MxNillin’s Crash Pad Series Site Review

Navigating adult entertainment as a gender diverse individual, either online or offline, can be a pretty dehumanizing and disheartening experience much of the time. While I can find a lot of content featuring trans women performers with ease, unfortunately, practically ALL of it is laced in blatantly transphobic and transmisogynistic terminology. Go to any major porn site, or any adult video store, and the vast majority of adult videos or films market their trans performers as “shemales”, “ladyboys”, “trannys”, “he/she”, etc.

In her XO Jane piece entitled “I Am A Porn Star Asking the Porn Industry To Stop Using the Term ‘Shemale’“, Chelsea Poe explains why use of these terms in pornography are harmful to trans performers, producers, viewers, and gender diverse individuals in general:

For most of us it’s our first exposure to what trans-ness is. The terms that accompany our first exposure to trans women’s bodies are terms like “Shemale,” “Tranny” or “TS,” terms to pointedly shame those who have these bodies and those who are attracted to these bodies.

(…) The same terms that are used by these companies to depict our sexualities are the same slurs many trans women hear when they are being attacked.

Enter: Crash Pad Series, a trans-inclusive adult entertainment website from Pink & White Productions that doesn’t market itself through the harmful and degrading methods utilized by mainstream pornography sources.

Well known for its reputation as an ethical porn company, Pink & White Productions prides itself on creating sexy and exciting content that reflects today’s gender diversity and sexual fluidity. It comes as no surprise then that Crash Pad Series is widely considered the gold standard for queer-sex cinema with its collection of over 200 films featuring transgender, cisgender,  and non-binary performers of various races, appearances, sexualities, and (dis)abilities.

Episode 167, starring Chelsea Poe and Sugar Blair.
Episode 167, starring Chelsea Poe and Sugar Blair.

This past April I was afforded the opportunity to explore the site for a full month in exchange for a written review. Now that some time has passed I can confidently say that I have never seen pornography like this. Now that my trial subscription has lapsed… I miss it. I miss all of it.

Going back to the plethora of free tube sites chock full of stolen private videos and illegally uploaded professional porn scenes just highlights how incredibly important sites like Crash Pad Series are. Especially for gender and sexual diverse performers, producers, directors, and viewers who must otherwise navigate an overwhelmingly abusive, degrading, transphobic, homophobic, and cissexist industry and marketplace.

These conditions contribute to toxicity on numerous levels that I, for one, certainly still feel the effects of today.

As a non-binary trans and pansexual individual, I have LONG struggled with enjoying my sexuality. In fact, I struggle with even seeing myself as a sexual being at all. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy sex, or that I haven’t had great sex and many really exciting sexual experiences over the years, because I definitely have. However, I still have a lot of trouble fully embracing myself in the bedroom be it while masturbating or engaging in intercourse with others.

As each item of clothing comes off I tend to feel less and less femme, less and less myself, and, ultimately, less and less attractive. I see my dress, bra, bra inserts, leggings, and panties on the floor and I am forced to face this body that I feel so unhappy and disconnected from. The body hair, the flat chest, the broad shoulders, the square jawline and stubble on my face; all of it just becomes so apparent when I am naked and it can sometimes be difficult to fully involve myself in sex when I am so hyper-aware of these things.

At the best of times, I’m uncertain of what to do with my body and I still harbor a lot of shame about my sexual interests. Anal play, pet play, cum play, bondage, and rough sex are all activities that I desire yet a lifetimes worth of internalized transphobia, homophobia, and sex shame continues to keep me from embracing any of these interests.

It is those very internalized feelings of self-hatred that pornography generally has a tendency to feed into, rather than challenge. How can one be expected to see themselves as desirable to others, as worthy of pleasure, or as a sexual being when their only exposure to gender diversity in sexual situations is through “tranny” porn; which treats trans women like bizarre fetishes for cis men to enjoy as a novelty fuck?

Spending a month exploring Crash Pad Series proved to be the opportunity that I needed to FINALLY challenge some of those negative perspectives that I had of myself and to begin unpacking some of my baggage; which has been overflowing with sexual shame and anxiety for far too long.

