CW: mention of sexual assault and non-consensual sex.
I’ve been in a hard place, y’all. The other week I found myself in a situation where my boundaries were pushed and violated a great deal through some non-consensual acts, and I’ve been going through a lot of big emotions around it all since then. I don’t want to get into it too much here, except to say that it left me feeling shaken, shocked, unsafe, and just not very good in myself or in my body.
I’m safe now, thanks in large part to having such wonderful partners to lean on and for having safe homes to heal in. I definitely think it’s going to be a long while before I open myself up to intimacy with anyone other than my partners again though. I’d already been having some big ups and downs with sex, my body, and figuring out my non-monogomy needs for quite a while and this was my first attempt at branching out with somebody new again. For it to ultimately lead to me experiencing non-consensual sexual activity, despite my stated boundaries and repeatedly expressing my need to stop, or slow down, really sucks. It was sexual assault.
As I’ve now had a couple of weeks to sit and reflect on this I now find myself wanting to reconnect with, and heal, my sexual self. It’s a practice I’m quite familiar with, unfortunately, having had several very negative and harmful sexual experiences and relationships in my life. But I don’t want my relationship with my body, my intimacy with my partners, and my experiences of sexual pleasure to be mired and scarred by those really harmful incidents.
So, here I am continuing to centre my sexual self, continuing to enjoy my body and bring it pleasure, and continuing to put myself out there, hopefully in a way that helps someone out there. If you too have experienced sexual assault, coercion, manipulation, or anything along those lines, please know that your feelings around it are valid. I believe you, and you deserve whatever peace, comfort, and healing you need in moving forward. I hope that you too can stay connected with your sexual self, as you are worthy of safe, affirming, and respectful pleasure.
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I’m so sorry this happened.
You are very strong to go public, face it head on and thinking of others.
Thank you.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am glad you are taking time to heal and that your partners are so supportive. Trust is such a powerful thing and when broken can really rock our worlds and sense of safety in the world but in who we are as a person too.
Oh and I love your galaxy undies!
Molly