[CW: this post contains a bare butt and flaccid girl cock]
As much as I am sure that most of the people I know in my personal life have likely already seen me naked on the internet, I’ve always wondered about which of my friends specifically have looked at the blog… and what did they think when they first came here?
I mean, I talk to plenty of fellow sex bloggers and educators about this sort of stuff all the time, but aside from a handful of folks I actually haven’t heard a lot from the people who I’ve known a lot longer.
Like, what the fuck did my old classmates think when they saw me jerking off with a banana peel? How did the people I used to play roller derby with react to me making a silicone toy mold of my girl cock to fuck myself in the butt with? Have some of the folks I’ve known for 5, 10, or even 15+ years seen my posts on eating my own cum?
I was fucking curious! So this past weekend I reached out to a bunch of friends who I’ve known for periods ranging from just a couple years, to nearly two decades (shout out to Kris!!), with a handful of questions about whether or not their perspectives of me, or our friendship, have changed since I started blogging here.
Surprisingly, everyone’s answers were REALLY fucking deep and affirming as fuck! So here are some highlights from those responses:
What did you first think when you found out I was running a sex blog and that I was posting explicit nudes of myself online?
Catie: I thought it was awesome! Really brave and authentic and I thought the world needs more of that! I was intrigued to start reading, but also intimidated.
Elan: I was completely unsurprised. It felt like the most natural thing in the world for you to do. And I found it hilarious, too. Everything you do is funny in some way, even if it’s not explicitly there.
Foxy Momma: I mean, I knew you were very voiced about protecting sex workers, and very passionate about those topics, and super easy to talk to about sex, so I guess it didn’t come as a huge surprise. I was worried at the time thought that you could lose your job, or that Pride would flip out [when you were on the board], to be 100% honest…
Jess: I was so, so proud of and happy for you! Sex and the human body are natural and beautiful things, and they should be discussed more openly!
Jordan: I thought it was good for you that you were running a sex blog and wished you the best of success with it. I did, however, worry that you would lose your job over it. I know you hated that job at the end, but you were also the main breadwinner in your household. Mainly, I didn’t want to see you homeless or stressed from poverty.
Kelsey: I was into it. I thought it was fucking rad you were doing it and I found it empowering to know somebody who did that. I was super pumped to read about you kinda… finding yourself, you know? You found your place, what you love and you aren’t afraid to share, or be that. I love it.
Kris: At first I was surprised, but then how does one react to learning something you didn’t expect? Upon checking it out, I dug that explicit pics were included; how better to educate about sex than with such punctuation.
Victoria: It seemed like a pretty natural transition. You started Derby Frontier around the time I met you so I always thought of you as a writer, and as you became more open about your sexuality and gender identity, it all just made sense.
When did you first see one of my nudes and why did you decide to look?
Catie: I have never actually seen one of your nudes! But I have seen you in lingerie and provocative poses. Your pictures are hot, and I guess I had never seen a trans person being that sexual before, and the fact that I found it sexy made my perception change. You’re not an oppressed victim, you’re a strong attractive human!
I’ll add this too: I read one of your articles about group sex/hooking up with a close friend and found it really eye opening. It is so glamourized in the media and I thought I might want it one day. Surprisingly, reading your blog made me realize I’m not ready for that.
Getting an HONEST account helped me make an HONEST decision. It stopped me from doing something I’m not ready for, which would have been detrimental to my self-esteem, partner, and friend relationship.
Elan: I must have seen a nude before you started fucking various things on your blog, but I most remember having to click over when you fucked an apple pie. How could I not? I HAD TO.
Jess: I checked it out to support a friend (ie, you) and, I must confess, partly out of curiosity to see how you would compose your photos, and to discover my own reaction to them. Was I as progressive as I thought? Turns out I was, and it was totally cool!
It’s not like I’ve never seen a penis, or didn’t know you had one!
Kate: I think the first time I saw a pic of your girl cock was when you posted about frenulum stimulation. I was honestly not looking in a sexual way. It was weird because it was you, and I wasn’t interested in you like that. But I looked at the pics because they were showing were the frenulum is and that post really helped me take my bj skills to the next level haha! After that I didn’t see anything until Mx Nillin Fucks, and then we started sexting and I looked at your actual nudes and lewds.
