Nillin, and this blog, www.mxnillin.worpdpress.com, are NOT responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for y

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Dear, Canadian Blood Services: Your Donor Policies are Transphobic, Homophobic, and Inhumane

I am impure. I am tainted. I am dangerous.

At least according to Canadian Blood Services, I am. Over the course of this past week, they have excitedly announced “groundbreaking” changes to their intake of blood from gay men; which now requires them to only abstain from any sex with other men for at least 1 year (down from 5-years). While this remains a thoroughly homophobic and blatantly discriminatory policy, I recently discovered that the “changes” are also systematically transphobic as well.

How, you ask?

In a statement made to Buzzfeed Canada, Canadian Blood Services pulled no punches at all when they acknowledged that they have every intention to knowingly, and methodically, misgender ALL trans people living in Canada based upon the sex that they were assigned-at-birth.  The statement says: “Trans* donors who have not had gender-affirming genital surgery will be screened by their assigned birth sex. We recognize their assigned birth sex may be different than the gender with which they identify.”

So, hey, they recognize that trans people identify as a different gender than the one that society decided they should have. They just don’t really care. To them, you are your assigned birth sex, and that’s that.

That’s transphobia 101, folks.

Additionally, should a trans individual have a penis and find themselves in a relationship with somebody else who happens to have a penis, even if said trans person is a women then they are subject to the “men who have sex with men” clause. UNLESS they have had, or soon get, gender confirmation surgery AND they wait an obligatory 1-year period after said surgery.

Presumably, because Canadian Blood Services believes that trans blood belonging to somebody who has a penis will somehow magically meets their discriminatory criteria for acceptance only after their genitalia has been removed and it has been exactly 1-year since that surgery. Because… logic? I guess. This includes “all transgender, non-binary and gender non-conforming identities.”

On his blog, Journey to James, advocate and author James Gardner explains what he had learned of the policy back in 2015:

“The edict, titled Credit Criteria, Procedure Number: CS01200v begins by categorizing transgender and transsexual donors separately.  Transgender donors are described as, “identifying as opposite of birth gender, have not had gender reassignment surgery, and present documents that may reflect opposite gender.”  Transsexual donors are those who have had “gender reassignment surgery (GRS)—genitalia consistent with gender they identify with.” They also must present documents that reflect gender reassignment.”

Canadian Blood Services Discriminates Against Trans Canadians

WTF seriously

Under this edict, “transsexual” donors can give blood so long as they have all of the proper  documentation proving that they have medically, surgically, and legally transitioned from one binary gender to the other. Because, again, apparently gender confirmation surgery is what makes your blood low-risk and desirable. Transgender donors… that’s a whole other game for Canadian Blood Services.

To summarize here, because this is so mind-numbingly awful that I’ve had to break it down over and over again: Canadian Blood Services is flat-out going to actively misgender you based upon your sex-assigned-at-birth and surgical status. I’m sure that all trans men, and gender diverse individuals assigned female-at-birth, will also be subjected to this crap. But, if you happen to be a trans woman, or a gender diverse individual, who has/had a penis and is in, or has been in, a relationship with somebody else who has/had a penis, then Canadian Blood Services is not only going to misgender you… they are also going to explicitly assume that you are actually a gay man who is obviously having sex with men.

“Wait, hold on, Nillin! I changed the sex designation on my government issued ID,” I hear you say.

Congratulations!

Doesn’t matter, though.

Even if you are one of the lucky ones to live in a province that now allows you to change the sex designation on your photo ID without being required to undergo gender confirmation surgery, if a Canadian Blood Services worker suspects that you are transgender (ie; the sex on your ID and health cards don’t match) then you’re hooped. “Get out. We don’t want your blood.” Plain and simple: on top of all the ID changes, you HAVE to have the paperwork showing you have had gender confirmation surgery.

According to the National Press, Dr. Mindy Goldman insists that “for trans people who only have female partners, it will likely be a moot point.” That is to say, that if you are only with people who have vaginas then, apparently, you’re good.

