Mx Nillin Fucks… A Pool Noodle!

[CW: the post is filled with sexually explicit, NSFW pics of girl cock.]

Welcome to the LONG overdue fourth installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

So far I’ve stressfully penetrated some warm apple pie, then made a mess of everything while trying to masturbate with jell-o, and last installment I actually almost had a great time fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But let’s not live in the past, let’s get to what you’ve waited months for. After the last post was a poll for what y’all wanted me to fuck next, and the results have spoken:

I’mma fuck a pool noodle.

 

How Much Does It Cost to Fuck It?

$1.25. Seriously. Go to your nearest dollar store and so long as it is spring or summer there’ll be fucktonne of pool noodles sitting around in some box for a buck-something. Pick your favorite color, I guess, and yeah, you’ve got yourself a pool noodle to fuck.

Oh, also, a LOT OF LUBE. Not even kidding here. I cannot stress enough how shitty trying to stick your penis into a pool noodle is without lube. It’s shitty. Really, really shitty. These things are essentially sponges, only they don’t get soft when they’re wet and the inside of them is about as uncomfortable to touch as… well, a pool noodle. I mean, if you’ve ever stuck your fingers in one of those things then you know how that feels. It’s not pleasant, so lets not pretend that it is.

Okay, so now if you’re also just going to go to Walmart or the local pharmacy to grab a cheap lube then you’re probably looking at another $6 to $10 there too. Just DON’T skip on the lube. Don’t do it. You’ll friction burn your fucking dick without it. Goddamn, don’t do it without the lube.

Total cost: $10 to $15 CAD

NOTE: You wanna know how to save $10 though? Just don’t fucking do it all. Keep reading for why. Or don’t! You know? I mean we all know how fucking cheap these things are, how small those holes are, and how awful they feel when you finger them, so, like, there’s no surprise coming here. It’s exactly what you think it is. But if you really, really want to read about me smooshing my girl cock into this thing and see pictures of me tearing it open with my erection like the Hulk tears out of his shorts then by all fucking means…

 

How Much Prep Will This Take?

Well, like, not a whole lot. I mean, once you got your pool noodle and your lube then it’s pretty simple from there. It all come down to the amount of effort you want to put into having some form of fun here. And let me tell ya, you’re gonna have to get creative with this thing because I genuinely cannot imagine taking this to my bed and trying to just casually masturbate with it.

Not gonna happen.

Personally, I ran a lukewarm bath, grabbed my uberlube, and tried to make an afternoon of it with my partner snapping pics. It didn’t make fucking it any better BUT we did have fun, so, there’s that!

 

What Is It Like to Fuck?

Terrible. I whole-heartedly believe that there is nothing you, or I, could ever do that would make a pool noodle, on its own (without serious modification), a pleasurable choice for a masturbation sleeve. And unless your penis gets no thicker than a highlighter when erect then you’re simply going to waste the $10-ish dollars you spent to get here by just fucking wrecking this thing within minutes.

 

So there you are with aggravated, red genitals and a torn pool noodle that NOBODY will ever enjoy now. Shame!

The only thing that could ever make this possibly work as a masturbation sleeve is if for some bizarre, and entirely unlikely, reason the makers of pool noodles choose to just completely re-invent the whole goddamn thing with penises in mind.

That’s it. It’s the only way.

So, get to it pool noodle designers/manufacturers! I know you’re out there. Some of you may even be reading this right now after searching for pool noodles on google and, look, I’m sorry about all of this, but you’re here now and I’m telling you that you gotta go back to square fucking one here.

I mean, fact is that Millennials are killing the pool noodle industry. [Disclaimer: I have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to substantiate this claim.]

It’s true and it’s just going to keep getting worse for sales. [Disclaimer: this is most likely entirely false.]

But if you make these things into big floaty sex toys I guarantee you that pool noodles will come back in a big way, y’all. Until then, bloggers like me are gonna stick their girl cocks in them and post about how cheap and shitty they are and nobody’s gonna buy them… for sexual purposes, at least.

I even stuck my girl cock into one of those damn pool noodle connector things because why the fuck not, you know? Way too roomy for penises. So, you got pool noodles which are WAY too damn narrow to fit a penis in, and then you got pool noodle connectors that have enough room for at least two dicks and four testicles (maybe try frotting in it with a friend? I dunno). Ridiculous!

Do I look I’m having a good time?

 

No. No, I fucking do not. And I blame you pool noodle and pool noodle connector manufacturers.

Is that unreasonable of me? No, of course not! Maybe. Okay, yeah, it is. But I just spent an afternoon trying to masturbate with these things and I see so much missed potential.

Harrumph!

1 out of ten, only because this whole thing was hilarious and that pic of my girl cock tearing the pool noodle is magnificent. I might frame it. Would NOT recommend that anyone else do this though.

 

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Little Queers on the Prairie – Chapter One: Cumming to Hays

[CW: this story is sexually explicit and contains NSFW, nude images]

Max’s mouth feels so good around my girl cock, and the fact that my hands are clinging to the steering wheel just makes it all the more exciting. I quickly glance down just in time to see the playful look in their eyes as they pull my skirt over their head and take me deep.