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Episode 137, starring Jade Phillips and James Darling.

It also allowed me the opportunity to discover brand new ways that I could have sex with my partner, that I could explore my body, and discover pleasures. So many of the episodes and films on Crash Pad Series feature a diverse range of sex acts, from fisting to a myriad of types of BDSM play, that I rarely see presented as passionately and playfully as seen here.

I do wish that there were more category options for the videos though as currently there are just six: ejaculation, rough, fisting, anal, strap-on, and BDSM. Ones for oral and masturbation, for example, would be nice.

In fact, I would love to see more solo masturbation videos in general on the site. Especially, given how outstanding the couple I did watch were. [Solo vids featuring the likes of Joey Minx, Carson, and Jessica Creepshow, would be incredible… just saying.]

For me, masturbation videos are more than pornography. In many ways they are actually masturbatory aids for me as I find it profoundly affirming and exciting to see individuals with a similar body as mine exploring themselves. Through masturbation videos I have discovered new ways to use my hands, learned about new toys to utilize in creative ways, and new positions to expand the pleasures available to me. So more of that content would be awesome!

Additionally, I was a little disappointed that with a blog section on the site there weren’t a lot of articles on there. It would be really cool to read advice posts on, like, taking sexy photos of your partner(s), or nude selfies for your lover(s), or even pointers from the stars on producing your own sex videos. Maybe even some performer spotlight pieces, product reviews and recommendations from performers, and just some general personal pieces from some of the performers willing to share about their kinks or experiences.

There were the odd posts similar to that in the blog section but they seemed pretty infrequent and I wish there were more shared perspectives of queer-sex from those involved with this outstanding site.

But overall, these few criticisms do not substantially take away from how amazing Crash Pad Series is.

Episode 20: Sweet Tea's Solo
Episode 20: Sweet Tea’s Solo

 

Going back to Chelsea Poe’s XO Jane piece:

To write porn off as a fantasy that has no real life impact is extremely wrong because it is de-facto trans education for both trans women and the people who are attracted to trans bodies.

And that is EXACTLY what Crash Pad Series does so beautifully episode after episode after episode. It educates. It is exciting and sexy, all while also being incredibly informative and affirming.

At no point during my time exploring the site did I ever feel uncomfortable or unappreciated as a trans and queer viewer; which is more than I can say of literally any free site out there.

So, while $119.88 for a year’s subscription may feel a little steep for some, believe me when I say that it is worth it. Especially for any gender and/or sexually diverse readers out there looking for great porn that’s also genuinely queer-positive.

I’ll be renewing my subscription ASAP.

NOTE: Thursday updates will be re-posts from mxnillin.wordpress.com, which was permanently suspended by WordPress for due to their anti-porn and anti-sex work policies. This post was originally published on June 6, 2016. Read the full story here!

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Closets, Sex, and Closet Sex

My heart pounded in my chest as he leaned past me to close his closet door. We sat on our bent legs, facing each other, so that our eyes were level. He was excited, and so was I.

“You be the girl, okay?” he said.

I felt his hands slide around my waist, pulling both himself and me forward so that we were sitting upright on our knees.

“Okay.” I said, just as our bodies touched and his lips pressed against mine.

I closed my eyes. His grip tightened around my waist. My arms moved on their own, instinctively draping over his shoulders. Both of us shuddered. A mix of nervousness and excitement washed over me as I melted against him.


 

Looking back on it, I think that it is hilarious that one of the most defining queer moments of my life literally happened IN a closet.

*Ben [name has been changed to protect identity] was my childhood friend. We spent a lot of time together and though I can never quite remember the exact timeline of our experimentation with each other, the details of that closet kiss have really stuck with me to this day.

I recently wrote a piece for the Crash Pad Series blog called “How Learning About Queer Sex Taught Me Self-Love“, which allowed me the opportunity to think back to my friendship with Ben and reflect a little bit on the significance of my experiences with him. How I felt when he kissed me, when he held me, when he touched me, shattered my little, uninformed universe.