But I call bullshit. We’ve all been down this road many, many times before. The whole gender policing thing has been going on for generations and right now it’s at its most dangerous and violent with all the trans panic in public washrooms.

I mean, lets be honest here… Canadian Blood Services essentially utilizes the Bathroom Bill equivalent of blood donor policies. Do you really think that staff isn’t going to make wildly subjective assumptions based upon how they perceive your sex? Because I’m positive that they will. In fact, I have heard/read countless experiences of them already doing so.

This makes me FURIOUS and it should make you feel furious too.

This is illogical, this is ignorant, this is discriminatory, this is stereotyping, this is homophobic, this is transphobic, and, frankly, this is inhumane.

I condemn this policy, completely.

There is nothing to celebrate here and with the Federal Liberal government fast tracking long overdue basic human rights and protections for trans Canadians, I expect… no, I DEMAND that Canadian Blood Services totally removes ALL discriminatory policies toward gender and sexually diverse donors.

I am tired of our involvement with society and our everyday lives coming with ignorant, prejudiced, disparaging, fear-based conditions, policies, and “rules”.

I am tired of being treated as impure, as tainted, as immoral, as less than everyone else.

We are NOT these things.

We are NOT inherently dangerous.

We deserve wayyyyyy better than this.

 

P.S. Don’t think that I don’t see you too, Health Canada. Educate yourselves and get your shit together.

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Treat Yourself: 6 Things You Can Do This May for Masturbation Month

Whether you’re doing it because you’re really horny, or to relieve stress, or maybe just because you’re super bored, masturbation is pretty damn awesome. In fact, it’s so awesome that almost everybody does it AND I’m willing to bet that if you live in a moderately sized city then at absolutely any point in time throughout the day there is likely somebody, somewhere within your vicinity, who is masturbating.

Whether they’re in their 5th floor apartment, in a house a couple of doors down from you, sitting at their desk in their office, or quietly playing in a bathroom stall, it’s highly likely that self-pleasure is happening within just a couple of blocks of you at this very moment.

Let that sink in for a second.

Spider-Man Bates Too

Yet masturbation still remains this thing that we at best don’t talk about, and at worse actively shame, especially in regards to women.

What better time to challenge and question that stigma, while simultaneously enjoying yourself, than this month… which happens to be Masturbation Month!

Though we’re already 12-days in, it’s never too late to join the fun. Here are six things that I’ve been doing, and that I’d encourage you to consider doing too, throughout the rest of May for Masturbation Month:

 

1. Post and talk about it!

A bunch! Ask your Facebook friends what their favorite way to masturbate is, ask about advice for sex toys, talk about why you like to masturbate, share a masturbation story you may not have told anybody yet, and ask others to contribute as well. Or, as you’ll see below, just say that you’re going to be masturbating and see where the conversation goes.

Bating Post

Could just get some healthy chuckles for the super honesty of your statement, or launch a full discussion on any number of topics related to self-pleasure!

 

2. Don’t make excuses about it!

I don’t know about any of you but a substantial amount of the times that I am late for a party, or meeting up with some friends, it’s because I was jerking off before I left. As somebody with a lot of social anxiety, and just anxiety in general, masturbating actually really helps me chill out before I go out to socialize.

Usually, if somebody says something about me being late I’ll make up an excuse like “oh I got a phone call that I had to take”, or “I couldn’t find my car keys”, or “yeah I got stuck behind a really slow driver”, and blah blah blah. But not this month!

This month, if I’m late because I was stroking myself to orgasm, then that’s exactly what I’m going to say. For example:

Friend: “What took you so long!?”

Me: “I was bating!”

BOOM! Simple. Honest. And, who knows, maybe it will start a really great conversation with your friend(s) about how totally ordinary, relaxing, and wonderful self-pleasure can be.

