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Fuck You, Dad.

Posted on June 16, 2019April 4, 2020 by MxNillin

[Content Note: descriptions of being disowned, family rejection, racism, etc.]

My “father” (and I say that very fucking loosely) always promised me that no matter who I was, no matter who I loved, and no matter how I lived, he would ALWAYS love me…

But then when I came out as non-binary he HATED that I was visible in my community, and that I wasn’t transitioning the “right way”, in silence, from male to female.

He hated that I didn’t “pass” (or even tried to), that I didn’t pick a “girl’s name” for myself, that I didn’t shave twice a day, or wear make-up, or talk “softer”, or stay out of public places until I “fully transitioned” (got implants, had bottom surgery, facial feminization, etc.)

Then I got engaged to my partner Fal, and at the wedding (where he pretended to be happy to my face) he was overheard by my other guests making rude comments about the queer folks in attendance and referring to both Fal and their mother as “loud mouth natives” (Fal is Metis).

And instead of talking to me or supporting me like he promised he would, he spoke about me behind my back. He REFUSED to acknowledge my existence in front of the rest of the family, except for the moments when he did and said the cruelest things about me to them. He made NO effort to understand me, to care about my partners and friends, to respect the advocacy and communities I helped change. He made no effort to use my name or pronouns, stopped taking my calls, stopped saying happy birthday to me or reaching out on the holidays, stopped saying he loved me…

He did all of this shit despite the fact that he fucking crossdressed and lamented to me many times that he couldn’t disappear “as a transsexual” and transition away from his shitty family! He did all of that despite his claims of acceptance for all, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity; despite his encouragement for me to find community and embrace myself during my younger years.

Because when it came down to it, that love and acceptance of me was never real. It was conditional. He is truly, deeply ashamed of me and will never, ever acknowledge the harm he’s caused to me and those I love.

Though I think he was more jealous of me than anything else. I’m everything that he won’t allow himself to be.

So, fuck you, dad.

I’m non-binary, queer as fuck, polyamorous, and I’m hella in love with two fucking hotties, one of whom is Metis. And here is a picture of them sucking my fucking girl cock on an explicit as fuck, queer sex blog that the whole goddamn world can see.

Cause I’m living my BEST fucking life and you could too if you weren’t such a fucking dick.

Hope you have a shitty “Father’s Day”.

 

 

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  • 11 thoughts on “Fuck You, Dad.”

    1. DeviantSuccubus says:
      June 17, 2019 at 11:51 pm

      Although there was a lot of sadness and disappointment in this post, I can also see your incredible strength shine through. You know who you are, and you are living your life exactly the way you want to! We all want our parents’ approval, but in the end, we all need to live our own lives. I am sorry to hear that your dad has been such a jealous and unsupportive person. You seem to have some lovely people in your life now though, and that makes me happy!

      Reply
      1. Posy Churchgate says:
        August 6, 2019 at 2:17 pm

        I couldn’t have put my reactions to your post better than Deviant Succubus did here.

        Reply
    2. NPE says:
      June 17, 2019 at 6:46 pm

      Sad to hear about more needless suffering.

      Reply
    3. Julie says:
      June 17, 2019 at 11:17 am

      I’m so sorry you have had to go through this and as Sarah says there seems to be some intense jealousy. But you have the people you love and who love around you and you have a blog where you can say exactly what you want. xx

      Reply
    4. Cara Thereon says:
      June 16, 2019 at 2:46 pm

      The ways that people who say they’re family can disappoint is huge, but the ways we still manage to do better is even greater. You’ve definitely done well without him! Great photo as well.

      Reply
      1. MxNillin says:
        June 16, 2019 at 6:12 pm

        Sad but so, so true. I think you’re right though about the beauty in how we still manage to do better and, hopefully, not harm others in turn. Thank you so much for the encouraging words!

        And I’m glad you liked to photo too cause, like, all the heavy feels aside, it’s a hot pic, right!?!

        Reply
    5. Victoria Blisse says:
      June 16, 2019 at 1:44 pm

      Keep on living your best life! I’m sorry for what you’ve been through with your Dad, that’s all kinds of shitty. You’re awesome just exactly the way you are, so keep on living out loud <3

      Reply
      1. MxNillin says:
        June 16, 2019 at 6:14 pm

        Oh hells yeah I will! Sometimes I waver and the negative self talk and trauma makes me second guess myself, but I see myself in a lot of others being awesome and living out loud too and that helps me keep from falling too deep into the holes.

        Thank you for the empathy and cheering!

        Reply
    6. Molly says:
      June 16, 2019 at 1:27 pm

      The way he treated you made me very sad for you and your partners but your determination to live your life fully and for yourself is wonderful happy thing and by the end of this piece I was smiling at your strength and self awareness.

      Mollyx

      Reply
    7. Sarah says:
      June 16, 2019 at 12:23 pm

      As I was reading your post, I was thinking to myself, “Well, it seems pretty clear that your dad is jealous of the fact that you’re living out loud doing what he can only dream he had the courage to do,” so yes, you should be angry at him for not supporting you, for shit-talking you and your loved ones, for not living up to those promises he made you, but you should also deeply pity him because he must be an incredibly miserable, self-loathing person and he is missing out on knowing someone as authentic, kind and real as you. ❤

      Reply
    8. Optical Love Story says:
      June 16, 2019 at 10:54 am

      This made me so sad reading it! I couldn’t imagine not being accepted by my own father. Good for you in realizing that it wasn’t right and that you didn’t deserve being treated that way. I’m glad you are happy and you aren’t ashamed of it! I know many people who wouldn’t stand up for themselves against their own family and it is really brave to do so.

      Reply

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