When you’ve had to operate emotionally at a 10 for so long, it’s hard accepting that you’re safe enough to relax and not operate in survival mode.
I made a lot of really big mistakes last year while in an activated state that I really regret. Mistakes that almost cost me one of the most important relationships I’ve ever had, and that did cost me other burgeoning bonds I was really enjoying. After a triggering incident with one of my partners I entered into a state of pure trauma responding, finding persistent signs of wrongdoing and danger to me and to my relationship with them, and it brought me down a pretty rough path.
At my worst point I was regularly catastrophizing, having emotional breakdowns, lashing out, hyper focused on every possible sign of negativity, and projecting my fears, insecurities, and onto my partner. I’d dig into a simple situation or exchange and draw correlations to past traumas, no matter how weak the comparison, and that would inform the way I reacted, the decisions I made, and my overall perspective of things. Even when I’d have moments of trying to challenge the spirals going on, my brain would go to places of hurts and pain as evidence that I needed to be “on” all of the time, to keep vigilant and to keep these perceived villains at bay, one of whom was a cute queer I quite liked and who is important to my partner.
I couldn’t stop myself. My partner’s other friends and dates all felt like threats, and everything they did felt like an indication that they didn’t love me anymore, or were at least losing interest in our bond. And so that’s what I desperately latched on to trying to preserve at all costs… which, of course, just made things worst.
By last fall we had entered a full blown anxious and avoidant attachment style dance. Me trying to connect with them in deep emotional and sexual ways, trying to spend all of my time and energy on them and on us, while they felt overwhelmed and drained and desired more space. Yet the more they pulled away, the more I smothered, and that lead to even less intimacy and sensuality as they felt so pressured to meet my need. As I picked up on those vibes, I’d just push for more. More time, more attention, more affection, more everything, which they couldn’t possibly provide.
It was fucking exhausting for us both. But, again, I couldn’t stop. I felt compelled to do it. Like a runaway freight train on an endless track.
The thing about being activated is that you don’t necessarily realize it’s happening until much later on, everything just feels bad and desperate all of the time like you need to be constantly vigilant, constantly “fixing” thing, bettering yourself, watching yourself, “protecting” your relationships. The frustrating part being that nobody was even really asking any of that of me, I was just putting it all on myself.
I spent months, like this. About nine, to be exact.
I’m not sure of exactly what broke the cycle. There came a day over the winter holidays when clarity just kind of hit and I’ve been able to turn things around a lot since then, see them for what they really were and understand my reactions better. Over the first few months of 2025 I’ve done a lot of healing on that front, making amends, and addressing the baggage that’s been holding me down.
So, there are no revolutionary tips here, except to say that if any of the above sounds familiar to where you are with somebody you care about right now… please, just breathe. Stop for a minute, centre yourself, and see that in this moment you really are safe. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling, don’t over-analyze it, and when you’re in a calmer, more comfortable state, come back to that with some patience and compassion for yourself.
You’ll likely find that while what you’re experiencing may have seemed like a lot, it’s not the catastrophe that’s built up in your imagination, and there’s probably still time to get your feet back under you. I promise, you’re not trapped in it forever.
A special thank you to this month’s blog sponsor: Sugarcunt!
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