4 Tips To Manage Jealousy and Insecurity in Queer Non-Monogamy

I know that my partner loves me very much.

I know from how they cuddle up to me every night as I fall asleep. I know from how they tenderly kiss me awake every morning. I know from how they help me pick out clothes on days that I feel particularly dysphoric. I know from how they constantly tell me how proud they are of me about everything from doing something cool in a video game to achieving a goal I’ve been working toward.

Yet there have still been times when I have felt so insecure about myself that it manifests as jealousy, irritability, self-isolation, co-dependancy, and even a drop in sex drive. This especially comes into play with our non-monogamy in that when I am feeling particularly insecure I often become jealous or worried about the people my partner is flirting with, or sexting with, or sending nudes too, despite previously consenting to those non-monogamous boundaries and activities. Vulnerability tends to pull those feelings and fears out at times.

However, while those emotions, and the insecurity that led to them, are valid it is important not to project those struggles unfairly onto my partner.  

So, how do I deal? Well, here are 4 tips for ways that I have found most effective for facing my insecurities or feelings of jealousy in a healthy way:

 

Tip #1: Talk About It

Yep! While it is true that communication and honesty is important to any form of relationship, it is arguably even MORE important in non-monogamous ones given the emotional, physical, and sexual complexities at play with multiple autonomous individuals to consider.  So, if you have the capacity for it, talk about your jealousy. Acknowledge it and work through it with your partner(s).

Of course, that’s often easier said than done for many. Things such as anxiety and depression are perfectly valid reasons for why bringing up these conversations can be especially difficult. However, I’m still a big advocate of talking things through, when possible.

Not only will doing so allow you to unpack what is really behind those jealous feelings but sharing in that process with your partner(s) and/or lover(s) is great way at reaffirming trust, honesty, and communication.

 

Tip #2: Re-asses Your Boundaries Often

Regardless of the structure of your non-monogamous relationship(s), boundaries play a very, very important role in ensuring that everyone involved feels comfortable, safe, and respected. In monogamous relationships, boundaries tend revolve around two individuals committing to exclusive emotional, romantic, and sexual bonds with each other. In non-monogamous relationships, boundaries aren’t always so straightforward.

Maybe it was agreed that non-monogamy for you and your partner meant just having the occasional threesome. Maybe it means that sharing nudes and sexting with friends and/or strangers online is cool. Maybe it means that oral sex with others is cool, but penetrative sex is off the table. Maybe it means that either of you can have sex with whoever you like, however you like, but you remain emotionally monogamous with only each other. Or maybe non-monogamy for you is a complex series of emotional and/or sexual relationships with people who you may or may not live with, perhaps not even within the same city.  

When relationship boundaries are crossed, like your partner having sex with your friend while you were at work even though you both expressly agreed to not have sex without you both being present, then this naturally makes people feel jealous because of actions that challenged their comfort or safety.

If you feel that a boundary has been crossed, whatever that boundary may have been, it is of the utmost importance that a conversation about that occurs with your partner(s) as soon as possible! During said convo be sure to assess if everyone’s sexual or romantic needs have changed and, if so, do your relationship boundaries need to be re-considered.

NOTE: There is a very big difference between re-thinking relationship boundaries with your partner(s) vs. feeling pressured into agreeing with boundaries that make you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and/or disregarded.

 

Tip #3: Prioritize Self-Care When Needed

As a chubby, hairy, queer, proudly non-passing androbabe [who sometimes just identifies as “trans”, or, non-binary, for the convenience of cis people], I struggle a lot with feeling attractive in a world that constantly works to blatantly affirm that anyone visibly trans or queer is disgusting and abnormal. Sounds harsh, but it’s true and one need not look much further than the past 25-years of blatant transphobia in film or even most of those “cringe compilation” videos all over YouTube that almost always present queer and trans peeps through a derogatory lens.

So yeah, it gets to people over time. I know it has for me, and there have absolutely been periods where I have internalized hateful public discourse about queer and trans folk to the point where it has made me feel incredibly insecure within my relationship. All sort of emotional responses can come from those insecurities and fears, from expressions of jealousy or dependence to irritability or anger.

