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My Queer Beard and How It’s Helping Me Re-Define My Gender

Posted on May 5, 2021January 20, 2023 by MxNillin

Look, I’m a fucking hairy queer. Always have been. My chest, legs, arms, belly, butt, all super hairy and for years that caused me a great deal of grief. Why? Unfortunately I had let passing pressure convince me that the only way for me to look, and be accepted, as trans was to constantly shave my hair. Sadly, this was affirmed by a lot of cis folks who would give me a lot of unsolicited advice about how to do my make-up, or my hair, and make comments on what I could be wearing to look “even prettier”. I’m sure they were well meaning but it still really fucking sucked and created a deep insecurity in me about my body for many, many years after coming out.

Fact is that there’s simply no fucking way for me to keep up with it all. Shaving for me often results in razor burn, ingrown hairs, and I genuinely just fucking hate doing it. I’m not interested in waxing at all and the price tag can be real steep. And laser hair removal is just overall expensive as fuck and not gonna fucking happen in any measurable way. Besides, I hated that I had to put so much maintenance into my body, and the hair that covers it, in order for others to see me as somehow more valid in my transness. So I gave up on all of that bullshit a while ago.

My beard was another story though. That I felt like I could reasonably control, and I did my best to shave it as often as possible. Though even then I often did it to excess, sometimes shaving so much I caused razor burn on my face or nicked myself all over from being too careless with the blades. I just could never seem to get my shave close enough… no matter how much I tried, there were always little hairs that persisted. There was always bits of peach fuzz and stubble I could see and feel. So, I often pushed it and in the process hurt myself.

But then the pandemic hit and I found myself stuck in a series of extremely unhealthy living conditions that led to a tremendous decline in my mental health and wellness. Shit like personal hygiene, self-care, and positive body feels, went out the widow. I put on weight, got sick from a bad mouth infection from a series of untreated cavities, started to develop rough hemorrhoids from stress shitting all of the time, I wasn’t showering or washing my clothes much, was breaking out all over, not having a lot of sex or masturbating at times, and yep, I stopped fucking shaving.

While in the past the presence of facial hair for me has been indicative of my declining mental health, meaning the thicker the beard the worst I was doing, this time things were a little different… despite the fact that, yes, my new beard technically only started to get as floofy as it was because I lacked the executive function and energy to shave it.

I also didn’t want  to shave it.

Now, for those who know me this is a pretty big fucking deal. One of the things that’s made me feel most dysphoric in the past is that the more facial hair I had, the more likely I was going to be misgendered by everyone. It didn’t matter if I was in a dress, with shaved legs, long hair, make-up, and carrying a purse, if there was even a little bit of stubble visible than everyone I encountered outside of my home was gonna fucking “sir” me and shit. that always made me feel really unsafe and unhappy presenting as femme.

Since all the lockdowns have started though, that’s not happening as much. While not going out or seeing my partners and friends very often has been difficult, I’ve had a lot of time to get to know myself again. A big part of that has included me focusing on exploring my relationship with my body and, in particular, my body hair. With there almost being no strangers around to misgender me or treat me like I’m a “man”, I’ve actually experienced a huge shift in my overall perspective of my body.

It’s notable how a decrease in other people gendering you against your will allows you the room to better understand yourself and love your body, eh?

Whereas before me having facial hair was a negative and lead to an increase of misgendering and street harassment, now it just made me feel cute and queer as fuck! The change in perspective has honestly been fucking revolutionary for me. Whether I’m lounging around in my housecoat, popping out in a cute summer dress, taking it easy in a some graphic tees, or cuddling naked with a partner, the beard has been good! It’s actually made me somehow feel even more comfortable in my sexuality and in my body, even if I’m still struggling to figure out other aspects of my gender.

I particularly love that it’s a way for me to re-frame something that’s typically felt like a representation of my masculinity, which I avoided as much as I possible could early on in my coming out. Not that I’m leaning into the masculine very much now either, more that I’m not shying away from it and am instead exploring it under a decidedly more queer and non-binary lens. My beard make me feel elegant. It’s warm, cozy, and soft.

Here’s hoping that once I’m let back out into the world, rocking my new bearded look and positive sense of self, it’s not ruined too quickly…

In the meantime though, I’m feeling affirmed and loving my face floof.

Woof!

 

 

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Related

  • body positivity
  • gender feels
  • mental health
  • non-binary
  • 10 thoughts on “My Queer Beard and How It’s Helping Me Re-Define My Gender”

    1. Miranda Jo says:
      May 25, 2021 at 7:55 am

      The beard looks great! And you look even better with the acceptance and confidence that you have now!

