CW: This post contains discussion and descriptions of transphobic remarks, sentiments, and comments.
[Header image courtesy Broadly’s “Gender Spectrum Collection: Stock Photos Beyond the Binary“]
[UPDATE March 12, 2020: Rebels Notes is now running a “new” version of the Smut Marathon called The Blogable Fiction Marathon. Before you consider participating in this event, or any other run by Rebels Notes, May Moore, and/or Submissy, be sure to catch yourself up on their very long, very awful, and very public, history of transphobic abuse and bigotry as highlighted in this post.]
This isn’t going to be a positive, or even a nice post. I’m pissed off. Everybody I talk about in here has shown a contemptuous disregard for trans bloggers and people in general over an extended period of time, all while simultaneously claiming to be victimized by the very marginalized individuals they continue to disrespect and mock. So, fuck it, we weren’t ever going to be friendly anyway and I won’t be collaborating with any of them ever again (so long Wicked Wednesday!).
This post in particular ultimately comes down to the fact that if I had witnessed any of the following in regards to any other writing event I definitely would have been calling that shit out. As such, here’s why there’s a major transphobic and queerphobic laced bigotry problem with the renowned Smut Marathon competition from Marie Rebelle, aka Rebels Notes:
As many of you are likely unaware, at the very end of February 2020 the husband of a moderately known UK blogger, May More of “ifsexmatters” [she doesn’t get links from here], posted a “satirical” article in which he pretends to be a 300-year-old vampire that spills his vitriol for “General Gender, and her equally charmless fellow officers, Major Transplainer and Corporal Cant“. It just blathers on for hundreds of words mocking, demeaning, belittling, and ultimately vilifying trans people for wanting their pronouns and identity respected. Mr. More’s, aka Inigo More’s, decidedly merciless logic is that he doesn’t have to respect trans people or pronouns because, hold onto your hats: he doesn’t want to and feels he shouldn’t have to.
Wow. That shit is deep.
If you want to read it, it’s called “Soldiers in the Army of the World“, go ahead and look for it. It’s about as awful as you’d expect something like that could be and Mr. More doubling down in his own comments section by mocking any bloggers who spoke out gives you a really solid sense of who he is as a person. It’s not pretty. Classic edgelord behavior, only it’s from your retired and bored dad.
[UPDATE May 11, 2020: Inigo’s entire blog has been deleted, and the transphobic “Soldiers in the Army of the World” post is now gone. But the internet never forgets. To see a PDF backup of the original post as well as the ignorant comments from several sex bloggers, before it was all deleted, CLICK HERE.]
Needless to say, the trans sex bloggers, writers, readers, educators, and others, who did happen to see this post, were pretty fucking devastated. Not that Mr. More or his fans cared, of course. Why should they? They have the right to be awful and shitty all they want and if it offends anyone else, well, too bad!
That cheery bunch included several other UK bloggers such Missy [who writes as “submissy”], Sweetgirl A Submissive Wife [she rebranded after being called out], SassyCat3000 [I know that she’s American but she threw herself in], Melody [of “melodyinsights”], HisLordshipUK and Marie Rebelle, the multiple-award winner and much celebrated blogger who writes at “RebelsNotes”, who all gleefully praised, and in many cases added to, Mr. More’s callous tirade with further ridicule and justification for misgendering.
Yes. You read that right. Marie Rebelle, or Rebels Notes. Organizer of the Smut Marathon. Who also runs the “Wicked Wednesday” bloggers prompt.
[UPDATE April 17, 2020: Melody has since written a post indirectly calling myself and any other trans blogger speaking up nazis, narcissists, and perpetual victims. The others mentioned above, of course, liked that post. Sadly, several other of our peers not previously involved also liked and shared it as well, revealing just how invasive transphobia really is in this community, and how quickly folks will reveal their anti-trans sentiments when bigotry is treated as “opinion”.]
Let’s also not forget to acknowledge that SassyCat, one of the other folks who has been throwing in with Marie Rebelle and May More. She runs “Sex Bloggers for Mental Health” and condoned this incredibly toxic and harmful hate piece too. I’d link to some resources on trans deaths by suicide and the rate of self-harm and attempts at suicide among trans individuals, but what’s the point really? She’s silently liked and supported that crowd for months now.
UPDATE: Through a series of tirades throughout the months of May and June of 2020, Sassy Cat not only continued to mock trans bloggers for speaking up but also wished that both myself and others within the community would literally die from Covid-19, or get hit by a truck. She also compared trans people with those who practice beastiality and overall, on numerous occasions such as these, made it abundantly clear that she was not supportive of trans people, their identities, their pronouns, or their lives.
