Welcome to Day 7 of February Photofest 2019 on MxNillin.com
The first two weeks of posts this month will be lewds and nudes from a couple of years back, taken shortly after I first came out. These have NEVER been uploaded to the blog before and thus haven’t been seen by anyone other than my partners and close friends, until now.
Despite all of the self-exploration I had been doing, all the radical self-love I had practiced, and all of the amazing new experiences that had blown my fucking mind, I still struggled to define and understand myself fully.
Without realizing it, I had allowed myself to get wrapped up in the transition narrative of a “man” becoming a “woman”, even though I knew from the very beginning that wasn’t the path that felt right for me.
There was this subtle, yet invasive, pressure from my peers in the greater trans community, and in the media that shared our experiences, to follow the typical path of transition for people assigned male at birth. You know the one: be depressed and suicidal, come out, start hormones, have “the surgery” so that cis dudes will finally want to fuck you. Boom! Instant happiness and acceptance from society.
Maybe it was a generational thing. Or maybe it was just because non-binary, genderqueer, and gender nonconforming voices and stories just weren’t getting out there enough. I don’t really know.
Regardless, I wasn’t fucking having it.
But I still didn’t know where to go from there. How the fuck does somebody who is neither a “man” or a “woman” feel confident and sexy when everything confident and sexy is shown through “masculine” or “feminine” lenses?
These were thoughts that baby queer Nillin was having back in 2015.
I’d love to say that I have the answers now, but honestly… I don’t. I’m still trying to figure all of this shit out.
Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for a new photo! To see unused pics from this month, advanced previews of posts, and behind the scenes content, become a patron on my Patreon.
And be sure to click the February Photofest 2019 logo below to see pics from other bloggers participating in this year’s event!
2 thoughts on “What even is “sexy”?”
I’m a cisgender woman but I get this. No social lens defined as “sexy” fits everyone, and most don’t fit anyone. We all find our own way. I admire you for rocking your own path 🙂
And I admire you for rocking yours as well! I wish there was a lot more diversity, and queerness, in those lenses elevated by social media, film, television, etc. There’s been some progress for sure but it’s all still rooted in conformity and cisnormativity. But our community is certainly challenging it all!