That’s why it’s SUPER important to practice self-care on a regular basis. Be it reading a good book, having long baths, playing video games, listening to music, going for a walk, watching movies, watching porn, masturbating with your favorite toy (or your hands), hanging out at home naked, whatever, make sure to allow time for yourself to look after your own needs.

You deserve it, and you’re worth it.

Self-care for me is often just playing video games partially naked.

 

 

Tip #4: Take a Social Media Break

Coming directly out of the last tip: for any queer and trans folk who have spent substantial time online, reading the news, reading comments sections, following social activists of any kind, they’ll likely have some pretty rough stories to tell you about the anti-queer and anti-trans harassment, threats, hate speech, and general degradation they have likely both witnessed and been the target of themselves.

Transphobia and queerphobia remain extremely pronounced, and particularly vitriolic, not only across social media platforms but also within general public discourse, and especially politic heavy environments, on a whole. In this alt-right, neo-fascist, culturally regressive era of Trump it is an especially difficult time for marginalized folk as blatant bigotry and hate speech has once again become socially acceptable.

It’s an extremely well documented fact that individuals constantly exposed to hateful rhetoric, degrading comments, and negative perceptions of individuals such as themselves, tend to internalize it all. You hear so many people saying awful things about your sexuality, or your gender identity, and after hearing it for so long it has a nasty habit of burrowing inside you and rotting.

But let me tell you this: they’re NOT true. You’re not any of the things that ignorant bigots, hateful politicians, and faceless trolls say you are. Fuck ’em.

And if you need to take a break from it all, be it just for a few days, or a week, or even a month, then please do not hesitate to do so. Your true friends will keep in touch with you through this time and all your online connections will likely be there when you return. Unplugging for your mental wellness is valid.

 

So, how about the rest of you out there, what things have you found helpful in addressing insecurities or feelings of jealousy in your relationship(s)?

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How Non-Monogamy Looks to My Partner and I

My partner and I love fucking our friends.

I don’t really know how else to describe it other than just saying that trading nudes with, sexting, masturbating with, or inviting a friend to bed with us is as big a part of our sex life as doing those things with each other is. Not quite as frequent, maybe, but still, super important. Some people get it, most don’t, but ultimately we don’t care. We love it, we love each other, we love our friends, we’re all having fun, and we’re all keeping safe. So, winning!

One of the biggest things that my partner and I have come to realize though is that as much as our boundaries, fantasies, needs, and desires may shift and change with each other, or with our friends, from experience to experience, or even moment to moment, the one consistent is that communication has to be fucking TIGHT.

No, seriously. Like, air-fucking tight. We got this down to a science. My partner and I have verbal cues, hand signals, check-in measures, safewords, and even run a “lights system” of green means go, yellow means slow, and red means NO. We even inform and include our other sexual partners in these measures while also incorporating and adjusting to any of their communication needs as well.

My partner and I at the Taboo Convention 2016.

 

And even with all of that work, all that honesty and trust, it’s not always perfect. Sometimes miscommunications happen, confusing feels pop up, awkwardness ensues, discomforts arise, and boundaries suddenly shift mid-way through. But after everything, we always talk. We talk with each other. We talk with with our lovers. And then we talk some more.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this shit ain’t easy. Sure, it’s a lot of fun, and we enjoy ourselves, but if you and your partner are thinking of exploring non-monogamy you better be talking a LOT. Non-monogamy isn’t the free love explosion of massive house party orgies, gloryhole blowjobs, beach gangbangs, and endless, consequence free orgasms that pop culture and traditionalists and excited newbies alike seem to think it is. I mean, sure, all of those things ARE options if you and your partner(s) want them to be. But what I’m really getting at here is that non-monogamous relationships take just as much listening, communication, honesty, trust, teamwork, and respect, as any monogamous relationship does. In fact, in many cases I’ve found these things to be even MORE amplified in my non-monogamous marriage with my partner than they ever were in past relationships where, admittedly, a lot felt taken for granted.

And yes, all of this is far more complex than a single post can articulate but those discussions on relationship structures, complicated feels, unpacking jealousy, and more, are all bigger conversations for another time. This is just a peek behind our curtains. One that I hope shows you the importance of boundaries and communication in all non-monogamous activity.