Fast forward to the third voting round of the renowned Smut Marathon on March 29, 2020. One of those aforementioned bloggers, Sweetgirl, publicly comments on the only piece of erotica out of 67 entries that features trans characters by complaining about a trans women using female pronouns when she has a penis: “The female pronouns used with male genitalia made it difficult for me. I know this might not be PC to say but I want to be honest.”
Fucking yikes, am I right? Oof. Totally unnecessary, blatant cisnormativity and cissexism, yet said with complete conviction.
This coming from the women who, now unsurprisingly, “loved” Mr. More’s anti-trans tirade and found it very “entertaining and amusing”.
Feel free to un-follow and/or block her, if you’d like! She clearly doesn’t care anyway.
[UPDATE May 4, 2020: Sweetgirl has rebranded her site to “A Submissive Wife”. She has yet to publicly apologize to the trans community or any of the trans bloggers she has harmed. Further, according to her new introduction she seems to think that it was all a big misunderstanding and she was unfairly bullied for her actions.]
But I digress. The author that she subjected to her unnecessary and transphobic criticism was rightfully upset, made a vague tweet about it, and Sweetgirl was predictably eager to respond by reiterating that it’s not that she was “uncomfortable” with the pronouns… no, no. It’s just that as a straight women she doesn’t particularly read or enjoy any queer erotica because it doesn’t arouse her or bring her any pleasure at all.
Awesome. What supremely helpful and totally not at all shitty and abrasive feedback.
Now yes, Sweetgirl is not a jury member for the Smut Marathon 2020, and therefore cannot really be said to have any actual impact on the rulings. Thankfully.
But do you know who IS a jury member for Smut Marathon this year? Why it’s Mr. More’s wife, May More! That’s absolutely not a major fucking issue with the ethics of that jury at all, right?
(NOTE: it definitely fucking is.)
Now I could say that May More should immediately step down from the jury in light of her support of her husband’s bigoted, transphobic rants toward both her blogging peers who are trans, and trans people in general, but we all know that’s not likely to happen.
It’s also not likely to happen that Marie Rebelle issues any sort of formal comment explaining why she too continues to support and tiptoe around directly expressing anti-trans rhetoric herself, all while insisting that she’s a nice person and simultaneously working to situate herself as a victim of the mean old trans agenda.
Nope. Never.
And that’s a MASSIVE fucking shame because I think it’s a pretty fair bet to say that I know who’s not going to be winning the Smut Marathon anytime soon under these shadows: trans authors or anyone writing erotica featuring trans characters. Especially not any with gender neutral pronouns or, as Sweetgirl kindly pointed out in Round 3, “female pronouns” for “male genitalia”.
Fact is that there is simply nothing fair or ethical about a competition organized, and at least partially judged, by ignorance. There just isn’t. It throws the whole thing into disrepute and makes for results tainted with toxicity, prejudice, and discrimination.
What you do with that information is up to you, of course. I’m not saying everybody needs to just quit the Smut Marathon right now.
However, if you’ve ever thought of me or literally any other trans blogger as a peer, or enjoyed our work, had nice interactions with us, learned things, or even gotten off to any of our sexy content, please don’t be silent.
Say something.
Let those involved with the Smut Marathon know that you see these behaviors from them and it’s not okay in a community that works hard to be “sex positive” and supportive of people of all sexualities, romantic orientations, and gender identities and expressions.
Those of us alienated, ostracized, and dehumanized by these repeated instances see that silence and the complacency of our peers too. It fucking sucks and hurts.
This keeps happening, it needs to stop.
Honestly, I’m not even remotely surprised this divide has happened though. I’ve seen it happen countless times in every community I’ve ever been a part of where trans and queer people exist.
Me being queer and trans divided and destroyed my family as the majority of them disowned me and treated me like I was a disgusting disappointment to them for loving and accepting myself in a way they deemed deviant and repugnant.
The trans community of my home town of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, was also ostracized and thrown under the bus as the lesbian and gay leaders started prioritizing being friendly with the city’s conservative demographic, the police, and mayoral office, rather than speaking out against rampant transphobic street harassment and intimidation. As a result almost every trans person I knew of living there has since moved away or gone back into the closet.
The existence of trans people also divided the Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby communities all across North America with numerous leagues folding because half of it’s membership supported trans skaters and the other half wouldn’t “play with perverted men pretending to be women to molest us”.
So honestly, this really hurts, just like it always does, but I’m also so used to it at this point that it’s just… like… a given now.
Speak up with us and help us make this community a safe, welcoming, and enriching environment for everyone. It’s just not going to work if people keep looking the other way and staying quiet about the effects that racist, sexist, queerphobic, or transphobic rhetoric have on our most vulnerable peers and friends.
Make the fucking waves.
I was wondering if you had a particular part of ‘Soldiers in the Army of the World“ that was offensive towards you or felt was anti-trans. I have read the post but did not feel like it was offensive as such but am willing to be informed.
