Ever Changing Pleasures

It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet for me that I’m actually on HRT. This past September I made the trek from Saskatoon to Moose Jaw to finally talk with a doctor about the possibility of taking steps toward some degree for medical transition. I knew that I didn’t want any bottom or top surgery, but I was feeling stagnant in where I’d gotten. Not unhappy, but not content either.

Sadly, a big reason I’d put this off for so long was due to some pretty intense internalized transphobia, believing that as a fat older queer I was never going to get the transition results I truly desired (if I was born AFAB and transitioned FTM trans masc genderqueer, that would have been ideal existence for me). I was feeling like there was no point in me even trying then because my dysphoria wasn’t ever going to be addressed as a non-binary person. I also had a voice in my head saying that if I started on HRT then I’d somehow be betraying my identity and myself, proving to others that I was eventually just going to go trans femme anyway. Of course that’s all bullshit! Being on HRT doesn’t change the fact that I’m a genderflux queer.

Luckily, the doctor I spoke to was really informed on gender diversity and the spectrum of identities out there. Not only did I not have to fabricate anything or follow any scripts to try, or convince her to help me, she listened closely, with compassion, and did not judge at all. For the first time I felt like I’d found a medical professional who was open to supporting me with a non-traditional transition, and who wouldn’t try to force me down any specific roads according to socially constructed binary trans narratives.

Ultimately, it was decided that I’d go on a hormone blocker only, Sprironolactone, as I wasn’t looking for too much in the way of feminizing changes, that I wanted to go at my own pace, and that it was important that my medical transition didn’t substantially affect my sexual function. After nearly three months, I’ve already been seeing a lot of changes that I like quite a lot! Without so much testosterone in my body, my skin has cleared up and softened dramatically, I’ve started to develop some pretty substantial boobs and my areolas have gotten bigger (more on this specifically in an upcoming post), and my partners swear that my hips and booty are curvier than they ever have been!

I’ve also noticed that how I experience pleasure has changed substantially. My skin is even more sensitive to touch, my nipples and breasts feel absolutely incredible when played with, and while it tends to take me longer to orgasm, when I do they are intense and full body. Prior to this an orgasm was quick and centralized on my cock, but now originates from somewhere deep in my groin area and it pulsates through my muscles and skin, radiating outward to my head and toes.

On top of that, for the first time in my life I’ve been able to consistently orgasm without having a full erection. So, even on days when I’m not able to get as hard as I used to, or hard at all, that doesn’t mean I’m out for having a good time!

Learning about my body as it changes in these affirming ways has been pretty exciting. There’s definitely still a degree of apprehension around it all, but overall I’m thrilled about what I’ve been experiencing so far.

A special thank you to this month’s blog sponsor: David!

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