Three Lessons I Learned When One of My Favorite Sex Workers Retired

I’m horrible with loss. It’s shitty and I suck at dealing with it.

So, when one of my absolute favorite clip sellers recently announced that they would be shutting down their Amateur Porn store, and planned to completely stop selling videos and pics altogether… that made me sad as fuck. Especially since one of their main reasons for doing so was because they weren’t make enough money doing it to justify the work they were putting in to it.

In fact, out of the literally hundreds of followers that they had consuming their posts across multiple social media platforms, only a handful were actively purchasing any of their content… and that’s super shitty tbh. I mean, hundreds of followers and very few sales to show for it? Fuck.

Here are three things that I’m personally taking away from this goodbye and applying to how I consume sex content going forward:

 

  1. The Understanding That Clip Selling & Camming is NOT as Easy as People Make it Out To Be

“Just sell some nudes!”, “Why don’t you start camming?”, “If you want easy money, get into sex work!” all are things that I have read/heard people say to those struggling with finances. There seems to be this bizarre misconception among folks that doing sex work, or selling amateur porn content, is this super simple thing that anybody can do super successfully whenever they want. 

But that’s not how it actually works.

Truth is that the market is incredibly inundated with clip sellers, cam workers, panty sellers, etc. and, thanks to tube sites peddling stolen clips and videos, the vast majority of sex workers and content creators do not see financial compensation for most of their work. Not only do the vast majority of people on the internet who seek out adult content generally do not want to pay for it- at all – but they generally believe that they are still somehow entitled to a constant stream of adult content for their own, individual sexual gratification.

I mean, who hasn’t heard countless people (be they friends or strangers) say shit like: “why would I pay for porn if I can watch it for free?”

In my younger years, I’ve even said it.

Here’s the thing, though: chances are that the “free” porn that you’ve looked at actually cost somebody else a whole lot of time, resources, and money of their own to make. And many of those individuals likely wonder if it’s even worth producing anything new when most of their supposed fans simply aren’t paying for it.

That random “hot chick masturbates on cam” video you watched the other night on some streaming site? Yeah, that was probably a cam worker’s private show which somebody recorded and uploaded without their permission. Boo.

Those super, high quality cosplay nudes you just looked at on Imagefap? Those were likely scooped from a model’s Patreon or off of a paysite they work for. So, yep, also super shitty.

Oh and about all of that those sex comics and erotic artwork sitting on “Rule 34” sites or image boards, guess what? That’s right, it’s all intellectual property taken from artist sites, often not properly attributed/cited, and sometimes even unethically profited from by these host sites through those annoying site ads and pop-ups you keep closing.

How the fuck is somebody supposed to make a living when not only are people not paying for content, but they are then getting gratification from that content when it is stolen and re-uploaded elsewhere?

Which leads to…

 

  1. It Is SUPER Important to Support Your Favorites by Actually Paying for Their Content

Are you following a bunch of clip sellers, cam workers, escorts, erotic artists, and models on Twitter, Tumblr, or some other social media platform? Cool, pay them for their work when you can.

Yes, seriously. Sitting there liking, re-tweeting, and following their presence, all while enjoying the occasional freebies they toss out there, isn’t “supporting” them. It’s freeloading.

And I’m not talking about somebody who legit cannot afford to pay for content right now. Eating, having clothes, and looking after your wellness is certainly more important than purchasing porn. What I’m talking about though are those who COULD afford to buy a clip this month, or some pics, but they spend it on other leisure activities instead, all while continue to enjoy sex worker’s advertisement nudes.

I mean, that’s kinda shitty, because once again it goes right back around to folks not wanting to pay sex workers for their work. It’s entitlement and disrespectful.

So, if you really, truly are a fan of somebody’s content, and you want them to keep making stuff, then how about instead of going to the movies this payday, maybe buy a few pics or a short video from them instead?

