Content note: mention of sexual assault.
For the last decade I’ve been polyamorous and in non-monogamous relationships. Overall I can confidently say that I’ve felt pretty good about it, and it’s had a positive impact on my life. I’ve met some really amazing people and had a lot of profoundly memorable experiences with them. It also lead me to my partners of many years now, Fenric and Verne, who are absolutely incredible people that I care about deeply and who have been such loving supports in my life.
Which is why it’s so frustrating and upsetting to me that ethical non-monogamy and polyamory have both felt very overwhelming and unsafe for the last few years. Though it’s really no surprise why.
There’s been a lot of hurtful situations from 2020 – 2023 between having to live with an extremely abusive metamour during the pandemic, a major partner gradually replacing me with somebody else while gaslighting and isolating me in our shared home, a roommate sexually manipulating and emotionally abusing me, and another partner mistreating and punishing me for my ADHD and autism symptoms. I’ve also had partners suddenly breakup with me and ghost me (the day after my birthday), and even some just sort of stop having space or time for me in their lives while actively starting new relationships. It’s been a lot of broken trust, a lot of toxic homes, a lot of feeling discarded, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of guilt, and shame, and walking on eggshells, and apologizing for being neurodivergent.
Yet despite all of that I’ve tried my best to remain hopeful and keep putting myself out there. This past September I took a big jump forward with that, going out on a coffee social with somebody I had been chatting to and flirting with on and off for months. I liked them. I was excited, I was feeling cute and positive, conversation was going well so we went for a drive together to talk more, and then they sexually assaulted me. The impact of that has resonated with me ever since.
My self worth has hit a new low these past few months. I’ve felt unwanted, unsafe, unstable, like I don’t belong anywhere, I’m not wanted anywhere, and like I’m just a letdown to everyone around me. My emotions have been all over. I’m incredibly needy and clingy, craving affirmation and comfort, constantly experiencing anxiety spirals and dread. When my partners are out I’m overthinking and obsessing over it, hyper-fixated on what they’re doing and how our agreements may be at risk and/or that I’m not measuring up to what their needs and wants are. I feel like everything is on the verge of imploding at any moment, that my relationships aren’t stable or safe. And worst of all, I don’t feel good in polyamory and non-monogamy right now. And if I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t for a long time.
Some of my my bigger feelings and observations around whats going on internally recently have been these:
- It’s very difficult making new connections as a 37-years-old nonbinary queer,
- I’m not a traditionally attractive person. I’m very niche when it comes to people’s desires. That is to say that those who are into me for my unapologetic queerness, my gender nonconfomity, my big soft tummy, bodacious booty, and my hairy and curvy body, are REALLY into it, but that demographic is quite small (normally I’m okay with this but it’s felt very lonely lately),
- I have a lot of trouble fitting into both the polyamorous community overall and LGBTQ+ spaces as a fat, hairy, nonbinary queer in their late 30s,
- I don’t feel very welcome in cishet or LGBTQ+ spaces most of the time, and generally feel like I’m seen as “too much”,
- I feel left behind and really lonely, lacking in close social supports and friendships,
- I’m constantly afraid that some new, shiny person is going to overwhelm the safe spaces I’ve created with my partners, or make me become less important and desirable in comparison,
- I trust very carefully and slowly, and generally need to be more guarded due to my past experiences and the overall attitudes toward LGBTQ+ folks,
- I’ve spent so much time in survival mode that I didn’t prioritize myself in the past and I’m paying for that now in terms of my self-perception, worth, confidence and comfort in having my needs, wants, and desires met,
- I’ve felt really disconnected and sad about kink and not meeting my desires for BDSM dynamics, and that’s impacted my personal wellness.
There was a brief time in early 2022 when I was having some more positive non-monogamy moments in the form of fun threesomes and group play with Fen and some safe friends. But those haven’t happened in a long time. For the last two-ish years it’s mostly been a bunch of rejection and me basically just not really being able to make friends or form new, strong connections.
And, like, I know I’m not owed anything, of course. Life happens, people are busy, we live in a capitalistic hellscape. But man… I miss having fun group sex, I miss having close friends, I miss having social supports, I miss dating and enjoying ethical non-monogamy, but most of all I miss feeling good about myself.
But what to do about it? I’m honestly not sure. There are certainly people I really want to be closer to, and to explore bonds with and be open to experiences with. But I also am just so overwhelmed and exhausted and I want to protect and preserve the relationships I have right now, exactly as they are. It’s pretty big conflicting feels.
Over the coming months I plan to focus on these struggles a lot. I’m not positive exactly how it’s going to look but I think I need to take time to:
- refocus my commitment to myself,
- put more into forming strong friendships and a support network,
- re-connect with non-monogamy in an affirming and self-fulfilling way,
- start putting myself out there dating again, and,
- seek empowering and satisfying ways to meet my needs and desires around sex and kink.
I’ll write about that process here as much as I’m able to! How I’ve been feeling, things that have been working, things that haven’t been working, how I’ve been re-centring myself and looking after my needs. I hope it helps anyone out there going through the same sort of stuff. In the meantime, please wish me luck and if you’ve had similar experiences and struggles as I have I’d love if you were comfortable sharing them in the comments below. Thank you for reading!
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