DISCLAIMER: Exercise caution when handling hot foods! Do NOT put your genitals onto or into fresh baked goods without allowing for adequate cooling time first.
Welcome to the first installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a new blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to get me off, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!
So, here’s how these are going to work: every couple of weeks I’m going to buy an inanimate item or an object, then I’ll take it home, and masturbate with it. After doing this for however long it takes to decide whether or not it feels good, or enough to determine whether or not the logistics required to masturbate with it are worth the effort, I’ll stop and then will write a post about it!
At the end of each of these posts there will be a poll listing other items I’m curious about penetrating. The item that gets the most votes, within 7-days after the previous post goes up, will be what I buy and fuck next!
Sound good? Cool, I think so too!
For this first post, I decided to draw some inspiration from the 1999 cinematic classic, American Pie. That’s right… I fucked a warm apple pie.
Here’s what you need to know about that!
How Much Will it Cost To Fuck?
That depends entirely on whether your pie is homemade or store bought. If you want to go the homemade route, that’s cool, but I literately had no interest in baking a pie from scratch for the sole purpose of having sex with it. So, figure it out yourself.
I just stopped at a grocery store, walked back to the bakery department and picked out the heaviest and most well-made looking apple pie I could find sitting out on their shelves.
Total cost: $4.99 (Canadian)
How Much Prep Does it Take to Fuck?
Not a lot, actually! But it does require an oven. Set your oven to preheat to 350 degrees, then put your pie it in there for about 15 minutes.
Now it’s time to add some extra filling to that sweet crust, right?
Whoa! What did I JUST say?? You just reheated that thing in a fucking oven for 15 minutes.
WARNING: Do NOT stick your penis into a pie that has just come out of the oven. Let it cool in room temperature for AT LEAST 30 minutes.
Jason Biggs didn’t sensually finger fuck that voluptuous pie before sticking his dick in it for no reason. So, slow down there, pastry lover. Let you baked goodies hang out for a bit then finger test that shit first!
I mean, sure, burning your fingers would also suck if it was too hot, but do you know what would be WAY worse? Burning your goddamn genitals, that’s what. So, slow down, take your time, and finger your pie.
Hell, you don’t even have to burn your fingers to know if it’s safe yet. Can you literally see steam coming off of it? If yes, then don’t fuck it right now. Let it sit for a while and maybe check back again in an additional 15 minutes or so.
When you come back to look at it, hold your hand just over the top surface of it to check how much heat you feel coming off it and gauge from there. But please, for the love of god, don’t penetrate it with your penis until you test it with your fingers first. If your fingers can’t take the heat of that pie then your genitals sure as fuck won’t be able to either.
What Is it Like to Fuck?
Thoroughly underwhelming. Hollywood LIED to us.
Seriously, this was a wholly awkward, sticky, and exhausting experience.
First I tried holding it in one hand while I penetrated the steam vent hole in the middle.
Let me say right off the bat that pie doesn’t hold heat evenly. So, even after you’ve let it cool, and have done the finger test, it’s likely that you’re still going to find hot spots the further you push your penis under that crust.
WARNING: Insert your penis into the cooled pie SLOWLY… there are hidden hot spots that can potentially burn you even after you think that the pie is “good to go”.
This uneven heat really kills the mood as it halts progress and makes the prospect of burning your penis head fucking terrifying. And when you’re terrified of burning your penis head, you’re gonna have a bad time. Ultimately, I poked some extra holes into the crust with a fork and even put the pie in the fridge for an extra 5 minutes just to be safe.
If that wasn’t already a buzzkill, the next thing that immediately becomes apparent is that most pies are, like, an inch-and-a-half deep. With my girl cock being about 6-inches there just wasn’t a lot of pie for me to fuck, really.
I spent more time rubbing the head and frenulum of my girl cock onto the tin foil pan than I did actually fucking the pie itself. And even when you make yourself a nice little burrow, pleasure doesn’t last long before the crust starts cracking and crumbling and now you’re just skimming the surface of a puddle of apple goo.
Eventually, I just gave up and put the fucking thing right on the ground so that I could try humping it. Here’s how that went:
This was slightly better, but not better enough to do it for longer than a minute. Finally I just conceded. I hiked up my dress, got into our tub, and rinsed off the sad clumps of sweet pastry from my girl cock, balls, and thighs.
Should You Fuck It?
Nahhh. I had a decent time because my partner was watching, and taking pictures, then I got to write this ridiculous post. For actual masturbation purposes though this gets a 3/10, only because I’m confident there will be worse things I stick my girl cock in over the coming months. Speaking of which…