So, what exactly does non-monogamy look like to my partner and I? Well, honestly, it’s really hard to pinpoint…

 

 

From Sexting to Sweaty Foursomes: How Boundaries Can Change

Sometimes, non-monogamy for us is casually sexting and trading nudes with our friends [either together or separately]. Sometimes, it’s us just mutually snuggling and making out with a cutie for a couple of hours.

Sometimes, it’s us traveling 6+ hours away for a weekend of sweaty group sex with our lovers; a couple that we’ve been friends with, and sleeping with, for a few years. Let’s call them Leia and Han because I like Star Wars, and so do they, and combining nerd stuff with sexy times is hot as fuck.

Leia and Han are actually pretty important to the story of our growing relationship, evolving desires and needs, and to our overall experience thus far with non-monogamy. Not only were they the first people we had sexual experiences with as a couple, but we also learned a LOT about our boundaries, and how incredibly fluid they really can be, pending on where we are at the time.

Some couples have very hard and strict rules when it comes to the boundaries of their non-monogamy. Common hard boundaries include absolutely no sex with other people unless both partners are present, no kissing other people, no penetrative sex with others, no having regular sex with the same person[s], etc., and my partner and I actually sort of started off much in the same way. We had been flirting with Leia and Han for quite a while, particularly at our wedding, and once sex with them looked like a very real possibility we basically decided that we were not ready for penetrative sex with either of them and we had to be in the same room as each other for any sort of sexy times (including make-outs).

As time went by we eventually realized that a lot of those initial boundaries just weren’t practical all of the time. To really show this, here’s a play by play of the sexual experiences that we’ve had with Leia and Han so far:

 

First Time: Just Leia came to visit us. Everybody stayed mostly dressed while we all made out together, then I watched my partner masturbate under their pyjama pants while Leia straddled them and played with their nipples. Meanwhile, I took pictures to send to Han and played with my girl cock through my underwear until, eventually, Leia suggested that my partner give me a blowjob while she watched us.

Second Time: Both Han and Leia came to visit. We all made out together, this time ALL clothing came off. Han and I fooled around a bunch, rubbed our cocks together and sucked each other off (my cock was the first cock he had ever sucked and the first load he ever swallowed!). Leia and my partner went down on each other, fingered each other, and played with each other’s tits. Then my partner rode my girl cock as Han roughly fucked Leia directly beside us. Leia also wanted to fulfill her long-held fantasy of being spitroasted so she sucked my girl cock while Han fucked her from behind.

Depiction of a ‘spit roast’ on the rim of an Attic red-figure kylix, c. 510 BC.

Third Time: We completely dropped the “no penetrative sex” with Leia and Han rule. Leia and I made-out and played with each other as we watched Han fuck my partner for a little while, then Leia climbed on top of me and rode me. Finally, Leia laid between us all and toyed herself to orgasm as we kissed, licked, and caressed her body.

Fourth Time: Just Leia came to visit again. She joined my partner and I in bed a couple of times but no penetrative sex occurred at all. First she ate my partner out and stroked my girl cock for a while, then my partner sat on my face for me to eat them out while Leia sucked me off and swallowed. Finally, Leia got out her favorite toy and brought herself to orgasm as my partner and I played her tits.

Fifth Time: Just Leia visited again, though nothing happened at all due to my partner struggling with some stress and anxiety and expressing a need for no sexual activity; which Leia and I respected.

Sixth Time: My partner and I traveled over 6 hours to visit Leia and Han. The first night, Han came into bed with us and fingered my partner during a rainstorm while I masturbated beside them, but Leia didn’t get involved because her back was very sore. The second night all 4 of us came together for a group sex pile in Leia and Han’s bed. Leia and I made out while I teased her pussy, then I gently fucked her (sore back, remember?) while Han roughly fucked my partner a few feet away.

 

And that’s just a look at our relationship with Han and Leia. Don’t even get me started on how much fun we have online with our friends and strangers through sexting and sending nudes. Or masturbating with friends. Or any of the other freaky naughty things we get up to. Hell, almost all the pics in my nudes gallery here on this blog were actually taken by my partner with the intent of me sharing them with others!