This was exactly why I didn’t wear any panties today. A promise fulfilled.

I feel their throat open and convulse around me as their lips press firmly into my soft, trimmed pubic mound. Their tongue slides up and down the length of my shaft, then they pull ever so slightly away to grab me with with their hand so that they can jerk me as they firmly suck on head of my girl cock.

My eyes wander to the rear view mirror in time to see a speeding truck quickly gaining ground behind us. I grip the wheel tighter as the driver edges forward, trying to push me to go faster, but I won’t. Not with my girl cock pushed all the way to the back of my partner’s throat. When he realizes I won’t speed up, the driver signals to pass. Just as he pulls up beside us I feel myself getting closer to orgasm. The excitement of another driver, or their passenger, seeing Max’s head bobbing up and down under my skirt causes my legs to shake.

In my peripherals I see the passenger of the passing truck looking out their window. I can’t tell if their eyes are on me or some random point in the flat Saskatchewan scenery but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t actually really want them to watch me getting my dick sucked. For a moment I even contemplate lifting my skirt so that whoever was in that passing truck could get a really good look at Max stroking and sucking my girl cock. So, I grip my skirt with my left hand, my heart beating faster as I ball the fabric up in my fist.

Before I can make up my mind about moving the skirt Max teases a finger around my ass hole and that does it for me. I arch my back and my body convulses as stream after stream of my thick cum fills their mouth. I hear them moan as they keep their lips firmly around my shaft to make sure they don’t lose a single drop. They then pop out from under my skirt, locking eyes with me, and I know what comes next so I instinctively open my mouth. With their head tilted they swoop in and kiss me, I keep my eyes on the road, watching the red truck get further and further away us, as I feel their wet tongue push all the cum from their mouth into mine.

For a moment I just let my cum sit there, being sure to move my tongue around so that I can really taste it, and then I swallow. It feels so damn good sliding down my throat, I wish I had more. The thought of it sitting in my belly makes my girl cock twitch with delight once again.

I sigh happily and wipe some ejaculate from the corner of my mouth with my finger, then lick it off.

Words can barely describe how much I love eating my own cum, though it was a relatively new thing to me. Before I met Max, I had long fantasized about eating my own cum but save for the few times I would climb my feet up my bedroom wall to jerk off on my own face, or lick some pre-cum off my fingertips while masturbating, there had always been a mental block keeping me from actually swallowing one of my own loads.

Then one warm afternoon last summer Max pushed me onto our bed, lifted my cute green dress up, pulled aside my lace panties, sucked me fast and hard, took a huge load of my cum in their mouth, crawled up me, grabbed me by the back of the head, and spit it all down my throat.

I’ve been hooked ever since. Between me regularly licking my hands clean after I jerk off, and Max feeding me my loads every other blowjob, I’d say I now consume about half of my cumshots in any given month. And it’s not the only thing that Max has got me hooked on since we started dating.

I was a really repressed person before they came along. Bitter, depressed, lonely, filled with internalized sexphobia, homophobia, and biphobia, I would secretly crossdress and fantasize about another life altogether. Feeling the soft satin of a nighty on my bare flesh, the stimulation of lace panties on my cock, I’d get so fucking horny. Orgasming while dressed fem was always way better and stronger then when I wasn’t wearing something fem. But deep shame swept over me every time. I’d take off all the fem, lacy clothes and would degrade and demean myself for wearing it. I genuinely believed that I could never, ever let anyone know about any of it.

All of that changed when I met Max. They empowered me, inspired me, and encouraged me to accept myself fully. Slowly I opened up more, unpacked my emotional baggage and embraced the kinky queer within. Eventually I officially came out, much to the dismay of my side of the family.

Fuck them though. I loved Max, I loved myself, and I loved the kinky, queer, non-monogamous life we were building together. We had no room for unsupportive, demeaning people. We were going to live our lives for us, and not hold back on the things that made us happy.

And right now the thing that made us happy happened to be the decision to drive nearly five hours from our conservative, small-town home in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, to a farm just outside Hays, Alberta, where we were most definitely going to fuck our friends all weekend.

“Do you think it’s actually going to happen?” Max asks me as they lean back in the passenger seat and pulls down their top, fully exposing their tits in the afternoon sun.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I guess we’ll just see what happens.”

Max sighs, closes their eyes, then squeezes and pulls on their nipples. I glance over to watch as they unbutton the top of their tight pants and slide a hand down between their thighs.

“I really hope so. I want to fuck them so bad. I want to suck Fynn’s cock with you, then I want you to watch me fuck him while I watch you fuck Rowan.”

I can feel my girl cock getting hard again.

I couldn’t believe that we were doing this. We had both known Rowan and Fynn from back before we even started dating, at a time when all of us were involved in the Roller Derby community in some form or another. Rowan and I were officials, Max was a player, and Fynn was Rowan’s supportive husband and fan in the stands.

