[CW: this post is filled with sexually explicit, NSFW pics of girl cock.]
After a 6-month hiatus, here it finally is: the fifth installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…” (not counting “Mx Nillin Fucks… None of These Things“). What the hell is this, you ask? Well, it’s a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far, as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!
So far I’ve stressfully penetrated some warm [okay, really hot] apple pie, then made a huge fucking mess of the kitchen while trying to masturbate with jell-o, followed by actually almost having a great time fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and most recently not even getting remotely close to orgasming with a pool noodle.
To date, nothing’s been very good. Except for maybe the PB&J sandwiches. That shit has potential if you can commit to making it work for you.
But this time, it’s personal. I’m going back to my youth, y’all. Back to 12-year-old Nillin getting off with the first household item they used as a sex toy.
That’s right, I’m fucking a teddy bear.
How Much Does it Cost to Fuck It?
Anywhere from free to upwards of $20 or more, I guess.
If you have one laying around your house somewhere and you’re really horny, then, bingo-bango, you’re in business. Costs nothing and you don’t even have to leave your damn house the day before Valentine’s Day to awkwardly feel up stuffed animals designed to be gifts for your partner(s), but that you know you’re buying to masturbate with.
Cause that’s the worst part of this whole thing. It’s picking up those adorable plushies off of the shelf and looking them right in their cold, empty, beady little eyes… seeing them stare back at you with that happy smile permanently stitched onto their fluffy face when some fucking staff member comes along and and is all “aww, that’s so cute, I bet your partner loves it!” and you’re all “I WASN’T PLANNING TO FUCK THE TEDDY BEAR!?! OKAY, ETHAN!?!”; and Ethan doesn’t know what the fuck is going on and now people are staring and it- it’s just unpleasant, okay?!
Anyway, if you have to buy a teddy bear then it really comes down to how much you want to invest in what’s essentially going to be your one night stand with a fluffy fuck sleeve.
I say one night because if you ejaculate inside that teddy bear than that shit is done… okay? I don’t care if you spent $30 on a fancy one. Don’t go keeping a fucking semen filled teddy bear around on your fucking bed or something.
Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.
Or mold. Ew.
Note: I didn’t actually yell at some retail worker named Ethan. I just walked in, picked a bear out, bought it for $12.99 and left. So, don’t worry! Be cool and if anyone asks you if you need any help just give ’em a big ol’ “no thank you.”
How Much Prep Will This Take?
About as much as it takes you to find a pair of scissors to cut a hole in it that looks like it’s big enough to stick your penis in. So, I dunno, 2 mins if you’ve got your life in order and know where your fucking scissors are. In my case: 20 minutes, because I have no fucking idea where any of my shit is.
What’s It Like to Fuck?
GLORIOUS. Oh, how I had forgotten how good it felt to masturbate with a plushie. The soft, fluffy exterior against my hands. The gentle polyester fiber filling surrounding my girl cock, rubbing against every inch of me all at once.
Gave me full on flashbacks to the large sized tiger stuffed animal I had as a tween. I cut a hole in it’s butt and humped that thing ALL the time. Only I was young, and naive, and I did NOT throw that tiger away, and that’s how I got ants…
Alas, not all teddy bears are created equal and not only was mine difficult to hump cause it wasn’t as big as that old tiger plush, but it also wasn’t filled with as much stuffing. As a result, I spent most of my time trying to maneuver all the polyester filling around in a way that gave me sustainable pleasure for long enough to orgasm, but it just wasn’t happening.
I tried once with my nesting partner watching (while taking photos), and once on my own while reading sexts from our dating partner. Neither attempt resulted in an orgasm from penetrating the teddy bear itself.
Also, remember those beady little eyes and that permanent, adorable smile I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that shit was staring into my fucking soul, so, I had to face it away from me. Cause nooooo thank you, judgement bear.
Yet despite not cumming in it, I still had a REALLY fucking great time jerking it with this teddy.
Which brings us to the rating, a historic…
8 outta fucking 10!
That’s right! The highest score yet for what is, by far, the best thing featured in this series, to date! Which is awesome considering that the last thing, the pool noodle, got a 1/10. That shit was awful y’all.
Also, interesting observation: this is the only thing that y’all didn’t choose for me to fuck; and it wasn’t awful… coincidence!?!? I think fucking not! Jerks…
Wait, did I say jerks? I meant friends! Yes, my wonderful friends.
Hey, amazing friends, did you know that in two weeks time it is officially the 1-Year-Anniversary of “Mx Nillin Fucks”!? That’s pretty exciting, right? Well, I wanna fuck something special for it, so, if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments below or tweet me @MxNillin.
And remember when I called you friends and not jerks? Yeah, so, you know. Keep that in mind. *nervously gulps*