It’s a weird state to be in when you’re both simultaneous fucking rocking it, and yet also struggling with so much imposter syndrome, self-doubt, and bad body feels that it’s keeping you from fully enjoying the potential of your life. Cause that’s exactly where I’m at right now.
On one hand, there’s so, so much to be thankful for! I’ve got a lot of good going on in my life. I’ve got a major book deal taking off, a great job, a bunch of my writing publishing over the next few months, and I’m generally getting to do a lot of cool shit like hosting orgies, going on camping trips, and reconnecting with people I haven’t seen for over a year. All around I have incredible partners, friends, and lovers whom I’m so fortunate to have in my life in such intimate, and enriching ways. And I’m having a ridiculous amount of sex!
No, seriously. I’m having ALL of the sex. In the last week alone I had a foursome last Thursday, then I had a hookup on Friday night with a newer play friend, Em, who I met off of Tinder a couple of months ago. Saturday I finally got to breed my fuckmeat again, then went for an overnight with Verne and we of course did it a bunch too. And on Monday I got to have even more group sex! I even got to fuck BB this time, and came inside of her! It was amazing!
Yet even with all of those affirming, uplifting, and fulfilling experiences happening, that inner bully of mine persists in being a right fucking dick. Each time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I feel fat, unattractive, and dysphoric about how my body looks. I don’t feel like my perception of who I am as a nonbinary queer is reflected in how I look,. because I feel like I just look like the chubby, hairy dude that nearly everybody I interact with outside of my home treats me as. I know that logically this is just the world’s outward transphobia and queerphobia being projected onto me in ways that I’m now projecting onto myself… but the knowledge of that doesn’t lead to any easily attainable solutions.
What does help a little though, is photos like this one, which Verne took of me when I was sleeping in their bad while they were gaming. They said they had looked over, saw me there, and thought I looked so sexy and comfy cuddling their bear plushie that that they just had to take a candid of me. I’m glad they did! Because, like, fuck do I look good here! That butt, those hips, that waist… unf! It’s a great angle of me and not one that I ever really get to see of myself.
It all goes to show that even if I don’t think of myself as being very attractive, I’m not seeing me through all the lenses. This shot was of how Verne saw me in that moment, cuddly and sexily laid out in their bed, and I gotta agree with them, I looked hot as fuck! I honestly wish that I could see myself like this every day. Cause yeah, looking at this I get why my partners and friends are into dating and doing it with me!
It’s just too bad that I can’t see any of it when I’m looking at myself most times.