Not too long ago I wrote about how I experienced “love” as an aromantic queer, and as part of the discussion that arose with friends and peers afterward I was often asked about whether or not I had ever had a crush on somebody or not. And like, yeah, just not in the way that many folks may necessarily experience themselves.
Traditionally speaking, a crush is somebody who you have strong romantic attraction too and may desire, or simply fantasize about having, a romantic, emotional relationship with. In the movies and TV shows when a teen has a crush you see them write that person’s names in all their notebooks, surrounded by hearts, and daydream about what it would be like to be married, have a house, kids, etc. It’s oftentimes that whole romantic experience bolstered by fantasies of a fulfilling relationship escalator complete with the American dream of a traditional family. Crushes can be short or long term and may or may not ever be acted upon by the person experiencing them.
And no, I don’t really have those. What I do have though are “squishes”, the aromantic “crush”, as it were. A squish describes that same strong desire to be with somebody else, much like a crush, only not at all in a romantic way.
Many aromantic and asexual individuals describe their experiences of a squish as desiring strong platonic, oftentimes even sensual, bonds with a specific person. This can come out in many ways from just really wanting to spend all of their time with another person, to being their bestie for life, to even being in some form of a relationship, though not necessarily one that includes cohabitation, marriage, or plans for having kids or owning joint property. Because as anyone reading my blog should know by now: not all relationships look the same and platonic bonds are just as fulfilling, enriching, and valid as romantic ones.
As somebody with two queer platonic partners, one of whom is my nesting partner, plus a date friend and a couple of friends with benefits, I’m no stranger to diverse, non-traditional relationships and bonds.
So, when I say that I’ve got a squish on you, here’s whats going on and how it’s different from a crush:
I want to spend all of my time with you and be be your new best friend.
This happens a lot to me with peers, be they trans queer advocates or other sex and erotica writers. I count myself extremely fortunate to have lived a life that’s allowed me to be so many fucking awesome, radically cool people hat inspire me every day in so many ways. Sometimes I can’t help but really, really want to be their friend! Whether it’s Quinn Rhodes and his fucking awesome erotica, Little Switch Bitch with her incredible product reviews and stellar morning nudes on Twitter, Delilah Darkholme‘s hella inspiring and uplifting nonbinary queer sexuality content, or Miss Ivy‘s fucking outstandingly sexy and cute as fuck queer boudoir portfolio, I definitely have my fair share of squishes on peers.
In most cases I honestly really just with I had a friendship with them! Like, I want to legit hang out with these folks, send texts and memes, chat about our days and sex related careers, socialize on voice chat or play games together online. When I daydream about them it’s usually about us basically just being real close pals who chat about work, our lives, relationships and sex, and how gassy fully loaded nachos make us.
I also think about their butts a lot… What? They all have great butts!
I want to cuddle you lots.
Have you ever met somebody and just though, “fuck… I bet it would be amazing to cuddle with them?” Well I sure as fuck have and there are plenty of times in the past when all I can think about is wrapping my arms around and nuzzling my face and head into my new squish. In fact, that desire for physical affection is almost always a core part of my daydreaming about a squish as well.
What can I say? I’m a cuddler! That shit is the best.
I want to fuck
Now this isn’t true of all squishes for all folks who have them. Asexual individuals in particular don’t necessarily experience a desire for any sort of sexual interaction with their squish and may not even define the term overall as including sexual desire at all. For me though, a squish can definitely be somebody that I am experiencing high sexual chemistry with, maybe a lot of flirting, maybe even some sexting, and my desires for that person has now escalated into strong urges to be intimately physical together.
It’s like with this hook-up friend I have, a kinky new play friend who likes when I call him my
fucktoy fuckmeat while breeding him. Even now I think about our sexual dynamic a lot and want to spend more time with him developing that. Of course just spending time with him in general is really cool too, and if something more developed naturally between us over time than that would certainly be cool, but I really dig that our connection is so highly sexual and kink centric.
A little bit of everything! [But without the traditional family goals.]
In most instances though, I actually want some of all of the above with a squish. I want to spend time with them, be their best friend, cuddle, them and yeah, fuck them too! I’m also generally open to a more committed relationship or dynamic of some sort developing between us should that be what feels right, and so long as it is respectful of my partners, other play friends, and my personal boundaries about having no interest in the traditional, romance centered, relationship escalator.
Basically, when I have a squish on somebody I’m thinking of how much I want them to be a date friend, a bestie with benefits, like I have with my friend Kate. I think about them as being somebody who I could potentially hangout with a bunch, watch Netflix and cuddle, have big deep conversations, play games together, confide in one another on our thoughts and feelings, support each other in our passions and goals, and sometimes makeout in the shower together then fuck each other’s fucking brains out before snuggling up for the night.
No marriage, white picket fence, 9-5 career with a four member family for me, though! Not now, or later. It’s not a life goal of mine or a path I hope to be put on. I’m a polyamorous trans queer with multiple partners, FWBs, and diverse, fluid bonds that ebb and flow naturally, and I am happy and fulfilled in that.
What I am fantasizing about with my squishes is lifelong camaraderie, intimacy, cuddles, support, and affection. I’m thinking about friendship that lasts. I’m imagining us being an intricate part of each other’s lives in platonic, yet deeply close and sensual ways. I’m thinking about holding hands for decades to come, Netflix and chilling for Mission Impossible 13, buying sex toys together online for that sweet shipping discount, getting wine drunk at BBQs and falling all over each other giggling, wearing silly onesies together, doing all the kinky shit together that other people we’re dating won’t do with us, trading nudes when we’re 50 and hyping each other’s awesome bodies up, getting senior discount breakfasts together, and so much more.
Best part about it is that we can do many of those things no matter where we’re at in life. Because the bonds I look for, the squishes I have, all center fantasies of relationships that transcend cohabitation, distance, time, and so much more.
So, here’s to all my squishes, and the squishes still to come!