Earlier this month I made a post about how I physically like to be touched with comfort and pleasure in mind, through highlighting all my sensual spots, and it got me thinking about a bunch of stuff that I don’t usually communicate to my partners, lovers, or friends. For example; one thing that I don’t think I’ve ever actually vocalized in any way, is how I like to be complimented.
Now there are definitely specific things that my partners, fuck buddies, and friends could say to get into my pants, but this particular post is more for my readers, peers, and other casual pals.
Because my partners, fuck buddies, and friends, don’t still misgender me or say cisnormative and heteronormative shit on my posts. I mean, most of y’all reading this are all good. It don’t typically find that those who frequent my blog with any regularity tend to leave inappropriate or ignorant comments.
But there are still some fucking times…
So, for everybody else, especially if you’re not super familiar with me or my writing, here’s some stuff that I’d really appreciate you know about before you decide to compliment me on one of my blog posts:
NOTE – Please don’t panic if you’re reading this and feeling worried about if you’ve stepped over boundaries or stuff. If I’ve felt really upset or uncomfortable about anything, trust that I would have reached out about that already and had a conversation with you.
Frustratingly, it seems I need to reiterate that his is a general attempt at me expressing and vocalizing needs/wants that I’ve never expressed or vocalized like this before. I’m generally exhausted with being accidentally invalidated or misgendered, making me feel some hurt and resentment, so it’s important that I express how folks can not do that anymore. And it’s also import that people stop making trans people who are hurt by their actions, regardless of intent, do their emotional labor for them.
I’m exhausted with being made out to be some sort of villain for expressing boundaries and addressing harm being caused to myself and other queer and trans people. I’m exhausted with being pushed aside in favor of the person who cause harm being painted as the one who was hurt by me speaking up for myself. My whole life I have had to tread water with my queerness, constantly walk on eggshells with how I advocate for myself, my partners, my friends, and my community.
I feel that expressing this in a open and honest post such as this is the best way to go about that.
Get to Know The Basics & DON’T Fucking Misgender Me. Thanks!
Hearing any compliment from my partners, friends, or friendly peers, is going to make me feel nice, but unless we share some kind of important personal bond that we’ve BOTH acknowledged as such then I can be very particular about the words people use to describe me. This mostly comes from over a decade of experience with people projecting their cisnormative and heteronormative perceptions on me in really shitty fucking ways that often invalidate or disrespect my sexuality, gender, relationship, and romantic orientation.
And look, I get it, sometimes we say ignorant or uninformed things and it’s completely unintentional. That’s great, I’m glad it wasn’t said maliciously but that doesn’t make it any less shitty to read, okay? Best thing is to just acknowledge the oopsie and change the behavior for next time.
It’s just frustrating because that Ive been blogging as myself here for years. My pronouns are listed fucking everywhere in every bio about me, I have a very accessible “About” page, I’ve been extremely explicit about my gender (I make sure to include something in almost every single one of my pieces that signifies I’m not cisgender), my sexual orientation (I refer to myself directly as queer so often I worry I overdo it), and my romantic orientation (I talk about both of my queer partners all the time), and yet, I STILL get countless people, even fellow sex bloggers sometimes, who misgender me, assume I’m a cis man, and “compliment” me or my writing in ways that can actually feel invalidating.
So I’m a big fucking advocate for people actually reading the social media bios and about pages of bloggers before you interact with them, ESPECIALLY before your start commenting on their body. And in the spirit of mirroring the open communication of needs that I value in my intimate relationships, I am writing this post to explicitly express some thoughts and feelings about interacting with the greater sex community that I’ve never vocalized before!
*Pats myself on my cute back for finally vocalizing and not expecting y’all to just read my mind LOL*
Generally Avoid Gendered Language, Make it Sound Gay
As a non-binary androbabe I have very mixed, often contradictory feels about descriptors with gendered usage histories. Do those feels always make sense? No. No they don’t. But I feel them nonetheless so it is what it fucking is!