I never would have imagined anything remotely sexual would have happened between us all. Then just a couple of months before our wedding, Fynn and Rowan visited us while passing through the area and that’s when the flirting started. Before long, flirting became sexting, sexting became sharing nudes, and sharing nudes became us all interchangeably mutually masturbating together long distance.

But now things were about to get to a whole other level. Max and I were driving over 480 KMs to spend a weekend with them, and they asked us to bring protection and our toys.

Fuck, I couldn’t wait to get there.

I reach down to touch myself but Max grabs my arm and stops me.

“No,” they say. “You already came. It’s my turn now.”

I want to disobey, but I don’t. My hands grip both sides of the steering wheel and I watch the road, glancing over occasionally to see what Max is up to.

Their moans and heavy panting fill the car. They rustle in their seat. I look over in time to see them slowly slide their pants down to their knees.

“Keep your eyes on the road,” they say, and I listen. It’s a struggle. I stare forward and strain to hear what they are doing.

Their voice quivers with pleasure. The familiar sound of their fingers sliding in and out of their wet cunt fill my ears. I glance over to see them practically fisting themself next to me. Their trimmed pubic mound and hand glistening with pussy juice.

“I said keep your eyes on the road,” Max firmly states.

“I’m sorry, Ser” I say, and look forward again.

There’s more shuffling. Max reaches behind my chair and grabs our travel bag. They’re going for their toy. I don’t even have to see it to know what it looks like. A long, thick, pink vibrator with a strong motor and and a built in clit stimulator. My girl cock twitches. I swallow hard as I feel some pre-cum trickle slowly down my shaft.   

Max groans and the oh so familiar muffled whirring of their toy, buried deep inside them, becomes all I can hear. As I watch the road I notice the faint reflection of Max’s gyrating hips in the windshield. There isn’t a lot of detail I can make out, but I see pink and I know it is the toy sticking out from between their legs.

“Oh, fuck,” Max grunts through quivering breaths. “Now look at me, you fucking whore.”

And I obey. As soon as I turn my head I see Max gasp, convulse, and pull their toy out. Then with their other hand they furiously rub their clit and squirt cum everywhere. My girl cock throbs as I watch their juices coat the seat, and the dashboard in front of them. Some drops even make it to the windshield.

Max sits in their mess for a moment, then looks at me and we both laugh.

“Well, that was fun,” they say.

“Fuck yeah, it was,” I respond. And I know it’s only going to get better. As Max wipes the cum off their wet mound with kleenex I swallow hard thinking about all the fun still to come with Fynn and Rowan. We’re so close now.

Only 100 more KMs to Hays.

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The Other 25 Facts About My Queer Sex Life

Red Hot Suz recently did a 50 Fun Sex Facts About Me post, which I thought was pretty cool so I decided to do one too; but I split mine in half. The first 25 facts were posted last week and for those who’ve been waiting for the rest, here is 26 through 50!

  1. I very, very rarely wear any underwear.
  2. I absolutely refuse to tuck my girl cock, especially for any social expectations. I embrace my bulge.
  3. I love wearing butt plugs during road trips.
  4. I really want to start writing hardcore queer and trans erotica on the blog.
  5. Since coming out as queer and trans I have been degraded and rejected by half of my immediate family and most of my extended family. I no longer have contact with them.
  6. Blowjob porn is my go-to for quick fapping.
  7. I am a furry. My fursona is a femme, queer deer.
  8. I kinda love waking up with morning wood.
  9. I’m primarily a dom in the bedroom, but I like to switch on occasion.
  10. My partner and I have had sex in a lot of exciting places. Some of my faves have been: an outdoor tennis court, a baseball dugout at night, and in the dark along the Saskatchewan river as a party boat drifted by.
  11. When I was a tween I was strangely turned on by Kaa from the Jungle Book.
  12. I also masturbated to Lola Bunny a lot.
  13. Okay, I still masturbate to Lola Bunny a lot.
  14. According to those who have tasted it, my cum is generally flavorless & nice to swallow.
  15. I did my first ethical cum tribute to a friend a couple months ago & fucking loved it.
  16. Since then I’ve fantasized about people doing cum/ejaculate tributes to me too. Cum on my nudes, please!
  17. After I move away from my current city, I plan to more seriously consider sex work.
  18. On numerous occasions I have fantasized about being abducted by extraterrestrials, and used as their fuck toy.
  19. I also frequently fantasize about sex with robots.
  20. I used to be obsessed with my cock size. Since coming out as queer and trans, my insecurity around my girl cock is now almost completely non-existent.
  21. My partner and I certainly do struggle with jealousy at times in our non-monogamy, but we feel compersion [experiencing pleasure from watching my partner receive pleasure] far more often.
  22. My partner and I are nude 95% of the time that we’re home. 
  23. When I was quite young I had a urethral stricture, a condition where the urethra narrows, and I had to have a non-surgical procedure done involving dilators. It was horrible. Moving on.
  24. My first exposure to porn on the internet was hardcore hentai.
  25. I’m really excited to eat ass for the first time soon.

But enough about me, what sex facts would you have on your list?

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