Once you do that…

 

  1. Gush About the Paid Content That You Love

Do you absolutely love the videos you bought from a specific clip seller? Are you ecstatic about a photo set you just purchased from your favorite model? Were you incredibly happy with custom content, or a private cam show, that you paid for from a sex worker recently?

THAT’S what you should be posting about! Let folks know just how happy you are with your purchase. Advocate that sex workers deserve to be paid for their work and that you feel that your money was well spent on their content. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends about how much you loved a clip, or photo gallery, and encourage them to buy it too.

And if they try to get you to share it with them for free, then tell them HELL no cause that’s fucking selfish and they should have more goddam respect for sex workers, creators, and artists. And if they say something shitty about sex workers after that then stop being friends with that person because they’re an asshole.

So, yeah, I’m pretty sour. I’m disappointed in myself for all the content I consumed for free over the years, when I could have paid, and I’m pissed at how our society rewards those who unethically consume porn while simultaneously disrespecting sex workers. And yeah, I’m pretty bummed that I’m never going to see new content from one of my favorite clip sellers in large part because of all that bullshit.

I’m going to do better, and I hope you folks will join me in buying more from the content creators you love too!

And to the NB porn faery moving on to other pursuits: this blogger/fan will miss you and your work an awful lot, but I wish you all of the best.

 

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Ask Mx Nillin: Let’s Talk Organizing a Gang Bang!

Thank you for reading Ask Mx Nillin, a new blog feature that allows readers to anonymously submit questions as prompts for discussion. Today’s prompt comes from an individual seeking advice for how they can safely plan a gang bang for themselves, with help from their partner.


I have a kink for exhibitionism and group sex.

I have a long-standing fantasy about being in the center of a group sex situation and having several males surrounding me, taking turns having vaginal and oral sex with me while others masturbate.

My partner and I have discussed making this happen, but I’m scared of trying to find people.

We might know one or two we could ask, but I know from experience opening a conversation about wanting to have a sex activity that is essentially a gang bang brings out the creeps fast.

Any help?


 

Firstly, nice! That’s a great fantasy, and it’s one that is actually far more common than people realize. It has actually been on my Fucket List (my sexual bucket list) for ages.

As you’ve already discovered though, organizing a gang bang or group sex scenario can be quite stressful, intimidating, and takes a lot more work when you want to ensure that you feel as safe as possible during the act.

A lot of gang bang hosting guides suggest that people choose a location and put ads out on Craigslist, Kijiji, kink/fetish message boards, etc. [NOTE: I do NOT recommend this.] The logic ascribed to here is that it focuses on getting the maximum amount of strangers possible out to have sex with you. It’s also the primary method depicted in a relatively new sub-genre of pornography called “dogging”.

For those who don’t know, dogging is a British slang term for public group sex that has become increasingly more popular in North America. In porn, dogging typically involves a cisgender woman putting gang bang ads online before the camera operator (who is often claimed to be her husband or boyfriend) then drives her out to a predetermined, semi-public parking lot or a country park. Once they arrive, there is usually a crowd of anywhere from 5 to 10 cisgender men anxiously waiting to have oral and penetrative sex with her while others watch and play with themselves.

I’ll admit that it’s a very exciting fantasy and the videos are pretty dam hot. You got the group sex, the masturbating voyeurs, your partner filming you, AND the public sex aspect! That being said, pornography is not a true, reflection of real life sex and the vast majority of those dogging videos are actually staged to some degree with more planning than is let on. So, while the fantasy of a gang bang with complete strangers is certainly exciting, placing online ads and setting up dogging excursions do come with the potential for significant risk.

Not only would you not know the sexual history of those who show up, or whether they would use protection, thus placing you at heightened risk for contracting an STI, but there is also no way of determining whether or not participants are going to pose a threat of violence or grievous bodily harm to you.

