4 Tips To Manage Jealousy and Insecurity in Queer Non-Monogamy

I know that my partner loves me very much.

I know from how they cuddle up to me every night as I fall asleep. I know from how they tenderly kiss me awake every morning. I know from how they help me pick out clothes on days that I feel particularly dysphoric. I know from how they constantly tell me how proud they are of me about everything from doing something cool in a video game to achieving a goal I’ve been working toward.

Yet there have still been times when I have felt so insecure about myself that it manifests as jealousy, irritability, self-isolation, co-dependancy, and even a drop in sex drive. This especially comes into play with our non-monogamy in that when I am feeling particularly insecure I often become jealous or worried about the people my partner is flirting with, or sexting with, or sending nudes too, despite previously consenting to those non-monogamous boundaries and activities. Vulnerability tends to pull those feelings and fears out at times.

However, while those emotions, and the insecurity that led to them, are valid it is important not to project those struggles unfairly onto my partner.  

So, how do I deal? Well, here are 4 tips for ways that I have found most effective for facing my insecurities or feelings of jealousy in a healthy way:

 

Tip #1: Talk About It

Yep! While it is true that communication and honesty is important to any form of relationship, it is arguably even MORE important in non-monogamous ones given the emotional, physical, and sexual complexities at play with multiple autonomous individuals to consider.  So, if you have the capacity for it, talk about your jealousy. Acknowledge it and work through it with your partner(s).

Of course, that’s often easier said than done for many. Things such as anxiety and depression are perfectly valid reasons for why bringing up these conversations can be especially difficult. However, I’m still a big advocate of talking things through, when possible.

Not only will doing so allow you to unpack what is really behind those jealous feelings but sharing in that process with your partner(s) and/or lover(s) is great way at reaffirming trust, honesty, and communication.

 

Tip #2: Re-asses Your Boundaries Often

Regardless of the structure of your non-monogamous relationship(s), boundaries play a very, very important role in ensuring that everyone involved feels comfortable, safe, and respected. In monogamous relationships, boundaries tend revolve around two individuals committing to exclusive emotional, romantic, and sexual bonds with each other. In non-monogamous relationships, boundaries aren’t always so straightforward.

Maybe it was agreed that non-monogamy for you and your partner meant just having the occasional threesome. Maybe it means that sharing nudes and sexting with friends and/or strangers online is cool. Maybe it means that oral sex with others is cool, but penetrative sex is off the table. Maybe it means that either of you can have sex with whoever you like, however you like, but you remain emotionally monogamous with only each other. Or maybe non-monogamy for you is a complex series of emotional and/or sexual relationships with people who you may or may not live with, perhaps not even within the same city.  

When relationship boundaries are crossed, like your partner having sex with your friend while you were at work even though you both expressly agreed to not have sex without you both being present, then this naturally makes people feel jealous because of actions that challenged their comfort or safety.

If you feel that a boundary has been crossed, whatever that boundary may have been, it is of the utmost importance that a conversation about that occurs with your partner(s) as soon as possible! During said convo be sure to assess if everyone’s sexual or romantic needs have changed and, if so, do your relationship boundaries need to be re-considered.

NOTE: There is a very big difference between re-thinking relationship boundaries with your partner(s) vs. feeling pressured into agreeing with boundaries that make you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and/or disregarded.

 

Tip #3: Prioritize Self-Care When Needed

As a chubby, hairy, queer, proudly non-passing androbabe [who sometimes just identifies as “trans”, or, non-binary, for the convenience of cis people], I struggle a lot with feeling attractive in a world that constantly works to blatantly affirm that anyone visibly trans or queer is disgusting and abnormal. Sounds harsh, but it’s true and one need not look much further than the past 25-years of blatant transphobia in film or even most of those “cringe compilation” videos all over YouTube that almost always present queer and trans peeps through a derogatory lens.

