Nobody said this was gonna be easy, but I didn’t think that it would be this hard either.
I’m on a bunch of dating apps, matching with people here and there, but they’re all widely dead ends. Missed connections, conflicting schedules, drops in conversation, a lack of energy on both sides, it’s all contributed to this feeling that my days of meeting new people, starting new relationships, going on dates and building community are just done.
Of course I’m trying to not be too much of a downer, but it’s hard. Everything has been hard. Really hard. Especially over the last few months. And in my effort to regain my footing, reaffirm my bonds and plan for the future, I fear I’ve made things worse in a lot of ways. Too much talking, too much feeling. Just too much.
All I want is a safe and happy home with the people that I love. A place where I can live, grow and vibe with them. A cute house with a cute porch and cute back yard. Not perfect, but home. Where I can live the queer author’s life, try to make a difference in the ways I know how, with guidance and words.
Up until very recently I didn’t consider the future like this because I honestly didn’t think that I had one. I do now though. I can see it, but it’s just out of reach no matter how much I try. I’m not sure how it’s going to look, but I have an idea of how I’d like it to. I can’t guarantee any of it though. I guess I just have to let go of that to focus on what I can plan for in regards to myself and let things with others fall wherever they will.
But it’s scary and for the first time in my life I wish I had a plan for where I want to go.
If you’ve been enjoying the blog, please consider tipping me on Ko-Fi!