Thank you for reading Ask Mx Nillin, a new blog feature that allows readers to anonymously submit questions as prompts for discussion. Today’s prompt comes from an individual seeking advice for how they can safely plan a gang bang for themselves, with help from their partner.
I have a kink for exhibitionism and group sex.
I have a long-standing fantasy about being in the center of a group sex situation and having several males surrounding me, taking turns having vaginal and oral sex with me while others masturbate.
My partner and I have discussed making this happen, but I’m scared of trying to find people.
We might know one or two we could ask, but I know from experience opening a conversation about wanting to have a sex activity that is essentially a gang bang brings out the creeps fast.
Firstly, nice! That’s a great fantasy, and it’s one that is actually far more common than people realize. It has actually been on my Fucket List (my sexual bucket list) for ages.
As you’ve already discovered though, organizing a gang bang or group sex scenario can be quite stressful, intimidating, and takes a lot more work when you want to ensure that you feel as safe as possible during the act.
A lot of gang bang hosting guides suggest that people choose a location and put ads out on Craigslist, Kijiji, kink/fetish message boards, etc. [NOTE: I do NOT recommend this.] The logic ascribed to here is that it focuses on getting the maximum amount of strangers possible out to have sex with you. It’s also the primary method depicted in a relatively new sub-genre of pornography called “dogging”.
For those who don’t know, dogging is a British slang term for public group sex that has become increasingly more popular in North America. In porn, dogging typically involves a cisgender woman putting gang bang ads online before the camera operator (who is often claimed to be her husband or boyfriend) then drives her out to a predetermined, semi-public parking lot or a country park. Once they arrive, there is usually a crowd of anywhere from 5 to 10 cisgender men anxiously waiting to have oral and penetrative sex with her while others watch and play with themselves.
I’ll admit that it’s a very exciting fantasy and the videos are pretty dam hot. You got the group sex, the masturbating voyeurs, your partner filming you, AND the public sex aspect! That being said, pornography is not a true, reflection of real life sex and the vast majority of those dogging videos are actually staged to some degree with more planning than is let on. So, while the fantasy of a gang bang with complete strangers is certainly exciting, placing online ads and setting up dogging excursions do come with the potential for significant risk.
Not only would you not know the sexual history of those who show up, or whether they would use protection, thus placing you at heightened risk for contracting an STI, but there is also no way of determining whether or not participants are going to pose a threat of violence or grievous bodily harm to you.
On top of this, gang bangs and dogging events with call outs to random strangers tend to draw out participants with VERY different assumptions of what kind of sex they are going to have with you. You may be going there with the expectation that everyone is going to wear protection and only penetrate you orally or vaginally, because that’s what you placed in your ad. However, there’s no way of actually knowing how those who show up heard about the gang bang in the first place. In fact, some may not have even seen the ad at all, rather, they heard about it through word of mouth. That does pose a very real risk for mob mentality non-consensual sexual violence.
Overall, I would personally encourage you to instead choose a safe environment (such as your home or apartment) and invite individuals that you know, even if only by acquaintance. By inviting people who are familiar to you in some way, such as friends, coworkers, neighbors, other couples, or acquaintances, you decrease the likelihood of various risks. There’s higher accountability from participants, communication will be much stronger, and boundaries are far more likely to be expressed and respected by all involved. Further, with your partner and yourself acting as hosts, you both also retain a degree of control over the overall event and can ensure that everybody feels secure to the best of your ability.
So, I think that you are already on the right track with talking to your partner and coming up with a couple of people who you would feel comfortable with; and who you feel are most likely to consider the invitation. While it’s certainly scary to put yourself out there to somebody about anything related to sex, especially a gangbang, I can confidently say that you’d actually be surprised at how many people you know would likely be very interested in the opportunity to participate in a group sex or gangbang situation with you.
While we have a tendency to think that our friends, as well as the people that we interact with semi-frequently, are not kinky and would never engage in those activities, reality is that you never know what sexual needs and desires those around you are just waiting for the chance to explore!
