This one’s been on my mind for a long time now, and I can’t quite seem to shake it… I’m AMAB but I wish that I was, and generally feel like I am, AFAB transmasc.
That may not make a lot of sense to most. I mean, I’m already AMAB so wouldn’t that be an ideal component of my desire for transmasculinity? Nope. Not really.
Maybe it’s controversial to say but, I think that a big part of it is I’m also that queer who wishes that they had both a penis and a vagina. Like, in an ideal life I would have been born female, with both genitalia, and then transitioned as a nonbinary, genderqueer trans man. I’d be this adorable, short, curvy, hairy queer with a dick and pussy, and cute, perky, little hairy tits.
There’s something about being AMAB trans queer that just doesn’t quite feel right to me on a number of levels. I feel like my body isn’t the one that I should have. Knowing what I know of myself, if I was born AFAB and was able to transition to trans masc and gender queer I’d have felt so, so much better about my body. As it stands now though, that’s obviously not my reality, and it never will be.
When I look at my body now there’s things that I do like. I love my hairiness, I love my dick, I love my bodacious booty, but everything else is wrong. I hate the way my belly hangs out, I hate that my curves just don’t feel like they’re in the right places, I hate how broad my shoulders are, and how big my torso feels. Even if I lost weight, it wouldn’t really fix the issue because it’s my build that’s the problem, the bones and internal bits.
I wish I was smol. Just a little queer guy with a little frame, cute fluffy boobs, curvy hips, an adorable little booty, and all of the genitals.
Alas, this is the body I have and as hard as it is, I need to accept that and do my best to find ways for me to feel more comfortable and affirmed in my skin. I’m not entirely sure how that’ll look and I don’t know if it will ever feel fully, or even mostly, satisfying, but if any of this rings familiar with you as you are reading this I hope this post is validating for you.