Somebody asked me the other day if there was anything that I wouldn’t fuck for Mx Nillin Fucks. And yeah, there is. Here are six things that you will NOT see me attempting to get off with:
Fuck no. Tackling this one right now. I don’t care if it’s cooked, uncooked, or on a sandwich with other stuff, this girl cock is NOT into deli meats. It weirds me the fuck out, okay?
You ever see a really well crafted porcelain doll, or those laughing, pooping, farting, or puking baby dolls at Walmart and think to yourself: “god, I really want to fuck one of those some day”?
Yeah, no, me neither, because it’s fucking creepy.
Besides, I’ve seen Annabelle, okay? You DON’T fuck around with porcelaine dolls… at all. Don’t look at them. Don’t talk to them. Don’t touch them. And certainly do not put your genitals in or around them.
You wanna get demons? Because that’s how you get fucking demons.
3. Electronics or Appliances
Look, Wall-E was definitely adorable, the movie pulled on my feels something fierce, but I still didn’t have the urge to fuck a trash compactor afterward… you know? And while there are plenty of appliances or electronics that I could conceivably stick my girl cock into it all comes down to this: why?
There’s nothing sexy or good about smooshing your sensitive, vulnerable genitals into a something literally made of hard, often pokey, metals and plastics,
So let’s just let any Brave Little Toaster fantasies stay fantasies. Alright? Alright.
4. Plant Life
I don’t think that fucking a plant has ever crossed my mind, until now. And now that it has crossed my mind, I can confidently say that potted or not I have absolutely no interest, whatsoever, in fucking the flora of any region, habitat, or geological period.
Not even bell flowers. And those things ARE pretty sexy.
5. Any Acidic or Spicy Foods
So, with or without a condom the horror stories I have read about people fucking, like, a grapefruit and getting acidic juice up their peehole is just… it’s horrifying. ESPECIALLY for me. Why? Well, for those who read my The Other 25 Facts About My Queer Sex Life post, you may remember that I had to have a non-surgical procedure done after getting a urethral stricture that resulted in me now having a wider than average urethral opening.
And the thought of getting any hot sauce, chipotle, or lemon juice up there is just… I can’t.
6. Anything Previously Fucked on Mx Nillin Fucks
That’s right! This means the warm apple pie, the Jell-O, the PB&J sandwiches, and, obviously, the pool noodle. They were all awful and Mx Nillin Fucks isn’t about altering things to make them fuckable. No, no. It’s about fucking things AS IS.
And as is, those things were terrible.
Ain’t nobody got time to make pool noodles something worth masturbating with. Except for pool noodle manufacturers. Y’all could make bank there, just saying.