How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Non-Binary Queer Folk

One of the single biggest questions that has been on my mind ever since I came to understand myself as queer and genderqueer is: how the hell do I sexy!?

Seriously. What IS “sexy” for non-binary and genderqueer folk? Can we even be sexy, or is that only for peeps who identify within the binary?

I mean, just consider for a moment exactly how “sex appeal” and attractiveness is presented throughout society. You don’t really need to look much further than whats playing on your television, or at any of the ad campaigns for lingerie stores like Victoria’s Secret and Calvin Klein, to see that it’s all binary and predominantly cis. Ripped masculine men and thin feminine women. That’s the ideal.

Even within LGBTQIA+ spaces, the gender binary perseveres. Most all discussions, education, resources, and narratives focus around gay men, lesbian women, bisexual men and women, trans women, trans men, and so on and so forth.

As a genderqueer person I’ve long struggled with seeing myself as a sexual being at all because I have always been taught that sex happens between binary genders. From sex education to mainstream porn, even in sex art and erotica, it’s all predominantly cis men and women. Sure, some sites do delve into the trans demographic, however, in most cases they are generally laced in ignorance and transphobic slurs are widely utilized as degrading marketing gimmicks. And even when there are self-identified trans performers they are always presented through heavily binarist lenses.

So, dysphoria has long reigned supreme in the bedroom for me as I struggle to feel comfortable and sexy in my own skin. But all is not lost! Here are a few tips from this non-binary queer to any of you enbys out there struggling with feeling sexy in the big shitty sea of cisnormative and binarist sexuality:

 

Keep It On!

Does wearing your binder make you feel more confident in yourself and happier with you body during sexy times? Then leave it on!

Does wearing a comfy dress and a cute bra make you feel sexier and more comfortable? Then don’t take them off!

Super surprising thing that I only recently fully realized (despite it now seeming quite obviously in retrospect): you don’t actually have to get completely naked in order to have sex. In fact, some of the times that I have felt the most banging have been when my partner just hiked my dress up, pulled my panties off, and rode my girl cock hard right then and there. Often times I don’t even get undressed to masturbate as I find that keeping on my bra, a cute top, and nice flowy skirt makes me feel super queer and sexy as fuck while I’m getting off.

So, if you need to wear makeup, or a bra, or your binder, or your underwear, or a skirt, or dress, or a muscle shirt, or your packer, in order to feel comfortable and sexy, then do it!

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Crash Pad Series Episode-222 [featuring Joey Minx and Freya Wynn]

 

Set Boundaries and Communicate Needs

Does somebody touching your boobs make you feel super dysphoric? Does penetrative sex make you feel very uncomfortable? Do you really dislike too much focus on your genitalia? Good news! You don’t have to do any of those things if you don’t want to. Communicate with your sexual partner(s) what does and doesn’t make you feel good, discuss your sexual needs, and set healthy boundaries so that everybody involved feels safe and is having fun.

Sidenote: If the person(s) you are about to get intimate works to intimidate, coerce, guilt, or threaten you into having sex in ways you don’t feel comfortable, please keep safe and consider removing yourself from that relationship.

 

Queer Up Your Vocabulary

Play with terminology, create new terms that work for you, try out different terms of endearment, etc.

My partner and I enjoy some pretty rough sex and BDSM play fairly regularly but one of the biggest struggles at first was BDSM language because everything is so heavily gendered to be about “Daddy”, “Sir”, “Mistress”, “Princess”, etc. As we’re both genderqueer, non-binary folk we had to get creative with dominance and submission titles. When I’m in dom mode my partner refers to me as “Mxtress” (pronounced mix-tress), and when I’m in sub mode I’ve been playing with being called “Pet” or “Toy”.

Might not sound that creative but I also love just being called “slut” when I’m being roughly used or bound.

