How I Manage My Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

Earlier this week I posted about how I experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and planned to have at least half of that focus on tips and guidance on navigating it… instead I just ended up doing a deep dive into my own personal journey and how sustained trauma has had such a huge impact on my self-worth and intimate relationships. If you’d like to know the personal context of my journey and why I’ve worked so hard at developing the following coping and calming skills, be sure to check out that post first!

Now, how do I approach and navigate my RSD?

Sometimes, Poorly.

Yeah, look, even with tons of practice and all the personal skillsets in the world, you’re still going to have times when you’re just not gonna handle it all very well. And that’s okay!

Despite my best efforts I still tend to internalize everything and self-isolate. When feelings get particularly bad, I keep them to myself, letting my anxieties and insecurities build until I hit a breakdown and push loved ones even further away, overreact, or jump to unsubstantiated conclusions. In the past this has included making major personal and interpersonal decisions based in strong, yet fleeting, feelings. Those impulsive knee-jerk reactions are things I regret.

Talking About it Directly

Yep, just talking about it is a big help! Whether it’s with your friends, partners, or, like me, you write it out in a blog post, or even a personal journal, directly acknowledging your struggles with these feelings are a crucial step toward slowly gaining more control over the spirals they sometimes trigger.

Consider reaching out to a couple of folks and asking if you can include them as a support contact. Be sure to encourage them to set reasonable boundaries around this though, and hold up your end by not pushing against or outright violating them. If they say that they’re not available to talk while they are at work during the day, then reach out to them when you know they are more likely to be free. If they say that they prefer to only be contacted sometimes, then make sure that you’re not putting too much pressure on then by messaging all of the time.

Another important thing is asking for consent and capacity. We’re all busy, overwhelmed, living our own lives and dealing with our struggles the best that we can. Rather than immediately dumping all of your heavy feelings on somebody, do a quick check in first to make sure they’re up for it! Consider sending a message like “Hey, I’m feeling super depressed and insecure about some stuff. Are you available to chat a bit? I could really do with talking through it.” You’d be surprised at how willing to help people are when you show consideration for their capacity as well!

If you’re able to get in to see a mental health professional, or attend some form of group therapy, those can also prove to be invaluable assets. Group therapy in particular, when made up of members who mesh and vibe, is incredible. Finding a sense of community in mutual understanding, having your experiences affirmed by hearing others talk about theirs, and working as a group to develop the skills, resources, and to thrive more as individuals, is fucking magical with the right team.

Ask For Affirmations

I personally do this in a variety of ways. When it comes to my partners and close friends I’ll just outright ask them for some kind words. It goes a really long way for me to hear something uplifting about myself and my connections to combat negative self-talk and the severe anxiety I’ll feel about my relationships when my RSD is flaring up. Overall I find it much better to be very direct with what I’m looking for. For example: “I’m feeling really unattractive and undesirable right now, can you tell me what you like most about my body?”, or maybe it’s even simpler, “I’ve been having really high anxiety about us… are you still happy in our relationship?”

There are also some really basic ways that you can utilize your personal social media in search of affirmations. Sometimes I’ll post a cute selfie and ask my friends and follower’s to “tell me how cute I am!”, or I’ll share my feelings with a content warning, which almost always prompts at least a few people with similar experiences to talk about their feels too. Its nice and sure beats just sitting there with all of those emotions swimming around and bombarding you.

Build Up Your Emotional Reserve

We’re not always going to have a partner or friend available to provide affirmations when we need them most though. I don’t know about you, but I tend to have the worst anxiety and RSD flareups late at night, long after my partners have gone to sleep, when my mind can especially run away with big thoughts and feelings. Having alternative ways to challenge negative self-talk and internal spirals is pretty imperative for these times.

I’m a very, very visual person. That’s why photos, messages, basically anything I can actual evidence that I can look at and literally see is by far the most effective for me in terms of affirmations. If that sounds like you as well, then I highly recommend you create yourself an emotional recharge space filled with affirmations for yourself. This can be a folder on your desktop or phone, or maybe it’s a wall or whiteboard around your desk or somewhere in your home where you spend a lot of time. Or maybe it’s a photo album or scrapbook you work on.

Whatever it looks like, fill that space with anything and everything that helps you feel affirmed in your relationships and in yourself. Photos with people you care about, screenshots of complimentary messages or comments, mementos that highlight your accomplishments, reminders of finished projects that you’re proud of, your academic accomplishments, whatever works for you!

Since I’m a writer I also try to take screenshots of nice things that people have said about my work, save articles and interviews that have been published about me, news stories that I’ve been in, thank you messages I’ve received from community members and/or readers whom have been positively affected by my writing and/or advocacy, and basically anything that helps me combat the inner critic spouting negative self-talk and bullying me.

Practice Self-Compassion

Now for the hard one…. this one’s internal and honestly, it’s all you. One of the biggest things I’ve learned through individual counselling and group therapy is that long term, what’s really going to get you the extra mile, is to learn how to practice self-compassion. You know how when a close friend of yours is really upset with themself, maybe they’re really feeling the depression, they’re getting down on themselves a lot, and you almost always seem to find the words to help uplift them? That’s the compassion stuff. Their “I really messed up, I’m such a failure” is met by your “Hey! It’s okay, nobody is perfect! You’re doing your best and you’re doing great!”

Now you have to do the same for yourself.

It especially hard when there’s also complex, or childhood, trauma mixed in, and if you’ve been instilled with negative self-talk through years of being criticized, demeaned, gaslighted, and manipulated by others. It takes a lot to re-program that degree of abuse and internalized criticism. But it can be done, and you can start as small as you need!

The next time you have a bad thought about yourself, ideally something that’s on it’s own and not part of a bigger spiral or breakdown, take a moment to see it and offer a counter perspective to your thought. Maybe it’s having plans cancelled on you last minute, your brain might go to “they don’t want to see me, I’m not worth the time” to which you could counter with “it’s okay to feel disappointed, but you’re definitely worth the time”, or go even simple with something like “this feels bad, but I’m okay”.

The more you practice showing yourself compassion, patience, and kindness, the more you’ll start to re-write some of the more overbearing negative messaging you’ve had so unfairly encoded on you.