A couple of months ago, with just under two-weeks until the start of February Photofest 2023, Molly Moore made a post that peaked my interest in a big way because of how self-reflective it was. In it, she asked herself the big questions: What is sex? How many people has she had sex with? Does it matter? Does she care?
In the end, she concludes that no, she doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter, and that ultimately she genuinely cannot even recall the exact number of people she’s had sexual interactions with because she lost count a few years ago during her “summer of swinging”. While I generally agree that I don’t really care how many people I’ve had sex with, and it really doesn’t matter anyway, I do also find it very exciting to reflect on it all because up until about a decade ago I basically wasn’t having much of it.
I honestly didn’t really start having a very fulfilling and engaging sex life until I was about 26-years old. Prior to that, I had a couple of experiences during my youth, I snuck out of my house to suck dick in cars when I was a teen, and I had penetrative sex for the first time in my coworkers backyard during a party when I was 21. It wasn’t until I came out as queer and trans, following a period of profound personal growth in the sport of roller derby throughout the early to mid-2010s, that things really picked up for me in a substantial way.
What do I consider sex?
Well, as far as I’m concerned, sex is any sexual act in which sexual pleasure is derived for those involved. That means that blowjobs, handjobs, mutual masturbation, dry humping, fingering, ass eating, edging, etc. is all sex to me. Being trans queer I learned very, very quickly that there are so many diverse ways for people feel good and get off together that isn’t so hyper fixated on a penis going into a vagina or butthole. Expanding my understanding of sexual pleasure to be all encompassing in those ways has really helped me explore what makes me feel good and sexy in affirming ways, and given me plenty of opportunity to discover my sexuality free from shame, fear, and guilt.
Around 2014 I started to have many more exciting sexual experiences thanks to the realization that I’m also polyamorous and non-monogamous. In the years since I’ve been in triads, had threesomes, foursomes, group sex of various combinations, attended orgies, organized sex parties, and generally really leaned into exploring and embracing my sexuality and self. It hasn’t all been fun and games, there’s been guilting, shaming, manipulation, abuse, transphobia, queerphobia, and more, along the way, but through it all I’ve learned to stick up for myself, express my boundaries, and I’ve found some truly great partners and lovers.
At this point I’m partners with three lovely trans queers, Fenric, Queer Prairie Kitten, and Verne. I’m also lucky to still be lovers with my long time good friend, former partner, and current besties-with-benefits, Kate. While I’ve been struggling a great deal with my self-worth and insecurities lately, I’ve also still managed to have some great non-monogamy experiences with my partners and metamours, and I have a lot of fun to look forward to this summer between sexy road trips and more group sex plans.
But what’s the answer? How many folks have gotten down with Mx. Nillin Lore?
48 unique people, exactly.
And I intimately remember every single one of them, for better or for worse. I say that because, sadly, I didn’t necessarily feel safe or affirmed in all cases. But they were all a part of my growth and journey to self-acceptance and understanding.
I’m not really sure how my sex life is going to look going forward. I’ve slowed down a lot when it comes to hookups and even group fun as of late while I focus on reconnecting with myself as a sexual being. I don’t really have a great picture of what my needs, wants, and desires are anymore. Complex PTSD from lifelong trauma has made forming connections hard and scary for me, especially over this last year. I think I just need to take things slow and thoughtfully.
But I’d be lying if I said that being two new fucks short of 50 isn’t really fucking bothering me…
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