Mx Nillin Fucks… A Pool Noodle!

[CW: the post is filled with sexually explicit, NSFW pics of girl cock.]

Welcome to the LONG overdue fourth installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!

So far I’ve stressfully penetrated some warm apple pie, then made a mess of everything while trying to masturbate with jell-o, and last installment I actually almost had a great time fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But let’s not live in the past, let’s get to what you’ve waited months for. After the last post was a poll for what y’all wanted me to fuck next, and the results have spoken:

I’mma fuck a pool noodle.

 

How Much Does It Cost to Fuck It?

$1.25. Seriously. Go to your nearest dollar store and so long as it is spring or summer there’ll be fucktonne of pool noodles sitting around in some box for a buck-something. Pick your favorite color, I guess, and yeah, you’ve got yourself a pool noodle to fuck.

Oh, also, a LOT OF LUBE. Not even kidding here. I cannot stress enough how shitty trying to stick your penis into a pool noodle is without lube. It’s shitty. Really, really shitty. These things are essentially sponges, only they don’t get soft when they’re wet and the inside of them is about as uncomfortable to touch as… well, a pool noodle. I mean, if you’ve ever stuck your fingers in one of those things then you know how that feels. It’s not pleasant, so lets not pretend that it is.

Okay, so now if you’re also just going to go to Walmart or the local pharmacy to grab a cheap lube then you’re probably looking at another $6 to $10 there too. Just DON’T skip on the lube. Don’t do it. You’ll friction burn your fucking dick without it. Goddamn, don’t do it without the lube.

Total cost: $10 to $15 CAD

NOTE: You wanna know how to save $10 though? Just don’t fucking do it all. Keep reading for why. Or don’t! You know? I mean we all know how fucking cheap these things are, how small those holes are, and how awful they feel when you finger them, so, like, there’s no surprise coming here. It’s exactly what you think it is. But if you really, really want to read about me smooshing my girl cock into this thing and see pictures of me tearing it open with my erection like the Hulk tears out of his shorts then by all fucking means…

 

How Much Prep Will This Take?

Well, like, not a whole lot. I mean, once you got your pool noodle and your lube then it’s pretty simple from there. It all come down to the amount of effort you want to put into having some form of fun here. And let me tell ya, you’re gonna have to get creative with this thing because I genuinely cannot imagine taking this to my bed and trying to just casually masturbate with it.

Not gonna happen.

Personally, I ran a lukewarm bath, grabbed my uberlube, and tried to make an afternoon of it with my partner snapping pics. It didn’t make fucking it any better BUT we did have fun, so, there’s that!

 

What Is It Like to Fuck?

Terrible. I whole-heartedly believe that there is nothing you, or I, could ever do that would make a pool noodle, on its own (without serious modification), a pleasurable choice for a masturbation sleeve. And unless your penis gets no thicker than a highlighter when erect then you’re simply going to waste the $10-ish dollars you spent to get here by just fucking wrecking this thing within minutes.

 

So there you are with aggravated, red genitals and a torn pool noodle that NOBODY will ever enjoy now. Shame!

The only thing that could ever make this possibly work as a masturbation sleeve is if for some bizarre, and entirely unlikely, reason the makers of pool noodles choose to just completely re-invent the whole goddamn thing with penises in mind.

That’s it. It’s the only way.

So, get to it pool noodle designers/manufacturers! I know you’re out there. Some of you may even be reading this right now after searching for pool noodles on google and, look, I’m sorry about all of this, but you’re here now and I’m telling you that you gotta go back to square fucking one here.

I mean, fact is that Millennials are killing the pool noodle industry. [Disclaimer: I have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to substantiate this claim.]

It’s true and it’s just going to keep getting worse for sales. [Disclaimer: this is most likely entirely false.]

But if you make these things into big floaty sex toys I guarantee you that pool noodles will come back in a big way, y’all. Until then, bloggers like me are gonna stick their girl cocks in them and post about how cheap and shitty they are and nobody’s gonna buy them… for sexual purposes, at least.

I even stuck my girl cock into one of those damn pool noodle connector things because why the fuck not, you know? Way too roomy for penises. So, you got pool noodles which are WAY too damn narrow to fit a penis in, and then you got pool noodle connectors that have enough room for at least two dicks and four testicles (maybe try frotting in it with a friend? I dunno). Ridiculous!

Do I look I’m having a good time?

 

No. No, I fucking do not. And I blame you pool noodle and pool noodle connector manufacturers.

Is that unreasonable of me? No, of course not! Maybe. Okay, yeah, it is. But I just spent an afternoon trying to masturbate with these things and I see so much missed potential.

