As a queer person, discovering the words to describe myself and find community, acceptance, family, and affirming relationships, has been a profoundly revolutionary thing to me. Learning about queer, non-binary, and polyamorous identities has, without a doubt, set me on a path of self-love, pleasure, happiness, and growth, unlike any I’ve ever experienced before. But if there’s one thing I’m really working to remember it’s the importance of never letting those labels restrict or hinder me either.
Case in point: life has thrown me a fast one with the recent revelation that despite identifying as aromantic, and not personally experiencing romantic attraction for decades, I have, in fact, fallen in love.
Not that this changes a lot, really. Me being in love with somebody in no way affects how I feel about my existing partners and relationships, and hasn’t suddenly made me romantically inclined overall. All of my relationships are different and unique, so this one involving romantic feelings is not inherently a game changer for how I experience or approach any of my other bonds.
Still, being in love is a hell of a trip! So, what happened?
I met Fen online in late 2021 through an accidental social media message. Yes, really, it’s an incredibly common thing for me to completely unintentionally send random emotes and gibberish to people simply through my bad habit of holding my phone in my hand while some fucking app is open! Thus, it was a clumsy thumbs up in Fen’s inbox one day that started us off! At the time I tried to play it cool, feign that I didn’t already thing that they were one of the cutest queers I’d ever seen, but by December we were chatting almost daily and planning an afternoon for lunch and shopping.
That first hangout ended up being more of a date, complete with cuddles at their place, some makeouts, and attempted sexy times in the backseat of my car [note: car sex is kinda overrated]. Immediately after I found myself overwhelmed with this desire to see them again, and the more time I spent with them, the more I started to just… feel differently.
Whenever I was with them I felt electric, like my whole body was aflutter with this current of elation. When I held them, kissed them, I felt like I was floating. My body relaxed, my nerves tingling and sending pleasureful waves through my muscles, I just felt so safe, comfortable, seen, and like I was at home whenever I was with them. I was swooning and gushing all the goddamn time. Seeing a picture of them, a message pop up in my notifications, or even just their name appearing on my social media, finally gave me that sensation I had always heard of but hadn’t experienced myself since back around 2002: butterflies in my stomach.
They ruled my mind and every moment with them, every discovery of shared interests, every realization of how much we had in common, how much we thought alike, how in sync and enlivened I felt when I was with them, just reaffirmed all the good feelings bombarding me.
I wondered if it was maybe just new relationship energy, that all of it was me being smitten. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was more going on then some intense squish or crush.
I miss them when we’re not together.
I constantly crave the joy that they bring me.
I think about them all of the time, and often daydream of our future together.
I never want to see them hurt.
I want to see them smile, hear them laugh, look into their eyes, watch them dab, crack up at their dad jokes and puns, and feel their hands in mine.
I want them to have all of the most amazing things!
I want nothing but the best for them! For them to be happy, feel fulfilled, to experience the success they deserve, to be safe, and completely free to be themself without judgment or interference.
I want to uplift them, support them, encourage them, and cheer them on by their side as their #1 hype/wing-person.
I want their life to be filled with the same joy they’ve brought into mine, and for them to be surrounded by those who love and care for them deeply and truly be they friends, family, or other partners and lovers as well. And I’d be honoured to be among them.
Oh, and to keep having the hottest queer sex together, as well as with others!
To some, all of this may sound like “um yeah, that’s what love’s supposed to feel like, Nillin!” but to me this is all brand new territory. I mean, sure, I feel similar things about my other partners too, but definitely not to this level. This is something else! The sheer magnitude of emotions and passion, coupled with all the physiological signs… I’m just enraptured by Fen. It’s exciting, yet also a little scary!
Like, I also haven’t felt this emotionally vulnerable in years. In many ways being in love has brought me face to face with all of my insecurities too. I worry that I’m too old, too fat, too hairy, that my blemishes are off-putting and that I’ll become boring to Fen the more they meet other younger, cuter, more creative and talented trans queers than I. These are insecurities I haven’t really felt in my other relationships much, and I definitely think it’s that being “in love” has something to do with their reemergence now.
But you know what? That’s okay! Rather than get down on myself for it, I see this as an opportunity for growth and to practice self-love. All of this has allowed me to see that I apparently seem to be holding myself up to some pretty intense standards around my personal weight, age, and level of success. The sad thing being that none of those things have ever been determining factors or standards for any of my partners, nor have my partners put such expectations on me either.
Fact is that I’m adorable and a fucking catch! Fen, like my other partners, loves me for me, just as I love them for them. It’s important that I love myself and see my worth too.
So, I’m just going to go along on the ride! Elation, anxiety, and all! Being in love is new, it’s exciting, it’s scary… and it’s never felt this right.
Like this wholesome queer content?