So yeah, it gets to people over time. I know it has for me, and there have absolutely been periods where I have internalized hateful public discourse about queer and trans folk to the point where it has made me feel incredibly insecure within my relationship. All sort of emotional responses can come from those insecurities and fears, from expressions of jealousy or dependence to irritability or anger.

That’s why it’s SUPER important to practice self-care on a regular basis. Be it reading a good book, having long baths, playing video games, listening to music, going for a walk, watching movies, watching porn, masturbating with your favorite toy (or your hands), hanging out at home naked, whatever, make sure to allow time for yourself to look after your own needs.

You deserve it, and you’re worth it.

Self-care for me is often just playing video games partially naked.

 

 

Tip #4: Take a Social Media Break

Coming directly out of the last tip: for any queer and trans folk who have spent substantial time online, reading the news, reading comments sections, following social activists of any kind, they’ll likely have some pretty rough stories to tell you about the anti-queer and anti-trans harassment, threats, hate speech, and general degradation they have likely both witnessed and been the target of themselves.

Transphobia and queerphobia remain extremely pronounced, and particularly vitriolic, not only across social media platforms but also within general public discourse, and especially politic heavy environments, on a whole. In this alt-right, neo-fascist, culturally regressive era of Trump it is an especially difficult time for marginalized folk as blatant bigotry and hate speech has once again become socially acceptable.

It’s an extremely well documented fact that individuals constantly exposed to hateful rhetoric, degrading comments, and negative perceptions of individuals such as themselves, tend to internalize it all. You hear so many people saying awful things about your sexuality, or your gender identity, and after hearing it for so long it has a nasty habit of burrowing inside you and rotting.

But let me tell you this: they’re NOT true. You’re not any of the things that ignorant bigots, hateful politicians, and faceless trolls say you are. Fuck ’em.

And if you need to take a break from it all, be it just for a few days, or a week, or even a month, then please do not hesitate to do so. Your true friends will keep in touch with you through this time and all your online connections will likely be there when you return. Unplugging for your mental wellness is valid.

 

So, how about the rest of you out there, what things have you found helpful in addressing insecurities or feelings of jealousy in your relationship(s)?

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How Non-Monogamy Looks to My Partner and I

My partner and I love fucking our friends.

I don’t really know how else to describe it other than just saying that trading nudes with, sexting, masturbating with, or inviting a friend to bed with us is as big a part of our sex life as doing those things with each other is. Not quite as frequent, maybe, but still, super important. Some people get it, most don’t, but ultimately we don’t care. We love it, we love each other, we love our friends, we’re all having fun, and we’re all keeping safe. So, winning!

One of the biggest things that my partner and I have come to realize though is that as much as our boundaries, fantasies, needs, and desires may shift and change with each other, or with our friends, from experience to experience, or even moment to moment, the one consistent is that communication has to be fucking TIGHT.

No, seriously. Like, air-fucking tight. We got this down to a science. My partner and I have verbal cues, hand signals, check-in measures, safewords, and even run a “lights system” of green means go, yellow means slow, and red means NO. We even inform and include our other sexual partners in these measures while also incorporating and adjusting to any of their communication needs as well.

My partner and I at the Taboo Convention 2016.

 

And even with all of that work, all that honesty and trust, it’s not always perfect. Sometimes miscommunications happen, confusing feels pop up, awkwardness ensues, discomforts arise, and boundaries suddenly shift mid-way through. But after everything, we always talk. We talk with each other. We talk with with our lovers. And then we talk some more.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this shit ain’t easy. Sure, it’s a lot of fun, and we enjoy ourselves, but if you and your partner are thinking of exploring non-monogamy you better be talking a LOT. Non-monogamy isn’t the free love explosion of massive house party orgies, gloryhole blowjobs, beach gangbangs, and endless, consequence free orgasms that pop culture and traditionalists and excited newbies alike seem to think it is. I mean, sure, all of those things ARE options if you and your partner(s) want them to be. But what I’m really getting at here is that non-monogamous relationships take just as much listening, communication, honesty, trust, teamwork, and respect, as any monogamous relationship does. In fact, in many cases I’ve found these things to be even MORE amplified in my non-monogamous marriage with my partner than they ever were in past relationships where, admittedly, a lot felt taken for granted.