For all you know, right now numerous individuals around you share these exact same kinks and desires, or just a voracious sexual appetite in general. Your quiet friend, who you think is very reserved, may actually love the prospect of rough sex and BDSM play. That soft-spoken co-worker, who you think would never do anything kinky, may actually already be going to glory holes on the weekend to give oral sex to an army of cocks. That couple you and your partner are friends with, who you both think are so madly in love with each other that they would never consider a threesome or foursome, may actually already be attending swinging parties or have fuck buddies that visit them a couple times each month.
But in a sex shaming society such as ours all of these people are likely just as scared to put themselves out there as you are. So, you’ll never know unless you ask.
Also, keep in mind that as much as a large gang bang may be appealing, the thrill of even just having three or four people having sex with you, or masturbating as they watch, is likely to be a pretty thrilling experience too.
Now, the more planning that you put into how the gang bang will operate, before you invite specific people, the higher the chances will be that a potential guest will be interested in participating. If you show that a lot of thought, consideration, and planning has gone into this, from both yourself and your partner, those you invite are more likely to feel comfortable and confident in this being a safe . Here are some things to consider, other than the “where” and “when”, before those invites go out:
- What rules and boundaries will there be? (ie; no drugs, no alcohol, no hitting, no anal, etc.)
- Are some of your potential guests LGBTQ+ and if so, will this gathering be inclusive and safe for them? [NOTE: please don’t invite your queer friends to heteronormative play parties with potentially homophobic or transphobic people.]
- Is BDSM (rope play, spanking, choking, rough sex, etc.) planned to be a part of the gang bang? [NOTE: if so, understand that some may be super into this, but for others it could be a deal breaker.]
- Will there be a universal safeword for anybody to use should they feel uncomfortable or unsafe with what is happening (and will said safeword actually be respected)?
- Will you be providing protection (condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, etc.) and will safe toy usage be observed (no sharing of sex toys without condoms, or, no sharing of sex toys at all)?
- Will the privacy of individuals during the gang bang be respected (closed blinds, no cameras, etc.) and will confidentiality after the gathering be observed (no naming people to others if you talk about it)?
- Will there be socialization and/or entertainment to help relax everyone prior to the gang bang?
- Will you be providing food and beverages?
- And much more…
Essentially, the more information you can provide to those you invite, the better.
Please also be sure to look after yourself during this planning and to ensure that your partner is doing the same. While there are certainly some cases where the thrill of suddenly having aggressive sex with strangers can be an exciting experience, gang bangs without proper planning and safety protocols can equally turn into forced sex with unwanted participants and intimidation tactics. [NOTE: if you are uncomfortable, scared, feel threatened or intimidated to engage in sex with people you don’t want to, then it is not a gang bang… it is sexual assault.]
That’s why it is IMPERATIVE for you to be deeply involved in the planning of your own gang bang, or for it to involve people that you trust with your well being, even as they are roughly fucking you. I mean, it will be you who is at the center of that act, therefore, you should be in control and have the most say in how it happens.
In fact, it should really be you who ultimately plans the whole thing, with your partner supporting you through that process while simultaneously working to ensure your safety as well.
Of course, it is also important to respect your partner in all of this as well. After all, you are in a relationship together and they will be involved in the gang bang too (whether participating or observing). So, if your partner is uncomfortable with certain acts, or certain guests, then I strongly encourage you to be considerate of that.
I understand that this might seem overwhelming, and I don’t mean for any of it to outright discourage you. It takes work, but when done thoughtfully, safely, and considerately of those involved, these experiences have the potential to be incredibly rewarding and thrilling for everyone.
Best of luck to you both in seeing this fantasy fulfilled!
Love and kisses!
The advice offered in Ask Mx Nillin posts are intended for informational purposes only. Use of this feature is NOT intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional services. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this piece are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This piece, its author, Mx Nillin, and this blog, www.mxnillin.worpdpress.com, are NOT responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for y