 

3. Try a bunch of new things; or, do a bunch of the stuff you like!

There are endless amounts of masturbation techniques out there on blogs and websites. All it takes is a simple Google search and you’ll have TONS of fun things to try out.

Personally, I’ve made a Masturbatory To Do List for the month; a list of 15 things that I want to do including:

  • Mutually masturbate with my partner (we do this lots already but hey, I’ll take any excuse to do it more!)
  • Edge myself for at least 30-minutes before cumming.
  • Try and attain a hands-free (no jerking) prostate orgasm.
  • Give myself a facial! (I’ve actually never gotten a facial from somebody else before, but I do love cumming on myself)
  • Spend the entirety of one of my days off naked; masturbating or playing with myself as much as I want to.

… and more!

 

4. If you can afford it, buy some new toys or get a porn site membership!

I recently picked up a fleshlight and have been enjoying it IMMENSELY.

If you do end up buying something for yourself, please also consider writing a review about it and posting that to your Facebook page, Tumblr, or any blogs that you may have!

As for porn site memberships, might I suggest the incredibly sexy and super queer positive content such as The Crash Pad Series. Yes, there is a lot of free porn out there, however, when it comes to queer positive, trans and gender diverse positive, body positive, kink positive, hot-as-fuck porn content I can honestly say there is nothing like Crash Pad Series out there.

 

5. Mutually masturbate with somebody!

Seriously, I strongly feel that we do not give enough credit or attention to how great mutual masturbation is. Over the years I’ve masturbated with a lot of people: partners, friends, hookups, and even with complete strangers on webcam. I’ve even masturbated with combinations of the aforementioned!

If you have a partner, mutually masturbating together can not only be fun, it can also help you both communicate your desires better and explore ideas for your sex life. Generally, it allows you both to talk about what makes you feel good, teach each other how to find your pleasure zones, explore some dirty talk, share your fantasies, and share what pornography you like to enjoy. Plus, you can tie in some kink play if you`d like through setting rules and giving directions for how you`d like to watch your partner masturbate. Hot, fucking, dayum!

But mutual masturbation can also be a pretty outstanding experience for you and a friend (or friends)! If you have somebody who you would like to masturbate with, and who you think may be interested in masturbating with you as well, take a chance and broach the topic. Masturbating with a friend allows you both to be naked (or partially naked) in a completely judgement free space where you can share technique suggestions, independently explore your bodies, talk about your body and/or how masturbation makes you feel, talk about toys you like or don’t like, share stories, and encourage each other to enjoy your orgasms.

Awesome. Right!?

 

6. Acknowledge and respect that some people really don’t like to masturbate.

Now, as much as I’m here raving about how awesome I think masturbation is, there are some who really, really don’t like it. And that is TOTALLY valid as well.

If you’re talking about masturbation this month and somebody mentions that they don’t care to masturbate, please avoid teasing them or berating them about it. Shaming somebody who doesn’t enjoying masturbation isn’t really any better than shaming somebody who does. Instead, I’d encourage you to seek understanding about why they dislike it.

And no, that doesn’t mean self-righteously suggesting that they are “probably just doing it wrong” or inferring that they are a prude for not enjoying it. That doesn’t mean ignoring that they don’t like it and cramming down their throats a pile of unsolicited tips on how you think they might be able to cum.

There could be any number of reasons that somebody wouldn’t enjoy masturbation and while, yes, some of those reasons may stem from feelings of shame or from how they were raised, or what their religious beliefs are, that is not always the case. Sometimes, people just… don’t care for it.

And if that sounds like you, well, I still hope that you have a most excellent month. You don’t need to masturbate to enjoy May. There’s a lot going on from some really awesome new movies coming out, to a bunch of wicked video game releases, a pile of DVDs/Blu-Rays hitting store shelves, hundreds of new books to read, and a ridiculous amount of new music to jam out to (including Radiohead’s new album!!!). Plus, it is in my opinion that May is also a great month for road trips, travel, picnics, nice walks, checking out some local events going on, and taking in any one of these night sky events.

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