Whew, February was a hell of a month, y’all! Not only was I hard at work posting new content every day for February Photofest 2019, but I also started an exciting new job and I was invited to co-author revisions on the 2nd edition of a book (more on that later).
So, now that blog stuff has calmed down and I’ve started to get more into a groove with all the projects I’m committed to, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on something else that happened this past month: I mutually masturbated over vid chat for the first time ever with my friend of over a decade, Kris.
Kris and I met all the way back in High School as freshmen. At that time, I was going through some really heavy shit around being a closeted, crossdressing, deeply ashamed queer with a big dose of internalized homophobia and transphobia. In a lot of ways, while we were pretty close friends, I wasn’t really in a place where I was capable of maintaining many meaningful relationships and as such I think I kept Kris at an arms length a lot of the time. That’s kinda what disassociation and major depression does.
Despite all of that though, I had quite the crush on them. A lot of the time when I was watching queer porn (or gay porn at the time), I was often fantasizing about doing those things with them and I think there was always this part of me that wished I was brave enough to say something about it all.
But nope, that’s not what I did at all. Instead, I hooked up with dudes from the internet by sneaking out of my bedroom window to blow them in their car. It’s kinda sad thinking about it now, but I was genuinely so scared of being outted as queer that having unprotected oral sex with strangers at 2:00 AM felt safer to me than the thought of even suggesting fooling around with a friend.
I mean, I couldn’t even accept myself as queer, so, I sure as hell wasn’t ready for anyone else around me to know about those needs, desires, or fantasies, let alone all the self-hating baggage surrounding it all.
Still though, Kris has always been a fucking babe and I wish I took the chance. Don’t get me wrong. I sucked a LOT of really great cock while sneaking out at night though. Like, I thoroughly fucking enjoyed myself. But I think playing with somebody more my age (I was hooking up with folks quite a bit older than myself) and who I already had a more established friendship with would have been a really positive experience, you know?
Oh well. Hindsight is a fucker, am I right?
Anyway, Kris and I fell out of touch for a few years after I moved out to Saskatchewan and went through some drastic learning and growing as a person. But we ended up reconnecting again a year ago, last February and have had a lot of really incredible conversations while getting to know each other as very different people from who we were before.
Through those discussions it turns out that not only were our journeys not that different but Kris also had a kind of crush on me all the years ago, and they fantasized about us fooling around too. Well… fuck!? Right? So there we both were struggling with our sexualities, not knowing how to explore them safely or in affirming ways, and we had the hots for each other the whole damn time.
Hindsight is SUCH a fucker! Right!?
I’d say we’re definitely making up for lost time though! After chatting for hours, a couple of weeks ago, Kris and I masturbated together over video chat for the first time. It was amazing! And surprisingly felt like a really natural progression for our friendship too. That’s always the best feeling, ain’t it? I always appreciate when sex and pleasure just kind of develops naturally from an existing relationship. The last time I felt that was after the first time that Kate, Fal, and I had a threesome.
So, while I sometimes think it would have been cool if Kris and I maybe hooked up all those years ago, I’m actually glad we didn’t because I wasn’t the sex positive, body positive, badass enby queer I am today! I didn’t love myself like I do now. I didn’t have a healthy understanding of my boundaries, my needs, wants, and desires like I do now. And I sure as hell wasn’t capable of having healthy friendships, let alone ones with casual sex involved too. So I’m really glad that we’re playing now rather than back then.
And fortunately both of us have really amazing partners who are cool with us having this sort of friendship. Fal and Kate know about what we’re doing and Kris’ partner is also aware and consenting too. Hooray for ethical on-monogamy!
Speaking of which, Kris and I masturbated together again a few days ago and it was EVEN hotter than the first time, resulting in this adorable cum covered selfie. Here’s to many more fun messes!
While I have you here, this past week the blog hit an exciting milestone: 250,000 site visits! So, thank you all for being here and reading my angry queer, loud-mouth ramblings on love and fucking!
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