Ultimately, the sexual terms and vocabulary that you and your partner(s) use don’t need to be justified to anybody else in order for it to be valid. Use the words, terms, titles, labels, etc. that feel right to you and/or your partner(s)!

 

Watch Queer Porn

And no, I’m not talking about the gay or lesbian porn you find for free on Pornhub. Most of that shit is about as “queer” as The Conjuring 2 is “a true story”. And I’m certainly not talking about all of the porn featuring trans people that is marketed through transphobic slurs for cis people to get off on. I’m talking sites like The Crash Pad Series, FTM Fucker, and Aja Porn Films.

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Crash Pad Series Episode-219 [featuring Eros LaFemme and Chocolate Chip]

 

Follow Trans, Enby, and Genderqueer Sex or Porn Blogs

Seriously, there’s soooooo much awesome, free amateur queer porn on Tumblr with endless ideas for practices that you might like applying to your own sex life. Like, oodles of it. Unfortunately, due to Tumblr’s crack downs on pornographic content, they’re a lot harder to find as search results will not yield the results you seek. Dropping some terms in Google search is the way to go. But once you find one, they all just sort of line-up together through notes and re-blogs.

A great starting place is Transqueersxxx. The blog is actually curated by trans and enby identified admins and the photos submitted come from gender diverse folk of all identities, expressions, and bodies. It’s fuckin’ magical. If you see a user you really like, be sure to read the comments along with the post to see if they have a full Tumblr page linked that you can follow for more queer body positive pics.

Sidenote: I’ve submitted nudes here myself so don’t be surprised if you see me flashing my girl cock during your perusal of the posts there.

 

Hopefully at least some of this helps in your exploration of what makes you feel hot as fuck!

Special thanks and a shout out to The Crash Pad Series for permission to use a few pictures from their shoots!

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Bathrooms and Being Non-Binary

Here I am on an average Monday. My hair is all messy, pulled back into pigtails, and I have visible stubble on my face because I haven’t shaved for 2-days.

I am well aware that I do not “pass”. Even I acknowledge that while I am quite femme in how I dress, I by no means meet the standards or expectations that cis people have of how trans people “should” look.

For those who know me very well, this isn’t surprising because unlike the trans individuals that are regularly featured in bathroom selfies, in trans activism graphics, or throughout news and social media in general, I am non-binary.

If you don’t know what that means, it’s okay. Society is largely fed gender, as well as trans visibility, through a binary lens of striclty “feminine” and “masculine”, “woman” and “man”, or “female” and “male”. Non-binary, genderqueer, or gender diverse individuals, on the other hand, live their lives with gender identities and/or gender expressions that are not exclusively masculine or feminine. They exist somewhere between, or even completely outside of, the gender binary and cisnormativity (the social, political, and institutionally reinforced assumption that all human beings are cisgender, or, wanting to be perceived as cisgender).

Honestly, I have no desire to pass at all. My transition has largely been social up to this point but it will soon include some combination of HRT (hormone replacement therapy), laser hair removal, and/or breast augmentation.

Overall, how I identify and express my gender will continue to be non-binary even as I make the changes to my body that I need in order for me to be happy and healthy in it. It really is that simple.

So, to summarize: while I am rather femme, and my body WILL physically change to have breasts and less body hair, I am not a “woman” or a “man” and I will not identify, or seek to pass, as either of those identities.

I know that all of this is very hard for many cisgender, and even many binary trans people, to understand. But the truth is that I don’t need you to understand. What I need is for you to acknowledge the simple fact that everybody is built differently.

You don’t have to get it. Just respect that I know my body and gender better than you do… and I need to poop.

 

In fact, everybody needs to poop… except for maybe Kim Jong-Un, who is said not to poop… and who supposedly also talks to dolphins.

But everybody else does and that includes two-spirit, non-binary, genderqueer, bigender, gender fluid, agender, and gender nonconforming people.