Harrumph!

1 out of ten, only because this whole thing was hilarious and that pic of my girl cock tearing the pool noodle is magnificent. I might frame it. Would NOT recommend that anyone else do this though.

 

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Treat Yourself: 6 Things You Can Do This May for Masturbation Month

Whether you’re doing it because you’re really horny, or to relieve stress, or maybe just because you’re super bored, masturbation is pretty damn awesome. In fact, it’s so awesome that almost everybody does it AND I’m willing to bet that if you live in a moderately sized city then at absolutely any point in time throughout the day there is likely somebody, somewhere within your vicinity, who is masturbating.

Whether they’re in their 5th floor apartment, in a house a couple of doors down from you, sitting at their desk in their office, or quietly playing in a bathroom stall, it’s highly likely that self-pleasure is happening within just a couple of blocks of you at this very moment.

Let that sink in for a second.

Spider-Man Bates Too

Yet masturbation still remains this thing that we at best don’t talk about, and at worse actively shame, especially in regards to women.

What better time to challenge and question that stigma, while simultaneously enjoying yourself, than this month… which happens to be Masturbation Month!

Though we’re already 12-days in, it’s never too late to join the fun. Here are six things that I’ve been doing, and that I’d encourage you to consider doing too, throughout the rest of May for Masturbation Month:

 

1. Post and talk about it!

A bunch! Ask your Facebook friends what their favorite way to masturbate is, ask about advice for sex toys, talk about why you like to masturbate, share a masturbation story you may not have told anybody yet, and ask others to contribute as well. Or, as you’ll see below, just say that you’re going to be masturbating and see where the conversation goes.

Bating Post

Could just get some healthy chuckles for the super honesty of your statement, or launch a full discussion on any number of topics related to self-pleasure!

 

2. Don’t make excuses about it!

I don’t know about any of you but a substantial amount of the times that I am late for a party, or meeting up with some friends, it’s because I was jerking off before I left. As somebody with a lot of social anxiety, and just anxiety in general, masturbating actually really helps me chill out before I go out to socialize.

Usually, if somebody says something about me being late I’ll make up an excuse like “oh I got a phone call that I had to take”, or “I couldn’t find my car keys”, or “yeah I got stuck behind a really slow driver”, and blah blah blah. But not this month!

This month, if I’m late because I was stroking myself to orgasm, then that’s exactly what I’m going to say. For example:

Friend: “What took you so long!?”

Me: “I was bating!”

BOOM! Simple. Honest. And, who knows, maybe it will start a really great conversation with your friend(s) about how totally ordinary, relaxing, and wonderful self-pleasure can be.

 

3. Try a bunch of new things; or, do a bunch of the stuff you like!

There are endless amounts of masturbation techniques out there on blogs and websites. All it takes is a simple Google search and you’ll have TONS of fun things to try out.

Personally, I’ve made a Masturbatory To Do List for the month; a list of 15 things that I want to do including:

  • Mutually masturbate with my partner (we do this lots already but hey, I’ll take any excuse to do it more!)
  • Edge myself for at least 30-minutes before cumming.
  • Try and attain a hands-free (no jerking) prostate orgasm.
  • Give myself a facial! (I’ve actually never gotten a facial from somebody else before, but I do love cumming on myself)
  • Spend the entirety of one of my days off naked; masturbating or playing with myself as much as I want to.

… and more!

 

4. If you can afford it, buy some new toys or get a porn site membership!

I recently picked up a fleshlight and have been enjoying it IMMENSELY.

If you do end up buying something for yourself, please also consider writing a review about it and posting that to your Facebook page, Tumblr, or any blogs that you may have!

As for porn site memberships, might I suggest the incredibly sexy and super queer positive content such as The Crash Pad Series. Yes, there is a lot of free porn out there, however, when it comes to queer positive, trans and gender diverse positive, body positive, kink positive, hot-as-fuck porn content I can honestly say there is nothing like Crash Pad Series out there.

 

5. Mutually masturbate with somebody!

Seriously, I strongly feel that we do not give enough credit or attention to how great mutual masturbation is. Over the years I’ve masturbated with a lot of people: partners, friends, hookups, and even with complete strangers on webcam. I’ve even masturbated with combinations of the aforementioned!

If you have a partner, mutually masturbating together can not only be fun, it can also help you both communicate your desires better and explore ideas for your sex life. Generally, it allows you both to talk about what makes you feel good, teach each other how to find your pleasure zones, explore some dirty talk, share your fantasies, and share what pornography you like to enjoy. Plus, you can tie in some kink play if you`d like through setting rules and giving directions for how you`d like to watch your partner masturbate. Hot, fucking, dayum!