Kitty: I can’t really remember, probably the first one you posted! Don’t think I’ve missed any hehe. I wanted to see out of curiosity, now I look for enjoyment. The pictures are sexy and I always enjoy reading what you have to say. Double win!
Mel: Well I only seen one, I can’t remember what post it was but I wanted to read stuff you were working on to help me understand you better, and to be able to support you. I liked that we still joked around, talked, and nothing changed at all because I see a nude online.
Victoria: I don’t actually remember the first time I saw your nudes. We were always flirty and I remember [you, Fal, Jordan , and I] had a group chat [for sexting]. I can’t remember if we had sex first, or swapped nudes first, but it was awesome! I used to walk around all wet because of it. Again, it seemed like a very natural thing.
One thing I love about relationship anarchy is that I don’t have to define our relationship and we can just have this beautiful friendship where we also have great sex.
Did your perception of me, or of our friendship, change after seeing me naked online?
Bryanna: It made me more respectful for you. You are clearly proud of who you are.
Catie: Yes my perception of you did change. I guess before I thought you were a bit shy and reserved. Although I don’t know where that came from… I think I saw you as needing protection, whereas now I see you as strong and fearless!
Christina: I actually have never seen one of your full nudes. I have no issue with you posting them. I just personally am not very comfortable seeing any of my friends naked. I’m that person who hates locker rooms and changes in the bathroom stall. But I love to read the content of your posts so I pay attention to disclaimers and simply scroll past the pictures. It has never been an issue for me.
However, my perception of you didn’t change at all knowing you post nudes online, I am happy that you seem happy and comfortable with yourself overall. That’s the big difference I have noticed. I feel any path that has helped you connect with yourself in a more positive way is great.
Drew: No. It was, and remains inspiring, and brave, and naughty, and titillating, and I look forward to new content.
Elan: Not at all. I liked you just the same. You are you, unapologetically, naked or not. And, frankly, I knew you had a girl cock before I ever laid eyes on it.
Foxy Mama: I think I saw more of a vulnerable side, an authentic side of Nillin that is very raw and personal. I was very, very concerned a while ago when it felt to me like you were slipping into the closet again, and your mental health was wearing down. It broke my heart. So it made me happy to see you take full autonomy over your body, and see yourself as sexy, beautiful, and powerful. You feeling a sense of empowerment honestly made me feel like I should own my body more and stop self-hating it.
Do I still sometimes get a huge shock from something you post though? It’s a yes from me! But I think that’s what makes you Nillin! You always keep people alert and on their toes. You push the enveloped by being so risqué.
Kate: Nope. I always thought it was crazy and hilarious (in a good way) and awesome. I admire your ability to just put it all out there and give zero fucks.
Kelsey: I think my perspective of you changed a bit for the better. Like, I wanted to know you more and become a better friend. I found you [posting nudes] to be empowering, and there’s a sexiness to it too. When somebody is confident, it’s sexy! And I want to be a friend that encourages and supports more.
Kitty: I definitely was shocked that you put yourself out there in such a big way. I met you before you came out, before Nillin existed, when you were quiet and seemed insecure. I’m not sure insecure is the right word… but Nillin seems to be secure and confident. A person who is happy with who they are and wants to show the world. The person I originally met didn’t seem like that, so, I guess it changed my perception in a good way!
Kris: My perception changed in that I suddenly felt like I knew you more intimately. I felt a new appreciation for your openness and honesty. These were sides I’d never seen before.
Sharyl: My perception of you changed slightly, mostly because I had to admire your determination to present yourself in as positive a way as possible, the way you want to. We are all sexual beings, and regardless of our orientation or identity, we all have the right to express ourselves.
I enjoy reading your blog and I think it’s actually helped me to identify my own comfort level. I’ve posed for erotic and nude photography before so I’m accustomed to being shed bare skinned. But I believe sharing and presenting nudes in front of your own friends takes on a whole new dynamic. I’ve never shared nudes myself (maybe someday – you never know).
As a person and a friend, my perception of you gained better value for your openness and honesty. It also made me very comfortable sharing my own traumatic experiences with you, and how I’ve recovered from those.
Thank you to all my friends who participated in this, and to all of you who didn’t yet have still shown such positive support and enthusiasm for the blog nonetheless. I see you, I love you, and appreciate you!