One of the single biggest questions that has been on my mind ever since I came to understand myself as queer and genderqueer is: how the hell do I sexy!?
Seriously. What IS “sexy” for non-binary and genderqueer folk? Can we even be sexy, or is that only for peeps who identify within the binary?
I mean, just consider for a moment exactly how “sex appeal” and attractiveness is presented throughout society. You don’t really need to look much further than whats playing on your television, or at any of the ad campaigns for lingerie stores like Victoria’s Secret and Calvin Klein, to see that it’s all binary and predominantly cis. Ripped masculine men and thin feminine women. That’s the ideal.
Even within LGBTQIA+ spaces, the gender binary perseveres. Most all discussions, education, resources, and narratives focus around gay men, lesbian women, bisexual men and women, trans women, trans men, and so on and so forth.
As a genderqueer person I’ve long struggled with seeing myself as a sexual being at all because I have always been taught that sex happens between binary genders. From sex education to mainstream porn, even in sex art and erotica, it’s all predominantly cis men and women. Sure, some sites do delve into the trans demographic, however, in most cases they are generally laced in ignorance and transphobic slurs are widely utilized as degrading marketing gimmicks. And even when there are self-identified trans performers they are always presented through heavily binarist lenses.
So, dysphoria has long reigned supreme in the bedroom for me as I struggle to feel comfortable and sexy in my own skin. But all is not lost! Here are a few tips from this non-binary queer to any of you enbys out there struggling with feeling sexy in the big shitty sea of cisnormative sexuality:
Keep It On!
Does wearing your binder make you feel more confident in yourself and happier with you body during sexy times? Then leave it on!
Does wearing a comfy dress and a cute bra make you feel sexier and more comfortable? Then don’t take them off!
Super surprising thing that I only recently fully realized (despite it now seeming quite obviously in retrospect): you don’t actually have to get completely naked in order to have sex. In fact, some of the times that I have felt the most banging have been when my partner just hiked my dress up, pulled my panties off, and rode my girl cock hard right then and there. Often times I don’t even get undressed to masturbate as I find that keeping on my bra, a cute top, and nice flowy skirt makes me feel super queer and sexy as fuck while I’m getting off.
So, if you need to wear makeup, or a bra, or your binder, or your underwear, or a skirt, or dress, or a muscle shirt, or your packer, in order to feel comfortable and sexy, then do it!
Set Boundaries and Communicate Needs
Does somebody touching your boobs make you feel super dysphoric? Does penetrative sex make you feel very uncomfortable? Do you really dislike too much focus on your genitalia? Good news! You don’t have to do any of those things if you don’t want to. Communicate with your sexual partner(s) what does and doesn’t make you feel good, discuss your sexual needs, and set healthy boundaries so that everybody involved feels safe and is having fun.
Sidenote: If the person(s) you are about to get intimate works to intimidate, coerce, guilt, or threaten you into having sex in ways you don’t feel comfortable, please keep safe and consider removing yourself from that relationship.
Queer Up Your Vocabulary
Play with terminology, create new terms that work for you, try out different terms of endearment, etc.
My partner and I enjoy some pretty rough sex and BDSM play fairly regularly but one of the biggest struggles at first was BDSM language because everything is so heavily gendered to be about “Daddy”, “Sir”, “Mistress”, “Princess”, etc. As we’re both genderqueer, non-binary folk we had to get creative with dominance and submission titles. When I’m in dom mode my partner refers to me as “Mxtress” (pronounced mix-tress), and when I’m in sub mode I’ve been playing with being called “Pet” or “Toy”.
Might not sound that creative but I also love just being called “slut” when I’m being roughly used or bound.
Ultimately, the sexual terms and vocabulary that you and your partner(s) use don’t need to be justified to anybody else in order for it to be valid. Use the words, terms, titles, labels, etc. that feel right to you and/or your partner(s)!
Watch Queer Porn
And no, I’m not talking about the gay or lesbian porn you find for free on Pornhub. Most of that shit is about as “queer” as The Conjuring 2 is “a true story”. And I’m certainly not talking about all of the porn featuring trans people that is marketed through transphobic slurs for cis people to get off on. I’m talking sites like The Crash Pad Series, FTM Fucker, and Aja Porn Films.
Follow Trans, Enby, and Genderqueer Sex or Porn Blogs
Seriously, there’s soooooo much awesome, free amateur queer porn on Tumblr with endless ideas for practices that you might like applying to your own sex life. Like, oodles of it. Unfortunately, due to Tumblr’s crack downs on pornographic content, they’re a lot harder to find as search results will not yield the results you seek. Dropping some terms in Google search is the way to go. But once you find one, they all just sort of line-up together through notes and re-blogs.
A great starting place is Transqueersxxx. The blog is actually curated by trans and enby identified admins and the photos submitted come from gender diverse folk of all identities, expressions, and bodies. It’s fuckin’ magical. If you see a user you really like, be sure to read the comments along with the post to see if they have a full Tumblr page linked that you can follow for more queer body positive pics.
Sidenote: I’ve submitted nudes here myself so don’t be surprised if you see me flashing my girl cock during your perusal of the posts there.
Hopefully at least some of this helps in your exploration of what makes you feel hot as fuck!
Special thanks and a shout out to The Crash Pad Series for permission to use a few pictures from their shoots!