And yes, all of this is far more complex than a single post can articulate but those discussions on relationship structures, complicated feels, unpacking jealousy, and more, are all bigger conversations for another time. This is just a peek behind our curtains. One that I hope shows you the importance of boundaries and communication in all non-monogamous activity.

So, what exactly does non-monogamy look like to my partner and I? Well, honestly, it’s really hard to pinpoint…

 

 

From Sexting to Sweaty Foursomes: How Boundaries Can Change

Sometimes, non-monogamy for us is casually sexting and trading nudes with our friends [either together or separately]. Sometimes, it’s us just mutually snuggling and making out with a cutie for a couple of hours.

Sometimes, it’s us traveling 6+ hours away for a weekend of sweaty group sex with our lovers; a couple that we’ve been friends with, and sleeping with, for a few years. Let’s call them Leia and Han because I like Star Wars, and so do they, and combining nerd stuff with sexy times is hot as fuck.

Leia and Han are actually pretty important to the story of our growing relationship, evolving desires and needs, and to our overall experience thus far with non-monogamy. Not only were they the first people we had sexual experiences with as a couple, but we also learned a LOT about our boundaries, and how incredibly fluid they really can be, pending on where we are at the time.

Some couples have very hard and strict rules when it comes to the boundaries of their non-monogamy. Common hard boundaries include absolutely no sex with other people unless both partners are present, no kissing other people, no penetrative sex with others, no having regular sex with the same person[s], etc., and my partner and I actually sort of started off much in the same way. We had been flirting with Leia and Han for quite a while, particularly at our wedding, and once sex with them looked like a very real possibility we basically decided that we were not ready for penetrative sex with either of them and we had to be in the same room as each other for any sort of sexy times (including make-outs).

As time went by we eventually realized that a lot of those initial boundaries just weren’t practical all of the time. To really show this, here’s a play by play of the sexual experiences that we’ve had with Leia and Han so far:

 

First Time: Just Leia came to visit us. Everybody stayed mostly dressed while we all made out together, then I watched my partner masturbate under their pyjama pants while Leia straddled them and played with their nipples. Meanwhile, I took pictures to send to Han and played with my girl cock through my underwear until, eventually, Leia suggested that my partner give me a blowjob while she watched us.

Second Time: Both Han and Leia came to visit. We all made out together, this time ALL clothing came off. Han and I fooled around a bunch, rubbed our cocks together and sucked each other off (my cock was the first cock he had ever sucked and the first load he ever swallowed!). Leia and my partner went down on each other, fingered each other, and played with each other’s tits. Then my partner rode my girl cock as Han roughly fucked Leia directly beside us. Leia also wanted to fulfill her long-held fantasy of being spitroasted so she sucked my girl cock while Han fucked her from behind.

Depiction of a ‘spit roast’ on the rim of an Attic red-figure kylix, c. 510 BC.

Third Time: We completely dropped the “no penetrative sex” with Leia and Han rule. Leia and I made-out and played with each other as we watched Han fuck my partner for a little while, then Leia climbed on top of me and rode me. Finally, Leia laid between us all and toyed herself to orgasm as we kissed, licked, and caressed her body.

Fourth Time: Just Leia came to visit again. She joined my partner and I in bed a couple of times but no penetrative sex occurred at all. First she ate my partner out and stroked my girl cock for a while, then my partner sat on my face for me to eat them out while Leia sucked me off and swallowed. Finally, Leia got out her favorite toy and brought herself to orgasm as my partner and I played her tits.

Fifth Time: Just Leia visited again, though nothing happened at all due to my partner struggling with some stress and anxiety and expressing a need for no sexual activity; which Leia and I respected.

