DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor. Please do not disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking professional medical help because of something you’ve read here. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition. Everything in this piece, and on this blog, is my personal opinion, comes from my own experiences and perspectives and is meant to provide basic information.
Hey friends, let’s talk about performance anxiety and impotence! Now, you might be thinking “but why, Nillin? You’re an adorable sex blogger who has a LOT of incredible sex with a lot of super cute queers!” And you know what? You’re absolutely right. Yet that still hasn’t stopped my girl cock from keeping soft at times when I really, really would have liked if it was hard.
Fact is that I’m a depressed, 30-something queer with ADD and PTSD and the older I’ve gotten, the more impactful that shit like stress, anxiety, sadness, and trauma can sometimes be on both my libido and sexual function. This past year in particular has been a rough one, with me experiencing a marked increase in struggles with not only my erections but with orgasms as well. At the worst of times, I’ve been so overwhelmed about life shit that it affected my sexual function in a way I couldn’t ignore, which then caused me to stress out even more because I was hyper-fixated on the fact that I was having trouble staying hard and worried that my partners wouldn’t feel sexually fulfilled.
All of it then fed into this whole frustrating self-fulfilling prophecy of:
Nillin feels stress -> partner expresses wanting to be fucked real hard -> Nillin worries they won’t stay hard enough to penetrate them and deliver on those desires -> Nillin gets EXTRA stressed and loses their erection and feels sad.
Good news, though! There are so many diverse ways to still enjoy sexual activity, experience pleasure, stimulate your partner(s), and have fun even if you’re having some performance anxiety! Here are some of the things that have worked for me and led to more enjoyable, less stressful, sexy times even when life is hard and boners are not.
Use Whatever Tools You Need
There are actually a LOT of things out there on the market that are known to help folks with maintaining an erection and/or lasting longer. I’ve had various successes with cock rings, and have even heard people swear by penis pumps. I also find I get harder a lot faster while using anal plugs, especially those designed specifically with prostate stimulation in mind.
For those who are comfortable with it, please consider also using a strap-on yourself!
Think outside of the box too! Do you find that your libido is stronger earlier in the day? Then take advantage of that morning wood and lean into earlier sexy times if you can! Does watching specific types of pornography help arouse you more? Then work that into your foreplay in whatever ways you need! What about clothing? Does wearing panties excite you? Or does your partner dressed like a school teacher get you extra hot? Then embrace those pieces and accessorize your sex shame free!
Stop Pressuring Yourself
The more you’re pressuring yourself to stay hard, to last longer, and/or to ejaculate or even just orgasm, the less likely any of that is going to happen while you’re already stressed out. Be kind to yourself! If there are certain kinds of acts, situations, and maybe even dirty talk that stresses you out then don’t be afraid to express that and make whatever changes will help.
There was a little while recently when my partners begging me to cum in them actually ended up making me feel too pressured to stay hard for penetrative sex, let alone orgasm or ejaculate. So, I asked them to try some different, affirmations based dirty talk that was more focused on how good they were feeling in the moment vs. on any specific outcome to the sex we were having. As a result I was able to get into the moment more, I became less worried about my performance overall, was more able to enjoy the sensations that were happening, and best part is that over time we were able to go back to them begging me to breed them without me feeling anxious about it anymore!
Besides, if you can’t get hard… no problem! There are still tons of things you can still do which will feel great for both you and your partner or lover. Communication, trust, honesty, as well as compassion for, and patience with, yourself will go a long way here.
Re-Define What Pleasure Means to You
Never forget that there are actually so many diverse ways to experience pleasure that doesn’t even require a boner at all. If you’re worried about your partner, talk to them about what you’re struggling with and figure out some alternative ideas. Outer sex, aka outercourse, is super underrated, and offers a wide range of activities such as dry humping, making out, mutual masturbation, handjobs, fingering, erotic massages, sensation exploration and touch, spanking, bondage, dirty talking, temperature play, basically anything you can think of that isn’t penetrative sex can, and should, still be enjoyed as sexual activity!
Talk to Your Doctor!
Still having problems with impotence no matter what you try? Then be sure to consult your physician, doctor, or a medical professional about any longstanding medical issues you may be having. They’ll be able to tell you if there is anything else going on with your body and health that could be impacting your sex life in these ways.
And never forget, TONS of people with penises experience different degrees of impotence throughout their lives for a variety of reasons. You are not a bad person, a bad lover, or otherwise inferior for having some struggles in the bedroom and there are always ways for you to expand the sex you have with the people who enjoy being intimate with you.
Take care of yourself!
Be sure to also read the follow-up to this piece: The Aftershocks of Toxic Masculinity.
Have you struggled with impotence or performance anxiety before? Please share your experiences in the comments below!
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