On top of this, gang bangs and dogging events with call outs to random strangers tend to draw out participants with VERY different assumptions of what kind of sex they are going to have with you. You may be going there with the expectation that everyone is going to wear protection and only penetrate you orally or vaginally, because that’s what you placed in your ad. However, there’s no way of actually knowing how those who show up heard about the gang bang in the first place. In fact, some may not have even seen the ad at all, rather, they heard about it through word of mouth. That does pose a very real risk for mob mentality non-consensual sexual violence.

Overall, I would personally encourage you to instead choose a safe environment (such as your home or apartment) and invite individuals that you know, even if only by acquaintance. By inviting people who are familiar to you in some way, such as friends, coworkers, neighbors, other couples, or acquaintances, you decrease the likelihood of various risks. There’s higher accountability from participants, communication will be much stronger, and boundaries are far more likely to be expressed and respected by all involved. Further, with your partner and yourself acting as hosts, you both also retain a degree of control over the overall event and can ensure that everybody feels secure to the best of your ability.

I can't use copyrighted group sex pictures from adult videos, so, my partner arranged these dinosaur plushies to gang bang a unicorn plushie. Thanks, hun!
I can’t use copyrighted group sex pictures from adult videos, so, my partner arranged these dinosaur plushies to gang bang a unicorn plushie. Thanks, hun!

So, I think that you are already on the right track with talking to your partner and coming up with a couple of people who you would feel comfortable with; and who you feel are most likely to consider the invitation. While it’s certainly scary to put yourself out there to somebody about anything related to sex, especially a gangbang, I can confidently say that you’d actually be surprised at how many people you know would likely be very interested in the opportunity to participate in a group sex or gangbang situation with you.

While we have a tendency to think that our friends, as well as the people that we interact with semi-frequently, are not kinky and would never engage in those activities, reality is that you never know what sexual needs and desires those around you are just waiting for the chance to explore!

For all you know, right now numerous individuals around you share these exact same kinks and desires, or just a voracious sexual appetite in general. Your quiet friend, who you think is very reserved, may actually love the prospect of rough sex and BDSM play. That soft-spoken co-worker, who you think would never do anything kinky, may actually already be going to glory holes on the weekend to give oral sex to an army of cocks. That couple you and your partner are friends with, who you both think are so madly in love with each other that they would never consider a threesome or foursome, may actually already be attending swinging parties or have fuck buddies that visit them a couple times each month.

But in a sex shaming society such as ours all of these people are likely just as scared to put themselves out there as you are. So, you’ll never know unless you ask.

Also, keep in mind that as much as a large gang bang may be appealing, the thrill of even just having three or four people having sex with you, or masturbating as they watch, is likely to be a pretty thrilling experience too.

Now, the more planning that you put into how the gang bang will operate, before you invite specific people, the higher the chances will be that a potential guest will be interested in participating. If you show that a lot of thought, consideration, and planning has gone into this, from both yourself and your partner, those you invite are more likely to feel comfortable and confident in this being a safe . Here are some things to consider, other than the “where” and “when”, before those invites go out:

  • What rules and boundaries will there be? (ie; no drugs, no alcohol, no hitting, no anal, etc.)
  • Are some of your potential guests LGBTQ+ and if so, will this gathering be inclusive and safe for them? [NOTE: please don’t invite your queer friends to heteronormative play parties with potentially homophobic or transphobic people.]
  • Is BDSM (rope play, spanking, choking, rough sex, etc.) planned to be a part of the gang bang? [NOTE: if so, understand that some may be super into this, but for others it could be a deal breaker.]
  • Will there be a universal safeword for anybody to use should they feel uncomfortable or unsafe with what is happening (and will said safeword actually be respected)?
  • Will you be providing protection (condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, etc.) and will safe toy usage be observed (no sharing of sex toys without condoms, or, no sharing of sex toys at all)?
  • Will the privacy of individuals during the gang bang be respected (closed blinds, no cameras, etc.) and will confidentiality after the gathering be observed (no naming people to others if you talk about it)?
  • Will there be socialization and/or entertainment to help relax everyone prior to the gang bang?
  • Will you be providing food and beverages?
  • And much more…

Essentially, the more information you can provide to those you invite, the better.

