Sometimes I get these really strong desires for a copious amount of chill, no-strings-attached sex. I hyper fixate on it, thinking it’s all I need for days at a time. It would be easy then to hop in a car with some random boy and jerk off together, or suck each other off, then part ways; just as I have many times before in the past. It was fun, sure, but aside from the release of endorphins in the moment these quick little liaisons always felt like a passing relief from something bigger.
Being demisexual definitely plays into things. No amount of horny has ever been able to consistently overpower my need for more of a connection with physical intimacy, even when more casual in nature. While I’m very allosexual, bordering at times on hypersexual, and I absolutely have had and enjoyed random hookups with strangers, it’s much more difficult to find full satisfaction in those exchanges than it does when playing with a friend I’ve known for years.
Beyond that though, there does seem to be a trend the swell of intense desire and want for pleasure and mutual lust: my insecurity. Whenever that depression dips, or I feel tension about something in my relationships, or my sense of self-worth takes a nosedive, whenever I’m feeling old, or fat, or undesirable in some way, that’s when I most want those casual experiences. Lately, it seems to consistently come along with my periods too, which I wasn’t anticipating at all as being part of my transition, but here it is! Since starting HRT last Fall it happens every other month. More on that later though!
The important thing for me now is managing and understanding my wants, not acting on them from a place of grief or anxiety. Intentionally or not, I don’t want to tie sexual pleasure to my self-worth. When I do find safe and queer affirming FWBs I want any play that occurs to be celebratory, fun, and as an extension of the friendship! I think that my playfriends and I deserve that!
In other news, I’m excited to announce that my second book, Carry On: Unpacking Your Internalized Transphobic and Queerphobic Baggage, is available for preorder! It comes out on March 20th, 2026. You can also preorder my third book, Nonmonogamy and Queer Inclusivity, which releases April 27th, 2026.
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