Sixth Time: My partner and I traveled over 6 hours to visit Leia and Han. The first night, Han came into bed with us and fingered my partner during a rainstorm while I masturbated beside them, but Leia didn’t get involved because her back was very sore. The second night all 4 of us came together for a group sex pile in Leia and Han’s bed. Leia and I made out while I teased her pussy, then I gently fucked her (sore back, remember?) while Han roughly fucked my partner a few feet away.

 

And that’s just a look at our relationship with Han and Leia. Don’t even get me started on how much fun we have online with our friends and strangers through sexting and sending nudes. Or masturbating with friends. Or any of the other freaky naughty things we get up to. Hell, almost all the pics in my nudes gallery here on this blog were actually taken by my partner with the intent of me sharing them with others!

In don’t really know how our sex lives will look a year from now, let alone a week from now, but I am completely confident that my partner and I will continue to explore pleasure together with consent, honesty, respect, and consideration for each other, and our lovers, in mind.

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My Fucket List: The Sex I Want in 2017

2016 was a pretty big year for sexual experiences. I traded a bunch of nudes with quite a few different friends, was seen naked by a LOT of people online (booya!), had some pretty great public sex, did my first ever cum tribute to a big crush of mine, sucked some FANTASTIC girl cock, and enjoyed quite a few great threesomes and foursomes with my partner and our sexy friends.

But there is still so much more I want to do. Here are 6 things from my sexual bucket list, which I call a Fucket List (hahhhhh, get it?), that I REALLY hope happen in 2017!

 

  • Have somebody take a POV pic of me sucking their cock

Confession: some of the sex pics that turn me on the most are those POV ones of somebody sucking cock. Seriously. They’re fucking hot and this is the year I want somebody to take a sexy and cute picture of me sucking their cock!

 

  • Take my first legit facial-selfie

On that note, I can pound this one out right afterward! Once upon a time [last year] I ejaculated on my own face and took some selfies of the aftermath. Admittedly, they turned out SUPER cute [still have all of those photos], but it just didn’t feel as good as I had hoped. I want an real facial selfie… like, with another person’s semen coating my mouth, chin, and cheeks as I make lust eyes at the camera. So, at some point in 2017 I want to suck cock, get that person to take a snap of me with their genitals in my mouth, then jerk them off all over my face, and snap the cutest selfie I can for my Twitter followers.

This WILL happen.

 

  • Do a cam show

I’ve masturbated with, and for, partners over video chat before but doing a cam show is a whole other thing. At some point this year I’m hoping to set up an account on a queer and trans friendly site and put on a show for a bunch of strangers, maybe make a little money while doing it too!

 

 

  • Go to, or host, a masturbation party!

I love masturbating, especially mutual masturbation. Be it with my partner, with a friend, or with my partner AND a friend, mutual masturbating is awesome. But a masturbation party… that’s next level; and it’s something I’ve loooong fantasized about. I’m really hoping to make 2017 the year I get to one. If I can’t find something that is queer and trans safe and inclusive then I may have to take things into my own hands… and organize it myself. Invite some select queer friends to come over and hang out, eat some snacks, listen to some music, talk about self-pleasure, maybe watch some queer porn, and all masturbate together! You know, as friends do!

 

  • Get Spitroasted

For those not in the know, a “spitroast” occurs when somebody is penetrated from behind while they simultaneously provide oral sex to another person. Typically, this tends to involve penises penetrating and receiving oral BUT, despite what the internet says, those rules are not mandatory.

Whether you are giving oral to a penis or a vagina, or you’re penetrated by somebody’s genitalia, fingers, fist, or a toy, you can define the “spitroast” however you like so that it works for you and your partner[s].

Personally, I fantasize about this happening with my partner penetrating me from behind with their strap-on while I pleasure one of our friends. Fingers crossed!

 

  • More social nudity!

Not necessarily sex related at all, I kinda just want to do a bunch more nudist socializing stuff in general next year. Like, clothing optional games nights, movie nights, meals, whatevs. Have some friends over, watch Netflix, be pantsless. Perfect.

 

Whats on sexual experiences do you hope to have or explore in 2017?

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