[CW: the post is filled with sexually explicit, NSFW pics of girl cock.]
Welcome to the LONG overdue fourth installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!
So far I’ve stressfully penetrated some warm apple pie, then made a mess of everything while trying to masturbate with jell-o, and last installment I actually almost had a great time fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
But let’s not live in the past, let’s get to what you’ve waited months for. After the last post was a poll for what y’all wanted me to fuck next, and the results have spoken:
I’mma fuck a pool noodle.
How Much Does It Cost to Fuck It?
$1.25. Seriously. Go to your nearest dollar store and so long as it is spring or summer there’ll be fucktonne of pool noodles sitting around in some box for a buck-something. Pick your favorite color, I guess, and yeah, you’ve got yourself a pool noodle to fuck.
Oh, also, a LOT OF LUBE. Not even kidding here. I cannot stress enough how shitty trying to stick your penis into a pool noodle is without lube. It’s shitty. Really, really shitty. These things are essentially sponges, only they don’t get soft when they’re wet and the inside of them is about as uncomfortable to touch as… well, a pool noodle. I mean, if you’ve ever stuck your fingers in one of those things then you know how that feels. It’s not pleasant, so lets not pretend that it is.
Okay, so now if you’re also just going to go to Walmart or the local pharmacy to grab a cheap lube then you’re probably looking at another $6 to $10 there too. Just DON’T skip on the lube. Don’t do it. You’ll friction burn your fucking dick without it. Goddamn, don’t do it without the lube.
Total cost: $10 to $15 CAD
NOTE: You wanna know how to save $10 though? Just don’t fucking do it all. Keep reading for why. Or don’t! You know? I mean we all know how fucking cheap these things are, how small those holes are, and how awful they feel when you finger them, so, like, there’s no surprise coming here. It’s exactly what you think it is. But if you really, really want to read about me smooshing my girl cock into this thing and see pictures of me tearing it open with my erection like the Hulk tears out of his shorts then by all fucking means…
How Much Prep Will This Take?
Well, like, not a whole lot. I mean, once you got your pool noodle and your lube then it’s pretty simple from there. It all come down to the amount of effort you want to put into having some form of fun here. And let me tell ya, you’re gonna have to get creative with this thing because I genuinely cannot imagine taking this to my bed and trying to just casually masturbate with it.
Not gonna happen.
Personally, I ran a lukewarm bath, grabbed my uberlube, and tried to make an afternoon of it with my partner snapping pics. It didn’t make fucking it any better BUT we did have fun, so, there’s that!
What Is It Like to Fuck?
Terrible. I whole-heartedly believe that there is nothing you, or I, could ever do that would make a pool noodle, on its own (without serious modification), a pleasurable choice for a masturbation sleeve. And unless your penis gets no thicker than a highlighter when erect then you’re simply going to waste the $10-ish dollars you spent to get here by just fucking wrecking this thing within minutes.
So there you are with aggravated, red genitals and a torn pool noodle that NOBODY will ever enjoy now. Shame!
The only thing that could ever make this possibly work as a masturbation sleeve is if for some bizarre, and entirely unlikely, reason the makers of pool noodles choose to just completely re-invent the whole goddamn thing with penises in mind.
That’s it. It’s the only way.
So, get to it pool noodle designers/manufacturers! I know you’re out there. Some of you may even be reading this right now after searching for pool noodles on google and, look, I’m sorry about all of this, but you’re here now and I’m telling you that you gotta go back to square fucking one here.
I mean, fact is that Millennials are killing the pool noodle industry. [Disclaimer: I have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to substantiate this claim.]
It’s true and it’s just going to keep getting worse for sales. [Disclaimer: this is most likely entirely false.]
But if you make these things into big floaty sex toys I guarantee you that pool noodles will come back in a big way, y’all. Until then, bloggers like me are gonna stick their girl cocks in them and post about how cheap and shitty they are and nobody’s gonna buy them… for sexual purposes, at least.
I even stuck my girl cock into one of those damn pool noodle connector things because why the fuck not, you know? Way too roomy for penises. So, you got pool noodles which are WAY too damn narrow to fit a penis in, and then you got pool noodle connectors that have enough room for at least two dicks and four testicles (maybe try frotting in it with a friend? I dunno). Ridiculous!
Do I look I’m having a good time?
No. No, I fucking do not. And I blame you pool noodle and pool noodle connector manufacturers.
Is that unreasonable of me? No, of course not! Maybe. Okay, yeah, it is. But I just spent an afternoon trying to masturbate with these things and I see so much missed potential.
1 out of ten, only because this whole thing was hilarious and that pic of my girl cock tearing the pool noodle is magnificent. I might frame it. Would NOT recommend that anyone else do this though.
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