I’d heard a lot about the organization through various sex workers, bloggers, and educators over the last couple of years and I was actually interested in the internship program this past spring… but I wasn’t quite confident enough to apply for it at the time.
Having spent much of this summer exploring the radical queer porn content at Crash Pad Series, as well as participating in their Sex Ed Porn Reviews feature, and writing a guest post for their blog, I’ve been feeling super empowered and motivated to really broaden my knowledge of sexual education. Specifically, I have been very focused on topics surrounding sexual pleasure (which is super important to sexual health IMHO) and the lack of inclusive resources, guidance, or education for queer and trans individuals.
So, going with this newfound ambition I applied to the CSPH and I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve accepted an offer to begin interning with them starting at the end of this month! I’ve been placed with their editorial and education teams to produce website content, as well as help create lesson plans, webinars, and other educational development resources.
I’m incredibly excited to have been afforded this opportunity. I cannot wait to work with those involved at the CSPH, to help contribute to the incredible work that they already do, and to learn all that I can from their passionate staff, volunteers, and the community that they serve.
This experience will allow me to greatly expand my knowledge of sexuality and to develop the skills necessary for me to be able to provide sex education, resources, guidance and support to my hometown; as well as other rural communities all across Southern Saskatchewan.
Thank you to my partner Falon for all of the love and support, as well as to my friends and community for all of the encouragement that you’ve given me. I’d also like to thank Jiz Lee, as well as everybody at Crash Pad series, for and broadening my perspectives on sexuality. These next few months are going to be amazing!
Thank you for reading Ask Mx Nillin, a new blog feature that allows readers to anonymously submit questions as prompts for discussion. Today’s prompt comes from an individual seeking advice for how they can safely plan a gang bang for themselves, with help from their partner.
I have a kink for exhibitionism and group sex.
I have a long-standing fantasy about being in the center of a group sex situation and having several males surrounding me, taking turns having vaginal and oral sex with me while others masturbate.
My partner and I have discussed making this happen, but I’m scared of trying to find people.
We might know one or two we could ask, but I know from experience opening a conversation about wanting to have a sex activity that is essentially a gang bang brings out the creeps fast.
Firstly, nice! That’s a great fantasy, and it’s one that is actually far more common than people realize. It has actually been on my Fucket List (my sexual bucket list) for ages.
As you’ve already discovered though, organizing a gang bang or group sex scenario can be quite stressful, intimidating, and takes a lot more work when you want to ensure that you feel as safe as possible during the act.
A lot of gang bang hosting guides suggest that people choose a location and put ads out on Craigslist, Kijiji, kink/fetish message boards, etc. [NOTE: I do NOT recommend this.] The logic ascribed to here is that it focuses on getting the maximum amount of strangers possible out to have sex with you. It’s also the primary method depicted in a relatively new sub-genre of pornography called “dogging”.
For those who don’t know, dogging is a British slang term for public group sex that has become increasingly more popular in North America. In porn, dogging typically involves a cisgender woman putting gang bang ads online before the camera operator (who is often claimed to be her husband or boyfriend) then drives her out to a predetermined, semi-public parking lot or a country park. Once they arrive, there is usually a crowd of anywhere from 5 to 10 cisgender men anxiously waiting to have oral and penetrative sex with her while others watch and play with themselves.
I’ll admit that it’s a very exciting fantasy and the videos are pretty dam hot. You got the group sex, the masturbating voyeurs, your partner filming you, AND the public sex aspect! That being said, pornography is not a true, reflection of real life sex and the vast majority of those dogging videos are actually staged to some degree with more planning than is let on. So, while the fantasy of a gang bang with complete strangers is certainly exciting, placing online ads and setting up dogging excursions do come with the potential for significant risk.
Not only would you not know the sexual history of those who show up, or whether they would use protection, thus placing you at heightened risk for contracting an STI, but there is also no way of determining whether or not participants are going to pose a threat of violence or grievous bodily harm to you.
On top of this, gang bangs and dogging events with call outs to random strangers tend to draw out participants with VERY different assumptions of what kind of sex they are going to have with you. You may be going there with the expectation that everyone is going to wear protection and only penetrate you orally or vaginally, because that’s what you placed in your ad. However, there’s no way of actually knowing how those who show up heard about the gang bang in the first place. In fact, some may not have even seen the ad at all, rather, they heard about it through word of mouth. That does pose a very real risk for mob mentality non-consensual sexual violence.
