Welcome to Day 1 of February Photofest 2019 on MxNillin.com
The first two weeks of posts this month will be lewds and nudes from a couple of years back, taken shortly after I first came out. These have NEVER been uploaded to the blog before and thus haven’t been seen by anyone other than my partners and close friends, until now.
I couldn’t even see myself anymore.
Decades of self-loathing, deep shame, and self-destructive behaviors will do that. But I was finally ready to let go of the me that I thought I had to be. I was ready to let go of who my family, teachers, classmates, politicians, religious leaders, and more, expected me to be.
But first I had to unlearn everything I was socialized to both idolize and aspire to.
I had to stop criticizing my personal needs and desires as being perverted, immoral, or weak.
I had to stop denying myself autonomy over my own feelings and my body in favor of “fitting in”.
I had to stop forcing myself to “make a choice”, to “pick a side” about being a “man” or a “woman”, or about being “gay” or “straight”.
It’s easier said than done, but I knew that if I wanted to survive then I’d have to embrace the in-between. I’d have to welcome the “what the fuck?”. So, that’s what I did. I took a deep breath, my whole body quivering, and I jumped head first into the big sea of gender fuckery, queer sexuality, and romantic ambiguity.
And when I first touched myself, now with a deeper, more intimate, more genuine understanding of me, deep down I knew this was it. Everything was going to change. I was never going back and everything ahead of me was loud, proud, and queer as fuck.
This felt too good to be wrong.
Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for a new photo! To see unused pics from this month, advanced previews of posts, and behind the scenes content, become a patron on my Patreon.
Finally, be sure to click the February Photofest 2019 logo below to see pics from other bloggers participating in this year’s event.
11 thoughts on “Feeling Good”
Glad you found yourself and us in this community!
I am too! Thanks for having me!
Thank you so much, and I completely agree!
That’s exactly how I feel
Awesome! I hope it was an affirming read for you then 🙂
I am really looking forward to following along with you and these images and so happy you are taking part in Febphotofest
I’m really excited to be a sharing all of these images with you and all the rest of my readers for the first time too! And I’m excited to see what everyone else participating in Feb Photofest this year puts out there as well.
I love this! My gender is cisgendered lady so I would never say I get the complex feelings that surround embracing a gender identity that wasn’t the one you were assigned at birth, BUT, queer stuff I totally get and for that is tied up with a huge amount of feels for the myriad of ways people express their gender, whether that gender is masculine, feminine, fluid, NB, all of them at once, one at time or none of them at all. I spent a long time worrying that it was just about me fetishising others (and not in the sexy and welcome way), but then I realised posts like this one are more about compersion than sexual arousal if that makes sense. It fills me with joy to see people living as their authentic selves and I am very pleased you are sharing with us 🙂
I’m really glad that while you can’t quite speak to the experiences of non-binary, genderqueer, gender nonconforming, and trans people you can definitely relate through similar feels that all us fabulous queer folks do. I totally get what you mean about feeling compersion for reading about and/or seeing somebody deriving great pleasure from embracing and loving themself! And in my case, of course a little arousal from it is welcome too. On top of all the queer stuff I’m definitely also an exhibitionist haha.
Anyway, excited to be sharing and seeing what all of you are sharing as well!