And the years that followed were pretty intense.

There were the years of secretly dressing in femme clothes, terrified of somebody finding out and confused about why I felt so amazing when I put them on. The years of frustration and overwhelming anxiety while crushing on classmates of all genders. The years of sneaking out of my house to suck a stranger’s cock in their car, completely ignorant to the dangers of those random hook-ups. The years of deeply destructive self-hatred and shame, that nearly destroyed me completely. And, most recently, the year’s of healing, acceptance, understanding, and devoting myself to practicing self-love.

Today, I am out as a mega-queer, non-monogamous, andro-babe who is looking at starting hormone replacement therapy in the very near future and is currently on track to begin a career in the field of sex education and blogging.

Did Ben identify as queer? Did he ever come out? Were his experiences with me as transformative as my experiences with him were? Did he experiment with more people with penises after me? Was I his first in a long string of queer sex encounters and love affairs? Did he ever talk about me to new romantic or sexual partners?

Did he struggle with his gender too?

Who is he today?

I was curious. So, a couple of days ago I looked him up on Facebook; which was a little difficult because he has one of those names that a lot of people have with ever so slightly different spelling variations. But I knew I had the right person as soon as I saw his face.

It was his eyes; and that grin. Both were exactly as I had remembered.

It didn’t take me long scrolling through his wall though to see just how different our experiences were. In fact, aside form a mutual interest in comic books we really didn’t have anything in common. But he looked fulfilled, and that was pretty awesome to see.

So, that’s it really. Sometimes you don’t get the answers you’re looking for because in the end they’re just not necessary. I didn’t need to know what I meant to him, or the details of his life’s journey. What happened between us happened, but he’s not obligated to feel the same way about it that I do. Maybe I was just an experience for him. A distant and hazy memory of radical self-exploration.

Whatever he remembers, or doesn’t, it’s all good. He looks happy.


 

Ben, you’ll probably never see this (especially since you never knew me as Nillin), but thank you for the memorable sleepovers and make-out practice. Glad to see that you’re still a lifetime Ninja Turtles fan. I am too.

Love, Nillin

NOTE: Thursday updates will be re-posts from mxnillin.wordpress.com, which was permanently suspended by WordPress for due to their anti-porn and anti-sex work policies. This post was originally published on August 30, 2016. Please read the announcement post to learn more.

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How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Non-Binary Queer Folk

One of the single biggest questions that has been on my mind ever since I came to understand myself as queer and genderqueer is: how the hell do I sexy!?

Seriously. What IS “sexy” for non-binary and genderqueer folk? Can we even be sexy, or is that only for peeps who identify within the binary?

I mean, just consider for a moment exactly how “sex appeal” and attractiveness is presented throughout society. You don’t really need to look much further than whats playing on your television, or at any of the ad campaigns for lingerie stores like Victoria’s Secret and Calvin Klein, to see that it’s all binary and predominantly cis. Ripped masculine men and thin feminine women. That’s the ideal.

Even within LGBTQIA+ spaces, the gender binary perseveres. Most all discussions, education, resources, and narratives focus around gay men, lesbian women, bisexual men and women, trans women, trans men, and so on and so forth.

As a genderqueer person I’ve long struggled with seeing myself as a sexual being at all because I have always been taught that sex happens between binary genders. From sex education to mainstream porn, even in sex art and erotica, it’s all predominantly cis men and women. Sure, some sites do delve into the trans demographic, however, in most cases they are generally laced in ignorance and transphobic slurs are widely utilized as degrading marketing gimmicks. And even when there are self-identified trans performers they are always presented through heavily binarist lenses.

So, dysphoria has long reigned supreme in the bedroom for me as I struggle to feel comfortable and sexy in my own skin. But all is not lost! Here are a few tips from this non-binary queer to any of you enbys out there struggling with feeling sexy in the big shitty sea of cisnormative and binarist sexuality:

 

Keep It On!