Overall, I would personally encourage you to instead choose a safe environment (such as your home or apartment) and invite individuals that you know, even if only by acquaintance. By inviting people who are familiar to you in some way, such as friends, coworkers, neighbors, other couples, or acquaintances, you decrease the likelihood of various risks. There’s higher accountability from participants, communication will be much stronger, and boundaries are far more likely to be expressed and respected by all involved. Further, with your partner and yourself acting as hosts, you both also retain a degree of control over the overall event and can ensure that everybody feels secure to the best of your ability.
So, I think that you are already on the right track with talking to your partner and coming up with a couple of people who you would feel comfortable with; and who you feel are most likely to consider the invitation. While it’s certainly scary to put yourself out there to somebody about anything related to sex, especially a gangbang, I can confidently say that you’d actually be surprised at how many people you know would likely be very interested in the opportunity to participate in a group sex or gangbang situation with you.
While we have a tendency to think that our friends, as well as the people that we interact with semi-frequently, are not kinky and would never engage in those activities, reality is that you never know what sexual needs and desires those around you are just waiting for the chance to explore!
For all you know, right now numerous individuals around you share these exact same kinks and desires, or just a voracious sexual appetite in general. Your quiet friend, who you think is very reserved, may actually love the prospect of rough sex and BDSM play. That soft-spoken co-worker, who you think would never do anything kinky, may actually already be going to glory holes on the weekend to give oral sex to an army of cocks. That couple you and your partner are friends with, who you both think are so madly in love with each other that they would never consider a threesome or foursome, may actually already be attending swinging parties or have fuck buddies that visit them a couple times each month.
But in a sex shaming society such as ours all of these people are likely just as scared to put themselves out there as you are. So, you’ll never know unless you ask.
Also, keep in mind that as much as a large gang bang may be appealing, the thrill of even just having three or four people having sex with you, or masturbating as they watch, is likely to be a pretty thrilling experience too.
Now, the more planning that you put into how the gang bang will operate, before you invite specific people, the higher the chances will be that a potential guest will be interested in participating. If you show that a lot of thought, consideration, and planning has gone into this, from both yourself and your partner, those you invite are more likely to feel comfortable and confident in this being a safe . Here are some things to consider, other than the “where” and “when”, before those invites go out:
What rules and boundaries will there be? (ie; no drugs, no alcohol, no hitting, no anal, etc.)
Are some of your potential guests LGBTQ+ and if so, will this gathering be inclusive and safe for them? [NOTE: please don’t invite your queer friends to heteronormative play parties with potentially homophobic or transphobic people.]
Is BDSM (rope play, spanking, choking, rough sex, etc.) planned to be a part of the gang bang? [NOTE: if so, understand that some may be super into this, but for others it could be a deal breaker.]
Will there be a universal safeword for anybody to use should they feel uncomfortable or unsafe with what is happening (and will said safeword actually be respected)?
Will you be providing protection (condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, etc.) and will safe toy usage be observed (no sharing of sex toys without condoms, or, no sharing of sex toys at all)?
Will the privacy of individuals during the gang bang be respected (closed blinds, no cameras, etc.) and will confidentiality after the gathering be observed (no naming people to others if you talk about it)?
Will there be socialization and/or entertainment to help relax everyone prior to the gang bang?
Will you be providing food and beverages?
And much more…
Essentially, the more information you can provide to those you invite, the better.
That’s why it is IMPERATIVE for you to be deeply involved in the planning of your own gang bang, or for it to involve people that you trust with your well being, even as they are roughly fucking you. I mean, it will be you who is at the center of that act, therefore, you should be in control and have the most say in how it happens.
In fact, it should really be you who ultimately plans the whole thing, with your partner supporting you through that process while simultaneously working to ensure your safety as well.
Of course, it is also important to respect your partner in all of this as well. After all, you are in a relationship together and they will be involved in the gang bang too (whether participating or observing). So, if your partner is uncomfortable with certain acts, or certain guests, then I strongly encourage you to be considerate of that.
I understand that this might seem overwhelming, and I don’t mean for any of it to outright discourage you. It takes work, but when done thoughtfully, safely, and considerately of those involved, these experiences have the potential to be incredibly rewarding and thrilling for everyone.
Best of luck to you both in seeing this fantasy fulfilled!
Love and kisses!
The advice offered in Ask Mx Nillin posts are intended for informational purposes only. Use of this feature is NOT intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional services. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this piece are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This piece, its author, Mx Nillin, and this blog, www.mxnillin.worpdpress.com, are NOT responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for y
At least according to Canadian Blood Services, I am. Over the course of this past week, they have excitedly announced “groundbreaking” changes to their intake of blood from gay men; which now requires them to only abstain from any sex with other men for at least 1 year (down from 5-years). While this remains a thoroughly homophobic and blatantly discriminatory policy, I recently discovered that the “changes” are also systematically transphobic as well.
