If you haven’t checked it out yet, you should go and read the bold and interesting post that Girl on the Net (follow her on Bluesky) put up this week. It was originally posted on a site that she used to write for, but sadly is gone now. Fortunately, many of her pieces survived in her email, which means we get to read them now! In this particular one, she asked a handful of her exes, former lovers, and even a one-night-stand, to provide feedback on the sexy times they had together and to give an honest letter grade. It felt so raw and vulnerable to read, right up my alley when it comes to personal blogging topics, so, I’ve gone and done the same thing.
I contacted three former partners, play friends, and FWBs, about the sexual experiences that they had with me and asked them three basic questions:
- What did you really enjoy about intimacy with me?
- What could I have done better?
- And, if you’re comfy, can you give me some sort of rating? (Could be a letter grade, percentage, or rating out of 10, whatever!) [This one is for the ego boost lol.]
Everyone I reached out to was super chill about it and responded pretty quickly. There was no hesitancy or awkwardness (from most of them) even with it having been years since I last had any form of intimate, or even social, interaction with a couple of them. I guess that shouldn’t have been surprising though given that two of the three people I chose to chat with have actually been featured here on the blog before!
I purposely decided not to go back super far into my past, as doing so would then start to enter the years of me still being closeted, being in a long-term toxic relationship, and having a series of not great nonmonogamy experiences with consent issues and poor communication. There were a couple of exceptions, but I just really didn’t want to risk reliving any of that. So, this is just from 2020 and on, baby!
One thing worth re-iterating here though, that GoTN mentions in her post, is that if you’re in a relationship the only person you would really benefit from speaking with about your sexual performance is your partner. Should you be struggling with anxieties, insecurities, or other such issues, going back to talk with your exes is completely irrelevant to your current relationship and isn’t going to help. Communicating clearly, honestly, and openly with your partners and play friends is paramount to health, safe, and lasting bonds.
While my original goal was the same as GoTN, in just hoping for a fun throwback piece, the post ended up taking a life of it’s own and became something else entirely. More than anything else, doing this allowed me to see how my perspectives on, and approach to, sex and intimacy have changed over the years. By talking to people I was involved with during very formative, tumultuous, and important parts of my personal development, when I was struggling with some pretty intense trauma and maladaptive coping behaviours, I’ve gotten a better sense of how far I’ve come and I feel very affirmed in the self-growth work that I’ve been prioritizing.
The Kinky Boyfriend
Let me first take you back to early 2021! Pandemic lockdowns were easing up in Saskatchewan and everybody was stir crazy, touch starved, and so fucking horny, myself included. On top of that, I’d just separated from my spouse after an incredibly abusive and draining living situation through those lockdowns, resulting in several months of feeling immensely unsafe (which I was vague posting about a little). I was ready to reconnect with my sexual and non-monogamous self!
I met fuckmeat on Tinder in the spring. We hit it off pretty quickly and spent a month or so sexting while being responsible by waiting to get our COVID vaccinations. Once we were finally able to meet up in person we quickly fell into a very explicit dynamic of ownership and exploratory BDSM play.
By the fall he asked me to be his partner and we ended up seeing each other for about ten months after that. Overall I had a lot of fun with him, and it’s pretty cool that he was comfortable participating with this post nearly two-and-a-half years after we stopped dating and hooking up!
In my time with you, overall you were very patient, understanding, and open to explore a wide variety of situations and kinks. You created an open atmosphere for exploration in a comfortable space. I could approach you with kinks or experiences I was interested in with no fear of judgment. You did also introduce me to group play, which is something I hadn’t experienced before and learned that I enjoyed.
What could I have done better? Potentially, communicating your wants in play a little more clearly, although it has been a bit since playing with you. I’ll admit that this question was harder to answer than the others. If I recall correctly, and kinda the way I felt, was overall you were trying to please a lot of partners all at once, with little regard to what you were looking for yourself.
Letter grade: Solid… B+?
Hey! A B+ ain’t half bad! It makes me really, really happy to know that I was able to foster such a safe environment for him to explore his needs, wants, and desires in.
I also appreciate the reminder that it’s really important for me to prioritize my own needs and wants within my relationships and connections too. A big area of self-improvement I’ve been focused on over the last few months is my insecure attachment style and codependency behaviours. They come from a long history of trauma and abuse, between being raised Catholic by an alcoholic, getting disowned by my family, and spending my first few major relationships in unhealthy conditions, but it’s not something I want to go unaddressed. Fuckmeat’s mention of my tendency to disregard my own desires in favour of others is a very affirming sign that I’m focusing on the right things with my current personal growth goals.
The No-Strings-Attached Hookup Pal
It’s really nice to occasionally have that one person you can just call up and spend a couple hours having simple, fun, no commitments needed or expected, sex with. That’s what it was like with Iris. When I met her she was very new to a lot of things in the bedroom, hookups included, and I distinctly remember how shaky she was the first time that we did anything. I made sure then to be very clear in my communication, actively seeking consent, while fostering an environment in which she felt completely able to set the pace of things or to say no at any time without that being pushed against in any way.
