Mx Nillin

Welcome to the third installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a new blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

So far I’ve walked in the path of Jason Biggs by having my way with some warm apple pie, then I went the complete opposite direction and got it on with a whole lot of jell-o [28 servings to be exact]. Both were… pretty awful. The pie was super fucking stressful with all of these hot pockets of molten apple goo to navigate even after you think you’ve left it to cool for long enough. And the Jell-O? Oh god… it’s like having sex with the cold corpse of Flubber. Do NOT recommend.

Regardless, though, as much as I’ve ranted about it please know that I am having fun with this new series and I’m pretty stoked about this installment’s item due to the potential for an actual orgasm happening.

At the end of THIS posts you’ll find another poll listing other items I’m curious about penetrating. The item that gets the most votes, by next Friday April 28, 2017, will be what I buy and fuck next!

But enough of all that, let’s get to why you’re here. After the last post was a poll for what y’all wanted me to fuck next, and the results have spoken:

That’s right, I’mma fuck a PB&J sandwich.

How Much Does It Cost to Fuck It?

Do you have peanut butter in your cupboard, jam in your fridge, and some bread on your counter (or frozen in your freezer)? Yes? Awesome. Then this fucktoy has already been paid for. Booya!

If you don’t have all of these ingredients then it’s off to the store with you where, unsurprisingly, costs will vary tremendously depending on the grocery chain, product brand, your location, and potential sales or discounts going on.

I am confident in saying that you can likely do this for $10 or less though; which is great when you consider that you’ll get multiple uses out of all this, only having to replenish bread as you go through it/it expires.

So, yay!

Total cost: $10-ish (Canadian) for initial bread and condiments.

NOTE: make sure that you buy the smooth peanut butter, do NOT buy chunky. Jagged chunks of nuts + your tender shaft = bad news bears. Just don’t fucking do it.

How Much Prep Will This Take?

Have you ever made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before? That much prep…

I gotta say though, This shit is an ART.

It’s all about balance. Having the right bread and the right ratio of peanut butter to jelly really will make all of the difference here in regards to everything from the overall enjoyment to clean-up afterward.

Go with the wrong kind of bread (ie; cheap no-name stuff) and that thing will be falling apart in your hands after just a couple of jerks. Have too much peanut butter on there and you’ll be tearing that bread up, PLUS struggling with clumps of the stuff stuck in your pubes. Have too much jelly and more will be oozing out onto the floor than serving as effective lubricant for your sandwich fucking session.

But with a little patience, and some trial and error, there is the potential here for some genuinely great ‘bating.

What Is It Like to Fuck?

Not that bad, actually! Like, no jokes, it felt pretty fucking great to be honest. There were legit several points I felt like I could cum from this and had I been 17 again I’d probably be splurting into this thing within moments.

I was surprised that the Wonder Bread held up pretty well. I started off thrusting into it slowly, taking my time to experiment with the best way to hold it and actually felt myself getting pretty close to an orgasm. Here’s the thing though: bread is like a sponge. It soaks up that jelly and no matter how slow you take it, eventually, it’s going to get soggy and break down.

Also, it looks fucking ridiculous. I mean, look:

That’s a dick in a sandwich… it’s just not sexy. Feels great! Looks silly as fuck… and yeah, that kinda kills the mood a bit so, I guess, don’t look at it and think of something that’s not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

A MUCH better alternative though is french bread.

Not only is there more bread to work with but it is much heartier, easier to hold, and feels closer to being like a masturbation sleeve than anything else I’ve fucked so far in this series.

Definitely keep a lot of extra jelly on hand to reapply for lube as needed though… because you WILL need it. This shit dries up fast.

The clean-up on this is a pain in the ass too. Not only was there leaked jelly all over the floor but even with careful consideration my girl cock, lady balls, black lace panties, and tank top, were a MESS. Peanut butter everywhere, ya’ll.

So, this one didn’t get me off either. You know what though?

6 out of 10, would try fucking again.

But now it’s time to move on and vote for what I stick my girl cock in next! Don’t forget this poll closes on Friday April 28, 2017.

[CW: girl cock and gelatin, NSFW]

Welcome to the second installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a new blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

A couple of weeks ago I got myself a nice apple pie, warmed it up in an oven, and then made sweet, sticky love to it… it sucked, but I think we all learned something from it. Maybe. Or maybe nobody learned anything, I dunno. The take away here is that I do not recommend using pie as a masturbatory aid.