The entire piece focused on mocking and demeaning trans and non-binary people, painting them as militant, nazi like characters who want to control peoples thoughts by asking that their identity be respected. If you dont see then 🤷♀️ I dunno what else to say because it’s clearly the intent of the author to cause offense, to ridicule, and to further insult anyone who expresses having been negatively impacted by it. All of which is clearly exemplified both by his statements in the piece itself, and the comments section following it.
If this same piece was written in the same manner about feminists and women, the whole sex blogging community would be outraged. But no, it’s about trans people, so, they don’t care. It’s BS.
This debacle has highlighted how deep these kinds of beliefs run in the sex blogging world. Thank you for highlighting it and for helping others see the challenges you face every day. I know that I have learned from you and others.
A note to fellow cis people (disclaimer, this comment is the suggestion of one cis, white, queer woman with plenty of privilege and I claim to speak for noone but myself.):
If after reading this post and comments in agreement, you feel called out, defensive, confused, or, don’t get why this is a big deal, I encourage you to take a few minutes to read from more people before you comment or make snap judgements.
Maybe an easy entry point will be these posts by cis bloggers:
https://kaylalords.com/2020/04/these-moments-bigger-than-we-think-they-are/
https://victoriablisse.co.uk/blog/standing-with-my-trans-and-non-binary-brothers-sisters-inbetween-and-beyonders
https://coffeeandkink.me/2020/04/16/transphobia/
And here are some additional posts by trans bloggers that are good reads on the subject:
https://queerdoconfusion.wordpress.com/2020/02/19/transphobia-in-sex-blogging/
https://onqueerstreet.com/2020/04/15/nice-people-misgender/
(Some of these are in the comment pingbacks, just wanted to gather them so people have less reason to request additional labor from trans people.)
Also, note: it’s often considered best to read directly from marginalized people instead of from their supporters when learning about issues. But I recognize that some people will better something written by someone more like them, so posts from cis people are at least somewhere to start, but reading from trans people themselves is especially important.
Side note: I phrased all this politely because in my place of privilege I have the energy to do that. Historically, polite efforts from marginalized people aren’t heeded nearly enough, but then when any rudeness is sensed, that’s all some readers can focus on and they demand more gentle words… But they’d ignored previous gentler words. We aren’t owed a certain tone when people speak up about issues. Tone policing has no place when marginalized people who are fed up with being mistreated speak up.
So if you rankle at and want to immediately discount posts that seem angry, think about the fact that a lot of people speaking up have been doing so for years, often have a lot at stake, and the same injustices and mistreatment keep happening again and again. Their words shouldn’t be ignored just because they may not be phrased in a way that’s comfortable to everyone. These aren’t comfortable topics. And it’s not the job of marginalized people to make others comfortable when talking about issues.
This has turned into a bit of a ramble, so, TL;DR of this one cis woman’s suggestions: if you’re not trans and reading about these issues makes you feel negative emotions (besides ones against the injustices/harm done to trans people), and you’re willing to learn and want to do better, read from more people speaking up about the issues in support of trans people. And don’t tone police or discount posts about seriously issues because of tone.
Nillin, thank you for writing this post, and for all your labor informing about people within sex positive spaces harming trans people and making these supposedly inclusive spaces exclusionary. Especially when you yourself are targeted (whether as catalyst or result), which must be especially exhausting. You are a lovely person and deserve so much better treatment. And nobody deserves to be treated shittily for being trans–at all, but especially in circles that supposed embrace sexuality.
Thank you.
Thank you for this post. Thanks for the work you do in this community, and for holding these people to account.
This is not good enough. TBH I couldn’t get all the way through that blog because the writing was so bad, but what I did read was awful. As were the comments. Absolute trash. You’re right, it’s real Dad/uncle “humour.” Totally tone deaf to what’s actually going on in the world and how their prejudice affects people in the real world. The comment about “female pronouns” and “male genitalia” is particularly regressive and backwards, in my eyes.
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this.
I’m v much on the fringes of the sex blogging community (writing mostly for me tbh!) so hadn’t been aware of this, but I will try and keep my eye on competitions etc from now on so I can hopefully be a vocal ally.
You have my absolute support, I was horrified by That Blog Post, revolted by the show of support it got, and saddened by the ignorant and unkind feedback on smut marathon.
I love your work, and have learned so much from your writing and that of other sex bloggers who write about gender fluidity or trans perspectives (shout out to Quinn Rhodes, Quenby and JenetalTorture).
Unkindness and closed-mindedness has no place in this community, and we cis sex bloggers mustn’t tolerate it just because facing it down is uncomfortable.
As part of the LGBT+ community this breaks my damn heart. The thing is if you offend an entire community with your words the thing to do is not double down and get defensive but apologise and take this time of open dialog to learn and grow. We all make mistakes and hurt people for any number of reasons but when I’ve done it I’ve always apologised and asked what I can do to not repeat mistakes.