Fun fact: gang bangs, orgies, group sex, threeseomes, foursomes, etc. were quite commonplace in many ancient cultures; preserved art, sculptures, tapestries, and more, give us a glimpse into historical sexual practices. (Pictured - erotic carvings at Kandariya Mahadeva Temple built circa 1030).
Fun fact: gang bangs, orgies, group sex, threeseomes, foursomes, etc. were quite commonplace in many ancient cultures; preserved art, sculptures, tapestries, and more, give us a glimpse into historical sexual practices. (Pictured – erotic carvings at Kandariya Mahadeva Temple built circa 1030).

Please also be sure to look after yourself during this planning and to ensure that your partner is doing the same. While there are certainly some cases where the thrill of suddenly having aggressive sex with strangers can be an exciting experience, gang bangs without proper planning and safety protocols can equally turn into forced sex with unwanted participants and intimidation tactics. [NOTE: if you are uncomfortable, scared, feel threatened or intimidated to engage in sex with people you don’t want to, then it is not a gang bang… it is sexual assault.]

That’s why it is IMPERATIVE for you to be deeply involved in the planning of your own gang bang, or for it to involve people that you trust with your well being, even as they are roughly fucking you. I mean, it will be you who is at the center of that act, therefore, you should be in control and have the most say in how it happens.

In fact, it should really be you who ultimately plans the whole thing, with your partner supporting you through that process while simultaneously working to ensure your safety as well.

Of course, it is also important to respect your partner in all of this as well. After all, you are in a relationship together and they will be involved in the gang bang too (whether participating or observing). So, if your partner is uncomfortable with certain acts, or certain guests, then I strongly encourage you to be considerate of that.

I understand that this might seem overwhelming, and I don’t mean for any of it to outright discourage you. It takes work, but when done thoughtfully, safely, and considerately of those involved, these experiences have the potential to be incredibly rewarding and thrilling for everyone.

Best of luck to you both in seeing this fantasy fulfilled!

Love and kisses!

Mx Nillin

 


The advice offered in Ask Mx Nillin posts are intended for informational purposes only. Use of this feature is NOT intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional services. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this piece are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This piece, its author, Mx Nillin, and this blog, www.mxnillin.worpdpress.com, are NOT responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for y

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Dear, Canadian Blood Services: Your Donor Policies are Transphobic, Homophobic, and Inhumane

I am impure. I am tainted. I am dangerous.

At least according to Canadian Blood Services, I am. Over the course of this past week, they have excitedly announced “groundbreaking” changes to their intake of blood from gay men; which now requires them to only abstain from any sex with other men for at least 1 year (down from 5-years). While this remains a thoroughly homophobic and blatantly discriminatory policy, I recently discovered that the “changes” are also systematically transphobic as well.

How, you ask?

In a statement made to Buzzfeed Canada, Canadian Blood Services pulled no punches at all when they acknowledged that they have every intention to knowingly, and methodically, misgender ALL trans people living in Canada based upon the sex that they were assigned-at-birth.  The statement says: “Trans* donors who have not had gender-affirming genital surgery will be screened by their assigned birth sex. We recognize their assigned birth sex may be different than the gender with which they identify.”

So, hey, they recognize that trans people identify as a different gender than the one that society decided they should have. They just don’t really care. To them, you are your assigned birth sex, and that’s that.

That’s transphobia 101, folks.

Additionally, should a trans individual have a penis and find themselves in a relationship with somebody else who happens to have a penis, even if said trans person is a women then they are subject to the “men who have sex with men” clause. UNLESS they have had, or soon get, gender confirmation surgery AND they wait an obligatory 1-year period after said surgery.