Luckily, there are so many things to try and fuck still!

At the end of THIS posts you’ll find another poll listing other items I’m curious about penetrating. The item that gets the most votes, by next Friday March 31, 2017, will be what I buy and fuck next!

But enough of all that, let’s get to why you’re here. After the last post, there was a poll too, and for reasons I can only assume were motivated by sheer hatred, ya’ll chose Jello.

Here’s what you need to know about that!

How Much Will It Cost to Fuck It?

Jell-O is cheap as fuck, ya’ll. All depends on how many packs you get, if it’s on sale, and if you get the no-name or brand name stuff. For one of those 4-serving boxes you’re probably looking at anywhere from .25¢ to, what.. $2.00 each? Whatever. I don’t care.

Anyway, I ended up buying 3 boxes of green Jell-O and 2 boxes of yellow Jell-O at $1.70 each. My partner also grabbed a really nice bunt cake pan for $7.95 because they wanted one and I wanted to try doing it with a fancy Jell-O mould.

I mean, sure, I could have gone for the 39¢ packs then driven around town to find a cheap gelatin mould but we wanted a goddamn bunt cake pan and if I’m going to stick my girl cock into a gelatinous blob then that shit is gonna be J-E-L-L-O!

So, in total, we spent about $16.00 to do this.

Don’t do that. Seriously. I can confidently say that if, for whatever reason, you want to fuck Jell-O, you can buy a single 4-serving box for, like, 50¢ and make that in a tall glass or a bowl and boom, there you go.

Total cost: $1.00 to $20.00, I guess, if you’re me. (Canadian)

How Much Prep Will This Take?

It’s fucking Jell-O.

Open the pack then dump that shit into whatever container you want to hold it while you’re fucking it, follow the incredibly simple instructions on the box, then stick it in the fridge and forget about it for a few hours.

It’s fucking Jell-O.

What Is It Like to Fuck?

Genuinely awful.

It’s cold, it’s sticky, it drips frigid sugar goo everywhere, falls apart easily and is simply not at all conducive to sexy times. Not to mention my girl cock was fucking numb ya’ll and no amount of jerking off, or thinking sexy thoughts, helped in that situation.

I got hard once at the beginning, just before fucking the Jell-O mould from the bunt cake pan, and once after taking a 15 minute break from that shit show just before trying to force my dick into the glass of Jell-O.

Here’s the thing though, peeps. Surface tension. It takes an unenjoyable amount of effort to force your dick in this stuff.

For the mould, I slid a butter knife into the side of it to make, like, a fuck tunnel for me to penetrate.

Okay. I’m gonna be straight up here. The prospect of fucking Flubber to begin with was NOT sexually exciting to me. So trying to make my girl cock erect enough to slip in that sticky heap was just not happening. Luckily, my partner is super supportive and they stepped up to whisper dirty talk in my ear while giving me a handjob in the kitchen. Schwing!

Finally, raging erection in hand, I dipped my dick in and you know what? For a split second it kinda felt like this COULD feel pretty- oh wait, nope. No. It’s not good.

The cold.

It’s just… it’s a boner killer. And I’m Canadian! I KNOW cold. I’ve experienced -50 degree Celcius winter days. Hell I’ve masturbated outdoors in, like, -30 degrees Celsius.

But this was different. This wasn’t me rubbing one out over a snow bank with a nice cloth glove on my hand. I’m actually fairly positive that this is what sex with Slimer would be like.

One full thrust in and that raging erection my partner helped me get was gone.

And my balls, oh god… they were so cold from slapping the side of that crap that they retreated inside of my body to places I don’t think they’ve ever been before. And they stayed there, for a disconcerting amount of time afterward.

I seriously thought they might never come out again. I mean, can that happen?? Can your testicles get so cold they ascend to the point of no return??

[Note: My balls are BACK ya’ll! I’ve since apologized to Sarah and Helena and they’re happily dangling between my smooth thighs once again.]

Remember the cup of Jell-O I mentioned before? Yeah, well, that wasn’t great either. Here’s my shriveled, sad penis wondering what it did wrong for me to subject it to this awfulness.

This is what real life masturbation with ridiculous things looks like folks. Sometimes it’s not so glamorous. Okay, I’m done talking about this.

2 out of 10. I’d rather fuck a pie again.

Okay let’s just vote for the next thing. It’s all warm or room temperature cause fuuuuuuuck that.