In don’t really know how our sex lives will look a year from now, let alone a week from now, but I am completely confident that my partner and I will continue to explore pleasure together with consent, honesty, respect, and consideration for each other, and our lovers, in mind.

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Mx Nillin’s Monthly Refap: November 2016

This was a month of some pretty intense ups and downs. It was simultaneously my most productive to date in terms of content generation, and also the most devastating as I saw 9-months of hard work go up in flames just last week. Now I’m in the process of rebuilding my site from the ground up, while also anticipating another hosting service move in January. Ugh.

Anyway, be sure to read through to the end, where you’ll find my favorite slutty picture of me this month… well, my favorite that doesn’t involve fully exposed girl cock, at least.

 


Blog Related Stuff

Things started off pretty great, I was getting up a post every 4-5 days and I felt like each of them was really solid! But then my mxnillin.wordpress.com blog was permanently suspended and I had to spend the vast majority of the later part of the month trying to salvage whatever I could. Long story short, I’m now self-hosting here at mxnillin.com and I’m basically starting over. New posts will be going up every Monday and Thursday, with Monday updates being brand new content never published before and Thursday updates being re-posts from the original wordpress blog. Read the full story here.

 


Sex Ed Stuff

My Fall internship at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (CSPH) is quickly coming to a close. While I did apply to continue for another semester into Spring 2017, I haven’t heard for sure whether or not I’ll be back. Should I not be accepted to continue in Spring of 2017, I hope to still volunteer and/or contribute to the CSPH in some form. But this does have me thinking, whether it is right now, or in a few more months, my internship time with the CSPH will end and when it does… what do I do next?

It’s a big question. One that I haven’t really thought about since beginning my internship a couple of months ago in September. I guess the real question is: where do I want to be with all of this and how do I plan on getting there?

Anyway, this month my writing and website intern work included doing the Week in Review for November 4th, as well as a Word of the Week post on “Netflix and Chill“. I wish I had done more but it was a tough month that ultimately required me to balance things the best I could.

 


Kinkly’s Top 100, Oh Joy Sex Toy, Cocksucking, and Awesome Threesomes

– The month kicked off with me learning that I had been ranked at #6 for New Blogs of the year, and #35 overall, in Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes 2016 contest. While there has been a lot of completely valid criticism of the contest, it still felt nice to be recognized and included among so many inspiring writers.

– While this could technically have been included in the Sex Ed Stuff section above because it concerns a post I wrote for the CSPH blog… it’s just so fuckin’ cool I really wanted it to stand out on its own! I had the AWESOME opportunity to interview Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan, creators of Oh Joy Sex Toy, about the release of Volume 3 of their collected work and an upcoming coloring book. Eeeeee!

– Once again I was invited back to the #SexEdPornReviews panel to live tweet about a couple more queer porn shoots from Crash Pad Series. Episode 226 (featuring Max Madame and Barbary Rose) had outstanding spanking, chest hitting, sub/dom talk, and a surprising amount of cum play, while Episode 227 (featuring Scout and Lew Pine) proved to be a pretty revolutionary watch for me as it showcased incredibly hot sex between genderqueer folk with all of their clothes on.

– Group sex fucking rocks! About mid-month my partner and I invited our beautiful fem friend over and things just kinda led to the three of us heading to the bedroom. My partner and I sucked our guest’s girl cock, then the two of them then gave me an intense double blowjob, and my partner masturbated between our guest and I. Honestly, I forgot how much I love sucking cock. And girl cock is SO much better. Hers was just so thick and soft, and feeling her finish all over my mouth and face as my partner watched… hot damn! We enjoyed our time together so much that we invited her over again, just this past weekend, and the three of us played in a whole bunch of new ways. Highlight of the second threesome was when my partner and our friend held me down and gave me multi-orgasms, then a messy ejaculation, through frenulum stimulation with the Shibari Wand.

 


Nillin’s Slutty Selfie of the Month

Those who read my frenulum stimulation post earlier in the month [it will be re-posted here on Dec 1st] might recognize this pic from the piece. Many a sexy selfies were taken over the past few weeks but this one was my fave of the relatively safe-for-work ones.

 

Thank you for sticking with me through this really crappy period of losing the blog and starting over. Will see you next month with a ton of new, and returning, content to www.mxnillin.com!

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