If you’d have told me even just a year ago that after nearly a decade of being polyamorous I’d start to seriously contemplate the role of nonmonogamy in my life, I never would have believed you. When I first started to practice nonmonogamy back in 2015 I did so without any intention of actually becoming polyamorous. It was all about the fun sexy time. Fucking my friends every now and then, having threesomes and foursomes and attending sex parties, was exciting and doing it within the boundaries and agreements of my nesting relationship felt comfortable and safe.
Over the years since, I’ve been in a committed triad, I tried out my own form of relationship anarchy, found myself hosting 20+ person orgies and sex parties at a mansion, and at one point I was actively dating six people while simultaneously trying to maintain a variety of FWBs and satellite bonds going on with an additional seven folks. It was fun, for a time, but in 2022 I watched as my polycule collapsed under its own weight of polysaturation, in-fighting, mismatched folks, jealousy, abuse, and poor communication. I then suddenly found myself with just two partners, Fenric and Verne, who I would occasionally enjoy group sex with.
And you know what? I fucking loved it. I didn’t need nonmonogamy in the uninhibited ways I was previously exploring it. I didn’t need regular hookups or a FWBs. I didn’t have a need to date new people or forge new intimate bonds. I was feeling fulfilled and comfortable and like I was finally starting to heal from the many traumas I’d experienced in my life up until now.
But that was just me, both of my partners aren’t quite on the same page as I am and that’s where I’ve been really struggling, sometimes in quite harmful ways. So, when I say that I could not be reading Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond at a better time, I genuinely mean that. It really hit home for me.
Andrea Zanin does a incredible job of compassionately discussing the complexities behind why somebody who may have considered themself nonmonogamous might stop practicing nonmonogamy. They do this through an in depth look at the social norms and expectations we typically face in regards to relationships, unpacking the traditional conditioning we’ve had thrust upon us, presenting the motivations and catalysts behind major shifts in our views of relationships, and ultimately emboldening readers to empathetically reflect on their needs, wants, and desires with kindness and patience for their personal growth. I found a surprising amount of the perspectives on trauma, stress, depression, and evolving needs really resonated with me and helped me accept the feelings I’ve been having.
I also appreciated how Zanin took the time to discuss nonmonogamy not only as an action, but also as an ideal and an identity, because not everybody approaches it the same way. To some, they are nonmonogamous. It is an innate trait to them and as much a part of their identity as their gender and sexual orientation is. To others, such as myself, it is something that they practice, either on their own or with a partner, and it may not be an integral thing to them. Zanin affirms that both are valid, neither is wrong, and that all of us who have experienced nonmonogamy in some form have been impacted by it; the affects of which can teach us a lot about how we form connections of all kinds, intimate or platonic or other, and how we communicate with those around us.
My biggest personal takeaway from reading the book is that nonmonogamy isn’t necessarily a need at this juncture in my life as it was previously, and that’s okay! It isn’t working for me anymore, at least not in the same ways that it did before, and I have the power to adapt however I want to. I can still be polyamorous and not practice nonmonogamy very much. I can still be open to new bonds potentially developing, when and if they feel right, and I can still occasionally seek out sexual experiences to fulfill my specific desires, while also settling down in the ways that I require.
As Zanin asserts: you don’t have to completely stop nonmonogamy forever. You can pause it, slow it, even reform it to better fit who you are and where you’re at in your life as many times as you’d like!
The trick for me now is making peace with the fact that while I may not be entirely comfortable in nonmonogamy in the same ways that my partners are wanting to explore it, I can’t ask them to follow my lead or change their behaviors to ease the big feelings I’m having. I can’t ask them to roost with me how I desire, or to practice nonmonogamy how I’d prefer that they did.
But thanks to Andrea Zanin and Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond, I feel like I’m more capable of letting go, moving forward, being considerate of my partners, and honoring my own needs as I build toward the future that I’m envisioning for myself.
You don’t have to be thinking of becoming post-nonmonogamous, or even be actively practising nonmonogamy in the first place, to benefit from this read though! It is a crucial and affirming resource for anyone reflecting on their attractions, attachment styles, communication skills, life goals, relationship ideals, as well as the interpersonal connections in their life. There’s something of worth in here for everyone, single or partnered, polyamorous or monogamous, even if all it’s doing is getting you to think a little more compassionately about the people, partners, friends, family, peers, neighbours, and even strangers around you.
Thank you to Thornapple Press for providing me with an ARC of this title. All opinions in this review are entirely my own.
Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond releases on August 9th, 2024.