      Reply
    2. HappyComeLucky says:
      May 21, 2021 at 5:06 pm

      Seriously your body is fucking hot. That includes all the hair that is there and would also be true if you decided that you wanted to get rid of it. Personally as a very sensual person, every time I see a glimpse of your beard my mind goes to wondering how it would feel…

      Bodies don’t equal gender and I wish we could move everyone the fuck away from that and just treat people as people who will tell us how they want.to be addressed.

      Non binary people feel pressured to conform. Cis women are also mortified by “the wrong hair”. It isn’t wrong. If your body grows it, it’s right and you have the choice to keep or minimise it for you and not for society.

      Reply
    3. Molly says:
      May 11, 2021 at 1:17 pm

      Fucking Woof indeed! Would it be terrible to say that I kinda really wanna know what they beard feels like between my thighs? Because yeah, I actually really do

      Also I am imaging you with this lushious sexy beard and wearing a dress and yeah…. I may need a moment with that thought

      I love that you are reclaiming your facial hair. My son has terrible problems shaving too. It gives his really bad contact dermatitis and leaves his skin literately red raw. Whilst he is cis he has struggled with his mental health and when you are 16 or 17 and your beard is weird and patchy but shaving is like ripping a layer of skin off the whole facial hair thing becomes a big issue. It has taken him quite a few years to accept the fact that he is probably never going to be able to shave and the beard life is for him. Now he is nearly 22 he seems ok with that but for a long time I know he battled with how it made him feel about his body and also the mean and cruel things people said to him at school including teachers making comments about shaving and looking smart. I think it can be really easy to think that people who grow facial hair are cool with it. I don’t think there is any resources or conversation for young people when it comes to that subject and if you don’t fit the traditional mold of what you are meant to look like then you are made to feel somehow less.

      Sorry, got lost in a thought again. Basically, I am happy you have found a place where you are loving your beard and enjoying sporting that amazing hairy floof on your chin.

      Molly

      Reply
      1. MxNillin says:
        May 14, 2021 at 5:22 pm

        Hell no, not terrible at all! You know I love the explicit flirts from close peers, and I definitely consider you a close peer! I’d be fucking thrilled for you to wet my beard!

        And I’d totally be wearing a dress + my favorite lingerie for the occasion.

        I’m really sorry to hear that your son has had such discomfort with shaving too. It really is extra hard when there’s some sort of skin health struggle there as well. It’s really great to hear that he’s been doing the internal work to be okay with his facial hair, though still very unfortunate that he doesn’t feel as he has much of a choice in it. It’s genuinely disgusting that teachers were among his bullies… like bad enough that his classmates were being shitty but the body policing and commentary from teachers as well is not at all okay. That’s a really good point about the assumption being made about everyone with facial hair being okay with it, cause yeah it definitely isn’t always the case. I think I might right on that too, actually! From my own perspective of course but more content on body hair experiences isn’t a bad thing!

        But anyway, thank you so much for the supportive words and for the great conversation again. Always love chatting with you about stuff like this!

        Reply
    4. Kayla Lords says:
      May 6, 2021 at 5:46 pm

      I used to think I wasn’t someone who liked the look of beards (on other people) and then I met and married John Brownstone and learned a new appreciation of beards, and I learned that I DO like the look of beards (with some exceptions). And I’m here to say I REALLY like your beard. The floof is GLORIOUS!

      Reply
      1. MxNillin says:
        May 10, 2021 at 1:46 am

        Ngl I felt the same way for quite a while but I’ve definitely turned a corner on beards! Thank you so much for the compliments about my floof!

        Reply
    5. Sarah Stefanson says:
      May 5, 2021 at 3:20 pm

      I’m so happy that you are embracing your queer beard! I remember when you grew it out just a little for the occasion of my birthday because you knew I liked the look of it and I’m not sure I ever told you how much that gesture meant to me at the time, knowing that growing your beard was attached to all kinds of feels for you. I think you look fucking sexy with or without the beard! 😘❤

      Reply
      1. MxNillin says:
        May 6, 2021 at 12:14 pm

        Thanks! I’m actually really happy about it too. And I’m so glad that you enjoyed when I grew it out for your birthday, that felt really affirming and nice and honestly was the start of me rethinking it cause you made me feel really desired. But thank you for also affirming that I look fucking sexy with or without it! xoxo

        Reply
    6. Elan says:
      May 5, 2021 at 12:00 pm

      Your face floof is thick and even and absolutely beautiful.

      Reply
      1. MxNillin says:
        May 5, 2021 at 4:25 pm

        THANK you! xoxo

        I genuinely love it!

        Reply

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