Welcome to Day 4 of February Photofest 2019 on MxNillin.com
The first two weeks of posts this month will be lewds and nudes from a couple of years back, taken shortly after I first came out. These have NEVER been uploaded to the blog before and thus haven’t been seen by anyone other than my partners and close friends, until now.
The following are excerpts from “Some Feels on Weight Gain, Dysphoria, and Passing Pressure,” originally published September 13, 2016:
“I bought everything I thought I needed to feel better and look more femme. I bought cute dresses, pretty clothes, padded bras, and even a long, dark wig. Yet no matter what I put on my body I felt that my flat, hairy chest somehow betrayed my authenticity.
Chock full of imposter syndrome, and with HRT being out of the question for the foreseeable future, and bra inserts just not actually making me feel any better, I felt like there weren’t a lot of options.
So, I ate.
Before long, I started to notice more cleavage when I put on a push up bra, and that felt REALLY good. I convinced myself this was positive boob growth and that it was a good idea to put on weight so that when I eventually did start HRT I’d have the fat to redistribute to my chest, hips, and ass. So, I just ate more, and ignored all of the other signs of unhealthy weight gain because “yay kinda-tits!”
But all of that was short-fucking-lived.
My stomach once again hangs out like a big saggy “beer belly”. My love handles protrude outward, making wearing any tight clothing completely out of the question for me. My “breasts”, which I at one time thought would make me feel better, look no different than they did the last time I was this big.
I’m getting misgendered literally 100% of the time and my experiences with street harassment have skyrocketed as locals oogle at, laugh at, film, threaten, and insult the chubby, hairy “dude” in a skirt or dress. […]
[…] Now this is normally the part of the post where I’m supposed to say that regardless of all that, I love my body; but that would be dishonest. I don’t, and I long to get back to that brief time after coming out when I was this small, cute androbabe who didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought about me. Somewhere along the way that changed, and I fucking hate it.
Why the fuck am I trying to “pass” again? Why am I trying to make myself appealing to people who are actively making my life a living hell, and likely are never going to accept me for who I am?
No more.”
Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for a new photo! To see unused pics from this month, advanced previews of posts, and behind the scenes content, become a patron on my Patreon.
Finally, be sure to click the February Photofest 2019 logo below to see pics from other bloggers participating in this year’s event!