Does wearing your binder make you feel more confident in yourself and happier with you body during sexy times? Then leave it on!

Does wearing a comfy dress and a cute bra make you feel sexier and more comfortable? Then don’t take them off!

Super surprising thing that I only recently fully realized (despite it now seeming quite obviously in retrospect): you don’t actually have to get completely naked in order to have sex. In fact, some of the times that I have felt the most banging have been when my partner just hiked my dress up, pulled my panties off, and rode my girl cock hard right then and there. Often times I don’t even get undressed to masturbate as I find that keeping on my bra, a cute top, and nice flowy skirt makes me feel super queer and sexy as fuck while I’m getting off.

So, if you need to wear makeup, or a bra, or your binder, or your underwear, or a skirt, or dress, or a muscle shirt, or your packer, in order to feel comfortable and sexy, then do it!

crashpadseries-ep-222
Crash Pad Series Episode-222 [featuring Joey Minx and Freya Wynn]

 

Set Boundaries and Communicate Needs

Does somebody touching your boobs make you feel super dysphoric? Does penetrative sex make you feel very uncomfortable? Do you really dislike too much focus on your genitalia? Good news! You don’t have to do any of those things if you don’t want to. Communicate with your sexual partner(s) what does and doesn’t make you feel good, discuss your sexual needs, and set healthy boundaries so that everybody involved feels safe and is having fun.

Sidenote: If the person(s) you are about to get intimate works to intimidate, coerce, guilt, or threaten you into having sex in ways you don’t feel comfortable, please keep safe and consider removing yourself from that relationship.

 

Queer Up Your Vocabulary

Play with terminology, create new terms that work for you, try out different terms of endearment, etc.

My partner and I enjoy some pretty rough sex and BDSM play fairly regularly but one of the biggest struggles at first was BDSM language because everything is so heavily gendered to be about “Daddy”, “Sir”, “Mistress”, “Princess”, etc. As we’re both genderqueer, non-binary folk we had to get creative with dominance and submission titles. When I’m in dom mode my partner refers to me as “Mxtress” (pronounced mix-tress), and when I’m in sub mode I’ve been playing with being called “Pet” or “Toy”.

Might not sound that creative but I also love just being called “slut” when I’m being roughly used or bound.

Ultimately, the sexual terms and vocabulary that you and your partner(s) use don’t need to be justified to anybody else in order for it to be valid. Use the words, terms, titles, labels, etc. that feel right to you and/or your partner(s)!

 

Watch Queer Porn

And no, I’m not talking about the gay or lesbian porn you find for free on Pornhub. Most of that shit is about as “queer” as The Conjuring 2 is “a true story”. And I’m certainly not talking about all of the porn featuring trans people that is marketed through transphobic slurs for cis people to get off on. I’m talking sites like The Crash Pad Series, FTM Fucker, and Aja Porn Films.

crash-pad-ep-219
Crash Pad Series Episode-219 [featuring Eros LaFemme and Chocolate Chip]

 

Follow Trans, Enby, and Genderqueer Sex or Porn Blogs

Seriously, there’s soooooo much awesome, free amateur queer porn on Tumblr with endless ideas for practices that you might like applying to your own sex life. Like, oodles of it. Unfortunately, due to Tumblr’s crack downs on pornographic content, they’re a lot harder to find as search results will not yield the results you seek. Dropping some terms in Google search is the way to go. But once you find one, they all just sort of line-up together through notes and re-blogs.

A great starting place is Transqueersxxx. The blog is actually curated by trans and enby identified admins and the photos submitted come from gender diverse folk of all identities, expressions, and bodies. It’s fuckin’ magical. If you see a user you really like, be sure to read the comments along with the post to see if they have a full Tumblr page linked that you can follow for more queer body positive pics.

Sidenote: I’ve submitted nudes here myself so don’t be surprised if you see me flashing my girl cock during your perusal of the posts there.

 

Hopefully at least some of this helps in your exploration of what makes you feel hot as fuck!

Special thanks and a shout out to The Crash Pad Series for permission to use a few pictures from their shoots!

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