That means that descriptors like “pretty”, “gorgeous”, “stunning”, or “beautiful” are NOT typically things that I want to hear from anybody but my partners, Kate and Fal, people I consider decent friends, or people I’m really into, because they understand the complexities and nuances of my gender and sexuality like most others do not. Honestly, hearing those words from most people who aren’t my partners just makes feel really fucking uncomfortable.
However, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve gotten double standard here too because there are a very select group of bloggers and/or friends/peer who call me those things too and I like hearing it from them. I think what it really comes down to is that if I feel comfortable and safe with you, because we’ve chatted enough one on one and I know that you’ve read my blog thoroughly, then you fall into that bubble of folks
Honestly, it’s safest to just ask me! I mean, if we’re friendly peers and you’d like to know if this comfort and safety feeling applies to you, then toss me a message and we can chat! Chatting and communicating about our professional relationship and boundaries is a good thing and I’m always open to having those explicit conversations with folks I work with, or adjacent to!
That being said, please don’t EVER call me “handsome”. I hate it. It feels incredibly invalidating as it is a word I most hear from people who both don’t get me at all and who generally do not respect or acknowledge my gender queerness. So, no thank you on that one!
Anyway, what I’m very awkwardly getting at here is that generally speaking, if we’re not personally chatting a fair amount, then I’d much prefer to be called “breathtaking”, “fetching”, “marvelous”, “fabulous”, “enchanting”, or “ravishing”. When in doubt, think unique words and gay sentiments!
I like hearing awkward queer shit like, “Dang Nillin! Your bedroom eyes are breathaking and that bulge in your panties sure is fetching,” or “Holy hot hell! That booty is mesmerizing, friend!”, or “Wow! Your luscious lips sure are swell!”, or “Oh shit! This picture made me gay as fuck!”
You know what else I consider to be a HELL of a compliment? Just being called “queer”. Seriously, it’s affirming as fuck to me. So just hearing “damn Nillin you look hella fucking queer today!” is guaranteed to make me blush a little and let out a goofy laugh or some shit.
Specific Things I Like Complimented
Pretty simple: my ass, my eyes/eyelashes, my thighs, my girl cock or panties bulge, and my overall cuteness or queerness.
And say something about my skills, goddammit! I’m a great writer and I take badass nudes, so, appreciate that crap too. I really like when somebody says that something I wrote taught them a thing, or made them laugh, or helped them through a time.
If I’m Being Lewd, You Can Be Lewd Too!
Are you looking at one of the nudes or lewds I share for a Sinful Sunday post and it’s turning you on? Fuck yeah, tell me about it!
Call me “fucking hot”, “sexy” “banging”, “delicious”, or “bootylicious”! Tell me how fucking aroused I made you. Did you get a throbbing boner or are you dripping wet? Sweet, I wanna hear about how I did that. And if you just finished getting off to the picture, please go right ahead and tell me about how hard you came and what you were thinking about while looking at me and masturbating.
A big reason I post the sexually explicit stuff I do here is because it’s an outlet for my ethical exhibitionism needs and honestly, hearing that I’m turning somebody else on is one HELL of a fucking compliment to me in those circumstances.
Just, again, don’t misgender me or go on and on about how my pictures elicited your fantasies about fucking men or something. That makes me feel like you’re associating me and my body with masculinity or like you’re still just seeing me as a cis dude. That’s a major fucking buzzkill for me.
Like there’s a handful of comments around here from guys who see a picture of my girl cock or something and hop into the comments all “I’m bisexual and love sucking a man’s cock!” and it’s like, okay, that’s great Kevin but this is about my girl cock and I’m not a man so please maybe don’t?
And don’t get all weirdly romantic or sweet on me with those compliments either. That’s not what I’m looking for here, I got my partners for that. Just tell me that I’m hot and get you hot too and maybe lets flirt a bit and leave it at that!
Just Be Cool, Really.
I think a lot of this basically just boils down to: be considerate, respectful, playful, and chill in your approach, and don’t belittle, dismiss, or interrogate me about my shit.
And yeah, while I’ve made some language recommendations, and highlighted my love for awkward queer accolades, I’m ultimately going to appreciate any compliment that’s thoughtful, friendly, and maybe a little flirty too; even if it doesn’t include any of the descriptors mentioned above or allusions to my glorious girl cock.
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