[CW: girl cock and gelatin, NSFW]
Welcome to the second installment of “Mx Nillin Fucks…”, a new blog post series in which I stick my girl cock inside a wide variety of inanimate objects as masturbatory aids and then write about how that goes. I have no idea what is or isn’t going to make me orgasm, but I’m curious to find out and I hope that you are too!
A couple of weeks ago I got myself a nice apple pie, warmed it up in an oven, and then made sweet, sticky love to it… it sucked, but I think we all learned something from it. Maybe. Or maybe nobody learned anything, I dunno. The take away here is that I do not recommend using pie as a masturbatory aid.
Luckily, there are so many things to try and fuck still!
But enough of all that, let’s get to why you’re here. After the last post, there was a poll too, and for reasons I can only assume were motivated by sheer hatred, ya’ll chose Jello.
Here’s what you need to know about that!
How Much Will It Cost to Fuck It?
Jell-O is cheap as fuck, ya’ll. All depends on how many packs you get, if it’s on sale, and if you get the no-name or brand name stuff. For one of those 4-serving boxes you’re probably looking at anywhere from .25¢ to, what.. $2.00 each? Whatever. I don’t care.
Anyway, I ended up buying 3 boxes of green Jell-O and 2 boxes of yellow Jell-O at $1.70 each. My partner also grabbed a really nice bunt cake pan for $7.95 because they wanted one and I wanted to try doing it with a fancy Jell-O mould.
I mean, sure, I could have gone for the 39¢ packs then driven around town to find a cheap gelatin mould but we wanted a goddamn bunt cake pan and if I’m going to stick my girl cock into a gelatinous blob then that shit is gonna be J-E-L-L-O!
So, in total, we spent about $16.00 to do this.
Don’t do that. Seriously. I can confidently say that if, for whatever reason, you want to fuck Jell-O, you can buy a single 4-serving box for, like, 50¢ and make that in a tall glass or a bowl and boom, there you go.
Total cost: $1.00 to $20.00, I guess, if you’re me. (Canadian)
How Much Prep Will This Take?
It’s fucking Jell-O.
Open the pack then dump that shit into whatever container you want to hold it while you’re fucking it, follow the incredibly simple instructions on the box, then stick it in the fridge and forget about it for a few hours.
It’s fucking Jell-O.
What Is It Like to Fuck?
It’s cold, it’s sticky, it drips frigid sugar goo everywhere, falls apart easily and is simply not at all conducive to sexy times. Not to mention my girl cock was fucking numb ya’ll and no amount of jerking off, or thinking sexy thoughts, helped in that situation.
I got hard once at the beginning, just before fucking the Jell-O mould from the bunt cake pan, and once after taking a 15 minute break from that shit show just before trying to force my dick into the glass of Jell-O.
Here’s the thing though, peeps. Surface tension. It takes an unenjoyable amount of effort to force your dick in this stuff.
For the mould, I slid a butter knife into the side of it to make, like, a fuck tunnel for me to penetrate.
Okay. I’m gonna be straight up here. The prospect of fucking Flubber to begin with was NOT sexually exciting to me. So trying to make my girl cock erect enough to slip in that sticky heap was just not happening. Luckily, my partner is super supportive and they stepped up to whisper dirty talk in my ear while giving me a handjob in the kitchen. Schwing!
Finally, raging erection in hand, I dipped my dick in and you know what? For a split second it kinda felt like this COULD feel pretty- oh wait, nope. No. It’s not good.
It’s just… it’s a boner killer. And I’m Canadian! I KNOW cold. I’ve experienced -50 degree Celcius winter days. Hell I’ve masturbated outdoors in, like, -30 degrees Celsius.
But this was different. This wasn’t me rubbing one out over a snow bank with a nice cloth glove on my hand. I’m actually fairly positive that this is what sex with Slimer would be like.
One full thrust in and that raging erection my partner helped me get was gone.
And my balls, oh god… they were so cold from slapping the side of that crap that they retreated inside of my body to places I don’t think they’ve ever been before. And they stayed there, for a disconcerting amount of time afterward.
I seriously thought they might never come out again. I mean, can that happen?? Can your testicles get so cold they ascend to the point of no return??
[Note: My balls are BACK ya’ll! I’ve since apologized to Sarah and Helena and they’re happily dangling between my smooth thighs once again.]
Remember the cup of Jell-O I mentioned before? Yeah, well, that wasn’t great either. Here’s my shriveled, sad penis wondering what it did wrong for me to subject it to this awfulness.
This is what real life masturbation with ridiculous things looks like folks. Sometimes it’s not so glamorous. Okay, I’m done talking about this.
2 out of 10. I’d rather fuck a pie again.
Okay let’s just vote for the next thing. It’s all warm or room temperature cause fuuuuuuuck that.