How, you ask?
In a statement made to Buzzfeed Canada, Canadian Blood Services pulled no punches at all when they acknowledged that they have every intention to knowingly, and methodically, misgender ALL trans people living in Canada based upon the sex that they were assigned-at-birth. The statement says: “Trans* donors who have not had gender-affirming genital surgery will be screened by their assigned birth sex. We recognize their assigned birth sex may be different than the gender with which they identify.”
So, hey, they recognize that trans people identify as a different gender than the one that society decided they should have. They just don’t really care. To them, you are your assigned birth sex, and that’s that.
That’s transphobia 101, folks.
Additionally, should a trans individual have a penis and find themselves in a relationship with somebody else who happens to have a penis, even if said trans person is a women then they are subject to the “men who have sex with men” clause. UNLESS they have had, or soon get, gender confirmation surgery AND they wait an obligatory 1-year period after said surgery.
Presumably, because Canadian Blood Services believes that trans blood belonging to somebody who has a penis will somehow magically meets their discriminatory criteria for acceptance only after their genitalia has been removed and it has been exactly 1-year since that surgery. Because… logic? I guess. This includes “all transgender, non-binary and gender non-conforming identities.”
On his blog, Journey to James, advocate and author James Gardner explains what he had learned of the policy back in 2015:
“The edict, titled Credit Criteria, Procedure Number: CS01200v begins by categorizing transgender and transsexual donors separately. Transgender donors are described as, “identifying as opposite of birth gender, have not had gender reassignment surgery, and present documents that may reflect opposite gender.” Transsexual donors are those who have had “gender reassignment surgery (GRS)—genitalia consistent with gender they identify with.” They also must present documents that reflect gender reassignment.”
Under this edict, “transsexual” donors can give blood so long as they have all of the proper documentation proving that they have medically, surgically, and legally transitioned from one binary gender to the other. Because, again, apparently gender confirmation surgery is what makes your blood low-risk and desirable. Transgender donors… that’s a whole other game for Canadian Blood Services.
To summarize here, because this is so mind-numbingly awful that I’ve had to break it down over and over again: Canadian Blood Services is flat-out going to actively misgender you based upon your sex-assigned-at-birth and surgical status. I’m sure that all trans men, and gender diverse individuals assigned female-at-birth, will also be subjected to this crap. But, if you happen to be a trans woman, or a gender diverse individual, who has/had a penis and is in, or has been in, a relationship with somebody else who has/had a penis, then Canadian Blood Services is not only going to misgender you… they are also going to explicitly assume that you are actually a gay man who is obviously having sex with men.
“Wait, hold on, Nillin! I changed the sex designation on my government issued ID,” I hear you say.
Doesn’t matter, though.
Even if you are one of the lucky ones to live in a province that now allows you to change the sex designation on your photo ID without being required to undergo gender confirmation surgery, if a Canadian Blood Services worker suspects that you are transgender (ie; the sex on your ID and health cards don’t match) then you’re hooped. “Get out. We don’t want your blood.” Plain and simple: on top of all the ID changes, you HAVE to have the paperwork showing you have had gender confirmation surgery.
According to the National Press, Dr. Mindy Goldman insists that “for trans people who only have female partners, it will likely be a moot point.” That is to say, that if you are only with people who have vaginas then, apparently, you’re good.
But I call bullshit. We’ve all been down this road many, many times before. The whole gender policing thing has been going on for generations and right now it’s at its most dangerous and violent with all the trans panic in public washrooms.
I mean, lets be honest here… Canadian Blood Services essentially utilizes the Bathroom Bill equivalent of blood donor policies. Do you really think that staff isn’t going to make wildly subjective assumptions based upon how they perceive your sex? Because I’m positive that they will. In fact, I have heard/read countless experiences of them already doing so.
This makes me FURIOUS and it should make you feel furious too.
This is illogical, this is ignorant, this is discriminatory, this is stereotyping, this is homophobic, this is transphobic, and, frankly, this is inhumane.
I condemn this policy, completely.
There is nothing to celebrate here and with the Federal Liberal government fast tracking long overdue basic human rights and protections for trans Canadians, I expect… no, I DEMAND that Canadian Blood Services totally removes ALL discriminatory policies toward gender and sexually diverse donors.
I am tired of our involvement with society and our everyday lives coming with ignorant, prejudiced, disparaging, fear-based conditions, policies, and “rules”.
I am tired of being treated as impure, as tainted, as immoral, as less than everyone else.
We are NOT these things.
We are NOT inherently dangerous.
We deserve wayyyyyy better than this.
P.S. Don’t think that I don’t see you too, Health Canada. Educate yourselves and get your shit together.