But mutual masturbation can also be a pretty outstanding experience for you and a friend (or friends)! If you have somebody who you would like to masturbate with, and who you think may be interested in masturbating with you as well, take a chance and broach the topic. Masturbating with a friend allows you both to be naked (or partially naked) in a completely judgement free space where you can share technique suggestions, independently explore your bodies, talk about your body and/or how masturbation makes you feel, talk about toys you like or don’t like, share stories, and encourage each other to enjoy your orgasms.

Awesome. Right!?

 

6. Acknowledge and respect that some people really don’t like to masturbate.

Now, as much as I’m here raving about how awesome I think masturbation is, there are some who really, really don’t like it. And that is TOTALLY valid as well.

If you’re talking about masturbation this month and somebody mentions that they don’t care to masturbate, please avoid teasing them or berating them about it. Shaming somebody who doesn’t enjoying masturbation isn’t really any better than shaming somebody who does. Instead, I’d encourage you to seek understanding about why they dislike it.

And no, that doesn’t mean self-righteously suggesting that they are “probably just doing it wrong” or inferring that they are a prude for not enjoying it. That doesn’t mean ignoring that they don’t like it and cramming down their throats a pile of unsolicited tips on how you think they might be able to cum.

There could be any number of reasons that somebody wouldn’t enjoy masturbation and while, yes, some of those reasons may stem from feelings of shame or from how they were raised, or what their religious beliefs are, that is not always the case. Sometimes, people just… don’t care for it.

And if that sounds like you, well, I still hope that you have a most excellent month. You don’t need to masturbate to enjoy May. There’s a lot going on from some really awesome new movies coming out, to a bunch of wicked video game releases, a pile of DVDs/Blu-Rays hitting store shelves, hundreds of new books to read, and a ridiculous amount of new music to jam out to (including Radiohead’s new album!!!). Plus, it is in my opinion that May is also a great month for road trips, travel, picnics, nice walks, checking out some local events going on, and taking in any one of these night sky events.

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(NSFW) Crash Pad Series: Solo First Impression

Holy shit, guys! So, I’m super excited to announce that after reaching out to The Crash Pad Series, an adult entertainment site (porn!) that focuses on producing sexy videos featuring diverse queer performers, yesterday they provided me with a 1-month subscription to explore and review the site.

Eeeeeeee!

Needless to say, as soon as I got home I immediately logged in and started to look around. I will say that it’s a little overwhelming when you first get in there and see the MASSIVE library of 200+ episodes (in no particular order with all titles just being performer names), 16 films, and countless photographs. Knowing that Crash Pad employs a wide variety of gender diverse individuals, I knew that I wanted to see a video with performers who shared my own identity.

Crash Pad 02

As a genderqueer person myself, I sometimes struggle with feeling sexy and seeing myself as a sexual being. Mainstream blog sites simply do NOT have very much in the way of body positive, sex positive queer porn featuring people with bodies like mine. I was really excited at the prospect of seeing a little bit of me reflected in the porn I watch! So, I made it my goal for my first login to find a video featuring at least one genderqueer and/or non-binary performer.

Clicking on the main drop-down menu brought me to the “Stars” page, a giant grid of photos with names under them that I did not recognize. Again, I felt pretty lost at first so I just started clicking through them all. In some ways this is really cool because it encourages you to acquaint yourself with those who you will be watching in Crash Pad’s video.

But I’ll be honest… I was REALLY excited and hella horny and was just about to give up on my first login goal by going to find a random video when after scrolling up to the top of the page I saw the search bar above everyone’s profiles. On a whim, I decided to type in “genderqueer” and BOOM… 44 results!

Crash Pad 01.png

All of these attractive people proudly rocking they/them/their or ze/zir pronouns and openly talking about what sex acts and kinks really get them off.

Fucking. Awesome.

Ultimately, I ended up going with Episode 121 featuring Erin and Jules (BOTH of whom are genderqueer!!). Though I only made it about 14 minutes into the approximately 24 minute video before cumming, something pretty interesting happened afterward… I watched the rest of the video. So often when I watch porn while masturbating I basically turn off the clip right away and move onto other things. Cum and done, you know?

This time though, I found myself REALLY enjoying the video even after I had finished masturbating. It was fucking hot!

And that’s just my first hour with Crash Pad Series…

So, Nillin’s first impression = impressed. I’m really excited to check out all of the other site features, watch a bunch more episodes, and, on April 16, if all goes according to plan, sit in behind-the-scenes during a livestream from the set of Crash Pad’s next video.

 

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