Presumably, because Canadian Blood Services believes that trans blood belonging to somebody who has a penis will somehow magically meets their discriminatory criteria for acceptance only after their genitalia has been removed and it has been exactly 1-year since that surgery. Because… logic? I guess. This includes “all transgender, non-binary and gender non-conforming identities.”

On his blog, Journey to James, advocate and author James Gardner explains what he had learned of the policy back in 2015:

“The edict, titled Credit Criteria, Procedure Number: CS01200v begins by categorizing transgender and transsexual donors separately.  Transgender donors are described as, “identifying as opposite of birth gender, have not had gender reassignment surgery, and present documents that may reflect opposite gender.”  Transsexual donors are those who have had “gender reassignment surgery (GRS)—genitalia consistent with gender they identify with.” They also must present documents that reflect gender reassignment.”

Canadian Blood Services Discriminates Against Trans Canadians

WTF seriously

Under this edict, “transsexual” donors can give blood so long as they have all of the proper  documentation proving that they have medically, surgically, and legally transitioned from one binary gender to the other. Because, again, apparently gender confirmation surgery is what makes your blood low-risk and desirable. Transgender donors… that’s a whole other game for Canadian Blood Services.

To summarize here, because this is so mind-numbingly awful that I’ve had to break it down over and over again: Canadian Blood Services is flat-out going to actively misgender you based upon your sex-assigned-at-birth and surgical status. I’m sure that all trans men, and gender diverse individuals assigned female-at-birth, will also be subjected to this crap. But, if you happen to be a trans woman, or a gender diverse individual, who has/had a penis and is in, or has been in, a relationship with somebody else who has/had a penis, then Canadian Blood Services is not only going to misgender you… they are also going to explicitly assume that you are actually a gay man who is obviously having sex with men.

“Wait, hold on, Nillin! I changed the sex designation on my government issued ID,” I hear you say.

Congratulations!

Doesn’t matter, though.

Even if you are one of the lucky ones to live in a province that now allows you to change the sex designation on your photo ID without being required to undergo gender confirmation surgery, if a Canadian Blood Services worker suspects that you are transgender (ie; the sex on your ID and health cards don’t match) then you’re hooped. “Get out. We don’t want your blood.” Plain and simple: on top of all the ID changes, you HAVE to have the paperwork showing you have had gender confirmation surgery.

According to the National Press, Dr. Mindy Goldman insists that “for trans people who only have female partners, it will likely be a moot point.” That is to say, that if you are only with people who have vaginas then, apparently, you’re good.

But I call bullshit. We’ve all been down this road many, many times before. The whole gender policing thing has been going on for generations and right now it’s at its most dangerous and violent with all the trans panic in public washrooms.

I mean, lets be honest here… Canadian Blood Services essentially utilizes the Bathroom Bill equivalent of blood donor policies. Do you really think that staff isn’t going to make wildly subjective assumptions based upon how they perceive your sex? Because I’m positive that they will. In fact, I have heard/read countless experiences of them already doing so.

This makes me FURIOUS and it should make you feel furious too.

This is illogical, this is ignorant, this is discriminatory, this is stereotyping, this is homophobic, this is transphobic, and, frankly, this is inhumane.

I condemn this policy, completely.

There is nothing to celebrate here and with the Federal Liberal government fast tracking long overdue basic human rights and protections for trans Canadians, I expect… no, I DEMAND that Canadian Blood Services totally removes ALL discriminatory policies toward gender and sexually diverse donors.

I am tired of our involvement with society and our everyday lives coming with ignorant, prejudiced, disparaging, fear-based conditions, policies, and “rules”.

I am tired of being treated as impure, as tainted, as immoral, as less than everyone else.

We are NOT these things.

We are NOT inherently dangerous.

We deserve wayyyyyy better than this.

 

P.S. Don’t think that I don’t see you too, Health Canada. Educate yourselves and get your shit together.

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