Continuing on the “I’m 40 now” train with some more fat, queer, body positivity! First, some feels.
I’m at the largest I’ve ever been in my life and for the last year or so it’s been a source of self-doubt and criticism more than I’d like to admit. My stomach hangs out farther than it ever has, it’s big and round and I strain to see myself below my waist. My thighs are thick and jiggle and rub together a lot throughout the day. It’s a source of some discomfort, especially in the summer, and if I’m being completely honest I’ve felt very insecure about how much smaller my penis “appears” against my big form.
Logically, I know that it hasn’t shrunk or anything. It’s not actually smaller, it’s that I’m larger. But with so much of it now below a large pubic mound (or FUPA, for those in the know) I can’t help but see naked photos of me and feel like I just don’t measure up. Not to the needs and wants of others, or to the expectations of myself.
But then I look at the evidence! I’ve got a hot husband, sexy friends that enjoy playing with me, people I sext with, guys that want to masturbate with me and hang out. Clearly I’m attracting people, and they are people I’m attracted to in turn! It’s amazing! Not to mention if I saw a fat, hairy queer bear with a big tummy, thick thighs, and a nice cock I’d be all fucking over that. Basically, I’d fuck me! I’d suck my cock! It’s a great cock and I really wish I could taste it for myself!
Anyway, I definitely do want to get in a bit better shape overall, especially over the next few years as I edge toward my 50s next. But in the meantime, I need to appreciate the body that I have more, because it’s mine and people sure do seem to like it just fine.
My second book, Carry On: Unpacking Your Internalized Transphobic and Queerphobic Baggage, is officially out on shelves! I hope you consider picking it up and checking it out for yourself. You can also preorder my third book, Nonmonogamy and Queer Inclusivity, which releases November 3rd, 2026.
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