Problem is that as cis people loose their collective minds about trans people in public washrooms, trans advocates and activists almost exclusively rely on images of cis-passing binary trans folk as their playing card to (A) convince cis people that trans people are just like them, and (B) convince cis people that trans people are not scary or dangerous.

Meanwhile, non-cis-passing trans people, as well as everybody who identifies between or outside of the gender binary, continue to face profound amounts of harassment and violence in public washrooms. Further, they usually find themselves at the center of the struggle as cis people use them as a reason to keep all trans people out of bathrooms, while advocates and activists seem more concerned with asserting that “trans women are women” rather than showing actual support or solidarity for those who don’t fit the binary.

So, while I don’t speak for all  two-spirit, non-binary, genderqueer, bigender, gender fluid, agender, and gender nonconforming people, here are some things that I need from fellow trans advocates and activists:

 

1. I need trans advocacy and activism to stop ignoring (and making excuses for ignoring) the existence of two-spirit, non-binary, genderqueer, bigender, gender fluid, agender, and gender nonconforming people.

Aria Ehren wrote: “If visibility is indeed the path to acceptance, then we need visibility that improves the lives of all transgender people. What we’re getting right now falls far short of the mark. The ‘tipping point’ won’t truly have been reached until that occurs.”

If years from now when, perhaps, public discourse has shifted from its current state of outrage to one of acceptance for trans people in public washrooms… but only binary gendered, passing individuals are being accepted by the cisgender and heterosexual majority… than what good has that really done for the trans community as a whole.

Which leads to…

 

 

2. I need trans advocacy and activism to be intersectional, and to stop reinforcing harmful gender norms and cisnormativity through almost exclusively presenting white, cisgender “passing” trans women and trans men as the standard for gender diversity; or, as the single most at risk individuals in public washrooms.

Ashe McGovern wrote: “For trans people of color, who are generally overpoliced and surveilled, as well as feminine-presenting people who don’t “pass” as men or women, racist, femme-phobic, and sexist acts of violence can feel like an inevitable risk with every trip to the bathroom — or elsewhere.”

In summation: placing white, able-bodied, binary, cis-passing trans men and trans women at the center of advocacy and activism against anti-trans bathroom bills is an immense disservice to gender diverse people experiencing racism, ableism, or more, in addition to transphobia.

We should be universally condemning gender policing under all circumstances, not framing acceptance as white, passing, and binary. Which leads to…

 

3. I need bathroom activism selfies to stop reinforcing the notion that trans people only deserve respect and privacy in binary gendered public washrooms when they visually “pass” as cis enough to be deemed worthy of “belonging in there”.

Ashe McGovern said of bathroom politics selfies: “… these visual tactics reinforce the idea that one can determine by looking at a person in which bathroom that individual ‘belongs.’ This places masculine-presenting women, feminine-presenting men, and nonpassing, nonbinary, or gender-nonconforming people who, like all humans, need to use the bathroom, at even greater risk.”

And that’s a big problem. Rather than saying: “gender policing is wrong and dangerous for everybody,” bathroom politics selfies almost exclusively frame debate around how gender policing legislation is problematic because it affects white, binary cis-passing trans people who are being forced into the “wrong” bathroom. It’s far too narrow a perspective.

The next time somebody brings up a non-passing person as justification for anti-trans bathroom policies or bills, rather than circumventing discussion of that individual take the time to acknowledge that they deserve to safely use the washroom that best aligns with their identity too. No passing required.

 

 

4. Most importantly, I need to be able to use the washroom without being relentlessly insulted, harassed, intimidated, or threatened; all because I don’t pass enough to take a dump in any gendered washrooms.

If all of this is starting to sound a little repetitive, good. Please read it again, and again, and again, because I cannot stress enough how important all of this is.

The methods employed so far by most trans activists and advocates are simply falling way short.

 


 

 

 

 

This post was featured on Schmutzie.com’s Five Star Mixtape for May 4, 2016.

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