Last week was a fucking rough time for body feels. For whatever reason I had slowly gotten it in my head over the past few months that I was fat and hairy and that my partners and lovers couldn’t possibly actually want to have sex with me. It was such an insidious and harmful narrative, absolutely informed by trauma from some very bad relationships last yet and social messaging. If I’m being honest, I’ve been having trouble with my self-worth and negative thinking for a while now and it had started to affect my sex life a long time ago. There’s been a lot of signs, from high anxiety around sex to premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction issues.
I definitely suspect that my separation and experiences with abuse in late 2020, as well as early 2021, have had a big part in all of this. But I’ve also recently come to realize it doesn’t help that my Twitter feed, which is almost almost exclusively queer porn, was filled with slim, 20-something femboys and trans femmes. All of whom are certainly amazing and hot, however, that particular brand of sexy is not necessarily ideal when you’re dealing with major body image issues surrounding weight and age.
What I really need right now is more of me!
I just don’t tend to see a lot of bodies like mine in the context of “sexy”. I don’t see fat, hairy queers in their mid-30s or older being depicted as sexual beings, let alone as having desirable bodies to others, or being in fulfilling emotional relationships. And it’s that very lack of representation that makes it very difficult for me to counter negative self-talk with positive reinforcement. So, starting today, I’m going to spend the next few weeks celebrating myself and sharing candids taken by my partners and lovers, as well as making more of an effort to take affirming nudes of myself.
I want to see myself how my partners and lovers do, and to appreciate myself more from multiple lenses.
To kick it off, here’s a bathroom pic I took just a couple of weeks ago. I felt cute and sexy and still really fucking love this shot. More to come over the next couple of weeks!
And here’s a mini-gallery of some of the more rocking fat queer enby pics I’ve posted here over the years. Because seeing them is a good reminder to me that my body is sexy
