Welcome to Day 1 of February Photofest 2019 on MxNillin.com
The first two weeks of posts this month will be lewds and nudes from a couple of years back, taken shortly after I first came out. These have NEVER been uploaded to the blog before and thus haven’t been seen by anyone other than my partners and close friends, until now.
I couldn’t even see myself anymore.
Decades of self-loathing, deep shame, and self-destructive behaviors will do that. But I was finally ready to let go of the me that I thought I had to be. I was ready to let go of who my family, teachers, classmates, politicians, religious leaders, and more, expected me to be.
But first I had to unlearn everything I was socialized to both idolize and aspire to.
I had to stop criticizing my personal needs and desires as being perverted, immoral, or weak.
I had to stop denying myself autonomy over my own feelings and my body in favor of “fitting in”.
I had to stop forcing myself to “make a choice”, to “pick a side” about being a “man” or a “woman”, or about being “gay” or “straight”.
It’s easier said than done, but I knew that if I wanted to survive then I’d have to embrace the in-between. I’d have to welcome the “what the fuck?”. So, that’s what I did. I took a deep breath, my whole body quivering, and I jumped head first into the big sea of gender fuckery, queer sexuality, and romantic ambiguity.
And when I first touched myself, now with a deeper, more intimate, more genuine understanding of me, deep down I knew this was it. Everything was going to change. I was never going back and everything ahead of me was loud, proud, and queer as fuck.
This felt too good to be wrong.
Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for a new photo! To see unused pics from this month, advanced previews of posts, and behind the scenes content, become a patron on my Patreon.
Finally, be sure to click the February Photofest 2019 logo below to see pics from other bloggers participating in this year’s event.