It’s hard enough going through a succession of back to back breakups, but doing so while also in the midst of a brutal emotional low following months of being made to feel inadequate, insecure, like a failure, shamed about your other relationships, and generally bad about yourself in every conceivable way, is extra fucking rough.
The writing had been on the wall for a while, sadly. It’s always a hard sign for me to catch due to having depression, but I should have known something very serious was afoot in April once I started to lose interest in practically everything that previously brought me joy. I wasn’t writing as much, going weeks at a time without posting any content of any kind. I also wasn’t gaming, wasn’t watching any of the series I was excited about, wasn’t reaching out to folks as often, wasn’t doing much of anything, really. When I did write posts for the blog most communicated that I was struggling immensely with my self-worth, body image, and general mental health.
Even my sexy posts were laced with negative self-image issues.
With past emotional lows like this I would have self-destructed to some degree, then isolated heavily for an indeterminate period of time, but folks who care about me an awful lot simply wouldn’t allow it! My partners, Fenric, Queer Prairie Kitten, and fuckmeat, as well as my bestie with benefits, Kate, have all made sure to check on me lots while allowing me the space to vent, grieve, and otherwise talk through all that trauma and heartbreak that led to, and then came from, these recent breakups.
I was honestly fucking terrified that I’d lose all of them too, actually. But nope! Quite the opposite happened!
My nesting partner, Verne, has been particularly patient and caring. Even as I’d been struggling a great deal with sex and intimacy these past several months, definitely in large part due to the profound amount of stress I’d been under from everything going on, they’ve shown me nothing but love, compassion, and care. Never placing high expectations on me, never making demands, never guilting or shaming me for having a hard time with impotency and anxiety, they’ve instead met me where I am while still communicating their desires and being open to compassionate compromise.
Oh, and they’ve given me handjobs! Low expectations, friendly, playful handjobs.
I really do have the best partners.
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