By our third meeting the physical shakiness was gone. Nervousness replaced with curiosity and excitement (she even participated in February Photofest 2022 on Day 16 and Day 27). It was awesome to see her get more confident, assertive, and comfortable with her body and with finding what brought her pleasure. I think we ultimately got to hook up about five, or six, times total before she eventually started a monogamous relationship with somebody, which meant that our sexy times had to come to an end. It was definitely a bummer because I really liked fooling around with her, but I was also really happy for her.
We still chat from time to time and perpetually make future plans to have a coffee, so I wasn’t really concerned about asking her to participate in this. Here are the answers to my questions that she sent back to me:
I really enjoyed trying new things. Like, every time we were together we did something a little bit different and used a different combination of toys etc. You were really good at making me feel relaxed, comfortable, and not judged.
What could I have done better: You were good at asking me what I wanted but I’m a people pleaser, so, I think you could’ve maybe had some more suggestions about what you wanted to do. I felt that when we hooked up you would focus on my wants/needs, which is obviously great, but I was still pretty inexperienced with play then. There were times when I felt like I wasn’t really reciprocating and doing things that you wanted, and because I was inexperienced I wasn’t sure how to take initiative and could’ve used some guidance.
Once again, I’m really happy knowing that people feel safe and prioritized with me. Sadly, it just seems to generally come at the expense of my own pleasure and desires. This isn’t entirely new to me, it’s something my current partners have expressed concern with as well, but I didn’t expect it to have been so apparent back then, especially not to fuckmeat and Iris.
The Cutie I Had Two Dates With
This year I was especially insecure one around polyamory and nonmonogamy for the first several months (I say this every year, I’m working on it). However, I still managed to have a few nice experiences! The most memorable was definitely this really adorable person I met on a dating app (maybe Grindr?). They were new to Saskatoon and for our first date we went for coffee then held hands and cuddled while walking around the Saskatchewan river, turning some heads in the process but we didn’t care. It was really sweet and wholesome and I had a nice glow about me afterwards.
The next time we met up was much friskier! We cuddled, tried to watch a show, but quickly ended up making out and hooking up. Then we went and got some damn Denny’s all-day breakfast. Again, it was a great time! But sadly things just didn’t quite match up and we didn’t end of having another date. They were busy with school and settling in, while I was going through some stuff, planning an out of province trip, and working on the manuscript for my second book. It happens.
So, like any other totally not fucking weird at all adult human, I messaged to ask them how the sex was! Here’s what they had to say:
All I remember is giving you a blowjob, you had a little trouble staying hard which is totally normal. Then you eventually came. I think I masturbated the entire time and came. If my mind serves me correct.
I don’t know what could have been better honestly, you wanted to give me a blowjob but you had a cold sore or something along those lines. Which, in my mind, as long as I came I was super happy about it. Didn’t matter how it went.
I’d say it was a solid 9 out of 10 experience. My mind is kinda fuzzy since it’s been a while. It was a very cute blowjob and mutual masturbation session.
Hell yeah! For just two dates and one hookup a 9 out of 10, and memories of a cute blowjob/mutual masturbation, is pretty damn good! It’s also really nice and affirming to know they enjoyed themself as much as I did. Further, that once again, it’s okay to not have a rock hard erection! It’s not a requirement for sex to be good or memorable.
Okay, so, what’s the takeaway here?
Honestly, I’m really, really glad that I did this. I cannot think of a single other time when I’ve had the opportunity to safely and comfortably talk so candidly about sex and intimacy with people I once was, but no longer am, involved with. Being able to do so brought me a lot of perspective on myself, helped me challenge some negative thinking, and even gave me a degree of closure on a couple of things.
Most importantly though, it helped me re-frame my perspectives on the connections I’ve had, have, and may one day develop. Firstly, I need to express and prioritize my own needs, wants, and desires far more than I have been. It’s no wonder I get so stressed about sex sometimes, and struggle with impotence, considering just how much pressure I’m putting on myself to be constantly giving to my partners without asking for anything myself.
I also need to really appreciate the moment more! It’s important that I just fucking let myself enjoying things as they are and not get lost in worrying about the future or keeping things together all of the time. I’ve had a lot of trouble making meaningful, fulfilling connections throughout my life. When I find one that feels really good I have a tendency of sometimes hyper-focus on “making it last” rather than actually experiencing it.
Fact is, people come into your life and pass on through. Maybe you really like some of those people, maybe you even love them, and wish that they had stayed around longer. But you can’t control who stays or who leaves, and it doesn’t serve me to look back on those experiences with melancholy and regret. Worst, it cause far more harm focusing on that loss when it brings fear and codependency into subsequent bonds.
Sometimes you date a real kinky boy for about a year, or have five or six hot as fuck hookups with a girl, or just get a great blowjob and grab some Denny’s with a cutie who you never go out with again, and those can just be great memories if you let them be.
A special thank you to this month’s blog sponsor: David!
Be sure to pick up your copy of my latest book How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers online or from your local queer owned indie bookstore!
If you’ve been enjoying the blog, please consider tipping me on Ko-Fi!