My mum sends her love and support too. She’s a middle aged, straight white woman who has taken me and our non-binary friend to both London Pride and Trans Pride.
I completely support you in this. I have tried to have discussions to explain to people but as you know, when people don’t want to listen, they don’t hear and they interpret everything that doesn’t support them as an attack. I’m exhausted by it as an ally. But, I will not give up or stand by silent because none of this is OK. I am angry that people have made this community and unsafe space for trans people. I want to cheer and celebrate you, Quinn and Quenby for all you have done in this. BUT you should never have had to because people need to be decent human beings and respect people. You can all count on my support 100% and call on me anytime. I’m @ht_honey on twitter.
The only good that comes out of this is that it’s easy to see who is decent and inclusive and who is not. Knowing that there is a core of awesome is how we will move forwards with zero tolerance for transphobia.
Thank you for writing this and bringing it to the forefront. This hasn’t been easy for you. I think some people have the mistaken impression that you and other queer and trans people thrive on conflict, that you brew it for fun — that’s not remotely the case. This is hard, this is stressful, and it might even be traumatic (as trauma differs from person to person).
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is a long time coming.
Nillin, this is an important post, and thank you for writing it. Sorry I didn’t share it yesterday, I was having a weird one. I don’t think there is much I can add to this that you haven’t already said, but I spotted your tweet this morning and wanted to leave a comment in support. You’re right: this can’t be an inclusive community if it’s peppered with bigotry, and no erotic writing competition can be fair if it’s judged by people who are ‘uncomfortable’ about sex which isn’t cishet. It shouldn’t need saying, and it’s wildly depressing that it still does, and thank you for saying it.
I 100% dropped out of the SmutMarathon this year because of the association with transphobia. It was obvious that none of the direct or indirect feedback was getting through and I frankly couldn’t stomach the thought of being a part of it. My only regret in that was not having the presence of mind to be more open and transparent about it when it happened but I was grieving the fact that bloggers I looked up to and admired had let us all down. But lo and behold, the chickens have come home to roost, as they say, and here we are, amidst a shitstorm.
This is a chilling thing of which I (tubby middle aged bearded white middle class dude in no particular order) was, unsurprisingly, not aware. The philosophical reasons I hang out here are bound in the inclusivity of the kinky movement. The don’t yuck anyone else’s yum thing. This sucks
I have just read your post
I have never in my life been brought to tears by someone who I have never met. But you have.
You know nothing about me. About my life. My feelings. My beliefs.
You have taken small interactions and used them to create a narrative of your own.
I would NEVER treat anyone the way you have treated me.
I respect EVERYONE’S right to be treated with kindness and that is how I live my life.
You have never had so much as a conversation with me and yet you feel informed enough to publically hang me.
I am always happy to learn and be educated, but I do not wish to be shouted at or sworn at.
If you ever wish to talk to me you can do so but I doubt you will. I don’t believe you want to because you would find your opinion of me is completely wrong.
I hope you stay safe and well,
Sweetgirl.
You really, really don’t get it, do you? The harm your ignorance has caused me and many other trans bloggers, writers, creators, and readers. All while you’ve openly dismissed, disrespected, and disregarded us even when literally none of us did a fucking thing to you. We’ve all seen your passive aggressiveness and privilege spewed so openly with your little posse of transphobic bigots for MONTHS. Each of you writing your think pieces on how your intent matters, yet none of you acknowledging that your intent has always VERY CLEARLY been nothing but toxic, callous, patronizing, demeaning, and self-aggrandizing.
You think all of us haven’t cried over the months watching your vitriol spill out into this community? So sorry If I don’t have much empathy for your crocodile tears.
In fact, THANK YOU, for this completely tone deaf and manipulative comment. Thank you for affirming what we all now know to be true: that you have a rotten core.
None of us owe you anything because YOU started on this path. YOU threw in with that bigoted crowd and you laughed and taunted transgender individuals and those who supported us. You chided us on to unfollow you. You shunned those who spoke out about your behaviors (Molly Moore, Kayla Lords, and Violet Fawkes all got a real solid first hand account of that). And now EVERYONE sees it. Everyone. All your peers, your readers, all of us.
Good. We aren’t kissing your feet or patting your back, no matter how hard you try to spin this.
Now don’t ever fucking come to my blog again.
These are cis women’s tears.
Not everything is about your feelings, and you are not the victim here. These tools will not save you.
I’m a white, cis woman and believe me I’ve had to do this work too. It’s ongoing. It’s not good enough to aspire to “treat everyone with kindness” when you’re not aware of how invisible systems of privilege and disprivilege colour all our interactions. Go away and learn on your own time, and come back to this with fresh eyes.